(upbeat music)
(elephant trumpets)
- Get him outta here, we're starting.
Hey, everybody.
D. Spade here with some free jokes.
Whoa, they're so funny.
(crickets chirp)
All right.
According to a recent study, 41% of Americans
thought about getting a bae,
uh, bidet, during the toilet paper shortage.
Do you know what that is?
Oh, you do, okay, good.
I was talking to America.
However, 30% of them refuse to call it a bidet
and are sticking with the term butt sprinkler.
The rest just use their wife's water pick when she's asleep.
I like butt sprinkler.
I'm going to dog ear that for the next Joe Dirt movie,
maybe do a whole 30 pages about that.
A politician in Oklahoma wants to create
an official Bigfoot hunting season.
Officials have warned that Khloe Kardashian
should stay inside until further notice.
I'm not doing that one.
I'm not doing it, 'cause she's a lovely person.
Make sure they take that out.
They're gonna take it out.
Okay.
Jane Krakowski, is that how you say it?
She denied rumors that she had a secret romance
with the MyPillow guy, Mike Lindell.
I thought his name was the MyPillow guy.
She dated a bedding guy, and, of course,
she wanted to keep it under cover. (laughs)
(crickets chirp) Not.
Crickets aren't even touching their legs anymore.
They're like.
I heard they broke up
because she pressured him to change it to OurPillow.
That's always gonna happen.
You know, that's like a legal thing.
Lori Loughlin, remember her?
Her daughter, Olivia Jade, posted her first YouTube video
since her parents went to prison.
She makes an articulate defense of her mother.
She shows remorse, displays a refreshing- I'm kidding.
She just went to the beach.
Uh, it was actually a great argument
about the judicial process and how some people,
white people- nah, I'm kidding.
It was all tits and ass.
A couple of boomerangs of her boobs. (laughs)
Speaking of felons, I guess they're felons,
a 19-year-old was accused of stealing almost $1 million
from the grocery store he worked in.
They're also gonna hit him with 10 cents for every bag
he used to stuff the money in.
Fuck this joke.
How do you get a million dollars from a grocery store?
Was he robbing it at gunpoint every day for six months?
I mean, fuckin',
I see that, there's not that much shit in there.
Everyone's charging it.
This story's got some fuckin' holes in it.
- [Soundboard] Why you no has friends?
- That's not the right one.
(crew laughs)
- (pretend sneezes) Not here.
Not during Corona, even though it's leveling off.
According to my calculations.
Reports surfaced that The Bachelor's Victoria Larson
was arrested in 2012 for shoplifting.
Ironically, if she steals the bachelor's heart.
that'll be caught on camera. (laughs)
Ironically.
(soundboard breathes deeply)
A five-star resort in Turks and Caca received a bad review..
Turks and Caicos, received a bad review
after a customer claimed the masseuse seduced his wife.
He said, "There's a better resort down the street.
It's less expensive and they don't fuck your wife."
They should start with that.
You know what, it's the little things that matter
when you go to a hotel.
♪ We don't pop your wife in the puss ♪
(crew giggles)
That's their jingle.
All right, a man lived inside
Chicago's airport security zone
for almost three months before being caught.
He spent the first two months in line at Starbucks.
By the way,
the guy who spent three months in it was Tom Hanks.
It's called "Terminal".
It's a movie.
Does no one see this?
Fuckin' crummy-ass jokes.
We're gonna take a quick break while I think.
(tone resonates)
Okay.
Have you heard about this?
Scientists are now describing dinosaurs' buttholes
as the Swiss Army knives of buttholes,
because they had so many uses compared to humans' buttholes.
First of all, what scientist says "butthole" over and over?
It's not a scientist, like,
it's like a doctor, when you go to the doctor,
and they're like, "Oh, you know,"
they're like, with women going,
you know, "Right here, you've got your clavicle
and you've got your sternum.
And then over here by your tits,
it sort of goes into the ribcage."
What'd you throw in there?
"Down here, you've got, you know,
there's a psoas muscle,
and then more towards your pussy, there's your thigh."
It's like, are you mixing in street words?
Yeah, the scientists don't say "butthole," that's the point.
Fuck, my hair's looking too good.
I should stop.
Pearl Jam cover band changes name to Legal Jam.
(snores) I got anything for that?
(soundboard vomits)
It, like, flew.
I don't like when the cover bands use, like, Zed Lep-again,
like you're drunk
and you might think it's really Led Zeppelin.
They go,
"Is that Dread Zeppelin?"
I went to see a cover band for fucking Led Zeppelin,
and you know what?
They did new stuff.
I'm like, I don't care if it's your new stuff
or Led Zeppelin's new stuff, do their fucking hits.
It's the simplest thing you can do.
You're a cover band.
Sorry, guys, it's just...
(soundboard barks)
An American couple was arrested
for having sex in a Ferris wheel.
That's so inappropriate, you know?
Ferris wheels, everyone knows they're for handies only.
(David imitates squeaking)
(David laughs) (timer beeps)
Oh, that's my time?