[Agatha] Heroes don't torture people.
[Willow, narrator] Normally, I'd be pretty skeptical of anything the villain is saying,
but this makes sense, right?
Heroes are good people who do good things.
And even if good people occasionally do bad things, they definitely wouldn't do torture.
Yet I also know I've been the one who has caused ongoing harm to others.
And while I'm not a hero,
I don't think that necessarily makes someone a villain either.
So let's talk about WandaVision's Season Finale and unintentionally hurting others.
[upbeat WandaVision intro music plays]
In case you haven't seen WandaVision:
Wanda experienced a tremendous amount of trauma in the MCU movies,
And in WandaVision she has created a reality
where instead of losing the love of her life Vision,
she gets to be with him and have a family.
In doing so, she's unknowingly trapped everyone who lives in the town.
They have been mind controlled into playing roles
to maintain the illusion of the reality that she's created.
When she realizes the consequences of what she's done, Wanda makes it stop, releasing everyone.
But not without losing her family in the process
because they were tied to the magic that created that reality.
Although I think the scene could have been done slightly better,
I'm glad there was a small exchange acknowledging the pain
Wanda experienced in bringing it to an end:
[Monica] They'll never know what you sacrificed for them.
[Willow] But we'll get back to this scene later.
And to be clear, the impact of Wanda's actions are obviously more important.
While she may have stopped what was going on,
the horrors everyone experienced are not undone.
[Sarah] I have a daughter, she's 8.
[Sarah, distressed] If you could just let her out of her room. If I could just hold her, please.
[Willow] As a parent, I can't even imagine experiencing this and
I doubt I'd be able to forgive someone who not only put me through this but
made me lose so much time with my child.
Wanda doesn't understand her powers and has done all of this
without fully being aware of it though.
Even as this mom pleads with her, Wanda thinks it's a trick by the witch Agatha.
[Wanda] What are you doing to her? You're making her say this.
[Willow] It's not easy to accept when we've done harm unintentionally.
Unfortunately, it's also pretty easy to do.
I think most harm is done with good intentions or completely unknowingly.
And I'm not talking about the ends justifying the means.
Because that usually means you know there will be harm done but have accepted it's worth it.
Which can definitely be an interesting topic but that already happens a lot with superheroes.
One of the things that makes Wanda unique and how I relate to her is
she has to grapple with pain that she's caused. Even though it's not entirely her fault.
Probably many of us have experienced this on some level.
For example, when I was a new parent,
I was determined to be "the best parent" and watched all these shows like Super Nanny.
[groans]
And so there were a few times when our oldest was younger
where I wasn't sure what to do, so I'd bring them to a spot to sit down for a "time out".
Maybe I can get into why I think that sort of thing is harmful another time, but
what I want to focus on right now is years later,
when they were around 6-years old our child brought up
they remembered me putting them back in a spot for a long time and that they were crying.
They wanted me to know they were still really upset about that.
So, I apologized and said they were absolutely right that I was in the wrong.
They said they didn't forgive me.
And I said that's okay,
I just want you to know I won't ever do anything like that again
and I'm glad you told me how you felt.
Thankfully, by then we had already done things quite differently for years
and recognized our previous actions were harmful.
In WandaVision, everyone's pain is fresh
as is Wanda's realization that she's responsible for that pain.
She doesn't want to believe it.
In her mind, she is a hero. Or at least she's trying to be.
And heroes do good things.
So she has to reconcile with the fact that she's been putting these people through hell.
Wanda has hints here and there and she suspects she's done something,
but out of protection for herself her brain dismisses it
out of hand and assumes things must be fine so she can be with her family.
Even when it's made very clear what Wanda's done,
she tries to rationalize how there must be a good reason for it.
[Wanda] No, that's not true. I've- I've kept you safe in here.
[Willow] This is where I can really relate to Wanda.
There's several moments earlier in the show where Wanda's reactions
may seem like she's fully aware of what she's doing.
[Wanda] Thank you for humoring me and wearing this ridiculous get up, hon
[Vision] Well, there were no other clothes in my closet, so...
[Wilow] So, did Wanda know all along and was just lying?
Sort of? I think she WAS lying...
to herself.
You've likely heard of Cognitive Dissonance
which is when we feel discomfort at holding conflicting beliefs at once
or when we have to act in a way that contradicts our beliefs.
Cognitive Dissonance can act as a defense mechanism to keep us mentally healthy and happy.
Whether that's being glad for the choices we've made
or being able to justify difficult choices that we felt we had to make.
Like maybe you've felt uncomfortable lying about something
but knew it was necessary to keep yourself safe. [Wanda] What did you say?
[Willow] Of course Cognitive Dissonance can also be
unhealthy if it keeps us from changing a belief or behavior that should be changed
A good example is when Tony Stark tries to rationalize having taken
the Spider-Man suit from Peter Parker,
which I talked about in my video on Miles.
Or when I saw my child was upset when I put them in time out,
I felt conflicted at the time but persisted trying to convince myself it's what I "had" to do.
So while Wanda gets upset and responds angrily when confronted with what she's doing
[Vision] You can't control me the way you do them
[Wanda] Can't I?
[Willow] that doesn't mean she fully comprehends what's going on.
Wanda knows she's done something,
but cognitive dissonance is keeping her from fully processing what's happening.
We see a similar denial of using her powers when Agatha forces Wanda to recall a memory
in which Wanda and her brother were trapped next to a bomb.
[Agatha] Did you stop that bomb?
[Wanda] No, I- it just never went off. It was defective. We didn't know that.
[Willow] Our brains are very good
at normalizing things in an attempt to make sense of our environments.
And our cognitive dissonance can make us defensive to questioning what has been normalized.
For me, I carried some pretty toxic behavior into my marriage.
Unfortunately, when you grow up in such an environment it's
easy to pick up toxic behaviors yourself without realizing it.
Many times they are kind of passed on like a
cursed family heirloom. Passed on generation to generation.
Some of the biggest issues weren't directly from me,
but things my family would do.
I would often understand why my wife would get upset,
but ultimately would try to keep the peace because I had it instilled in me that family is forever.
So in my mind I was at an impasse, you can't get rid of family,
but things going on were clearly causing harm.
I wasn't able to consider all of the options in between.
When I eventually found a good therapist,
I was finally able to see what was going on.
But it's not like I had no idea something was wrong before.
I had even managed to incorporate some of the toxic dynamic into jokes.
After all, isn't everybody's family messed up?
So while it was freeing to learn I deserved better.
It also revealed how I was part of that toxicity.
How I had done things to exist in that environment that harmed people, like my wife.
And in hindsight, it feels everything was obvious.
This is part of what makes it so hard.
You know what's going on, but also don't.
[Wanda] I should have told you everything... the moment I realized what I had done
[Vision] It's alright, Wanda
[Willow] Wanda is also grappling with learning she is the Scarlet Witch
and told she's destined to destroy the world.
I wonder how many others with mental illnesses or neurodivergence relate to this
because it feels like receiving a diagnosis with
all of the negative baggage that is often attached to it.
For me, trying to get a diagnosis for autism is what led me to therapy.
So, like Wanda, I was grappling with my identity
and reflecting on my entire life while also trying to come to terms with the harm I'd done.
The stigmas really complicate things because it can feel like
"Part of who I am will always hurt people".
And I want to be real clear, this just isn't true.
Even for the most vilified diagnoses.
Which is why we shouldn't toss those labels around to explain awful behavior.
But navigating our differences can be complicated and messy.
Everyone causes harm sometimes without intention.
But when the way we do so looks different,
it can be hard to find validation that we are not villains.
I can't even imagine how difficult that would be
if I possessed powers that could actually change reality.
And while it's more important to own the impact we have caused,
it's also important to acknowledge our intent.
[Wanda] You see, the difference between you and me
is that you did this on purpose.
[Willow] Which is why I'm glad this scene I mentioned earlier was included.
[Monica] They'll never know what you sacrificed for them.
Monica is someone who was harmed by Wanda's powers who is able to acknowledge Wanda isn't a monster.
That the harm wasn't intentional.
[Wanda] And you, you don't hate me?
[Monica] Given the chance. Given your power.
I'd bring my Mom back.
[Willow] And it makes sense of all of the people she'd be the one able to empathize with Wanda.
For starters, she tried to from the start.
And it's gotta make it easier when you've ended up with super powers from the ordeal too.
It may not seem like Wanda has sacrificed anything because none of this is real.
But letting go of that false reality is painful.
In this reality, Wanda didn't have to be alone. She had her family.
And now she has to accept
She doesn't know if she will be able to stop herself from hurting others,
and possibly destroying the world. But she has to believe it's possible.
[Wanda] I don't understand this power, but I will.
[Willow] When I gave up my reality, it meant losing the family I had grown up with.
Not just that I had to stop contact with pretty much all of them,
but that they were never really the people I thought they were to begin with.
They were just playing roles in a fiction I had created when I was little.
It just seemed so real because I needed it to be. To survive. To not feel alone.
[Wanda] A family is forever
[Agatha laughs]
[Willow] I remember one of my wife's friends who was there to validate my wife's pain fully
did acknowledge how difficult it must have been for me.
That I had essentially buried my whole family.
It really meant a lot to hear that from one person.
It didn't take away the shame I felt or all the harm I had done.
But it at least reminded me that I wasn't a villain.
And I wasn't a hero for finally doing the right thing either.
Just human.
I had to focus on learning and doing better.
And accept I may not be forgiven.
And I had to resist the temptation to explain my intentions to those I had harmed.
It was nice that Wanda did this as well.
She could have just flown away after freeing everyone.
But she chose to do a walk of shame, to be seen by her victims.
And she didn't try to justify her actions to any of them.
[Monica] They'll never know what you sacrificed for them.
[Wanda] It wouldn't change how they see me
[Willow] While I wish her apology at the end was maybe extended to everyone,
I liked that Monica didn't just forgive Wanda either.
There's a difference between understanding why someone has harmed you and forgiving them.
[Wanda] I'm sorry. For all the pain I've caused.
[Monica] I know
[Willow] Life isn't as black and white as heroes and villains can make it seem like in the comics.
Sometimes things work out.
My child eventually did ask
why I had used things like 'time outs' so I was given a chance to explain myself.
And even if I thought what I did was right,
it would have been the right thing to do to validate their pain
and not explain myself unless I was asked.
It can be tempting to defend ourselves by speaking our intention.
But usually people already know, they just need their pain validated.
Like I said earlier, most harm is done with good intentions.
With my wife it's more complicated.
We are happy but that pain I caused is still there and it may always be.
All I can do is try to be the best partner I can.
So, if you've harmed others, I hope you remember that you can still do better.
I know it can be hard to accept the pain we've caused may never go away.
That we may never be forgiven.
But we have to remember no matter how much better we become or how hard we try,
the people we hurt never owe us anything.
We have to be the judge for ourselves and decide if we've done enough.
And that's hard because even if we do the right thing and change,
we may not receive validation for it.
But I know it's worth it. And I hope you know you're not alone.
[Wanda] But I don't need you to tell me who I am
[Willow] Our patrons this week have chosen to spotlight Emileigh with a G.
Emileigh covers media from a leftist and disabled perspective over on her channel
and also does occasional TV reviews.
I highly recommend her series on Doom Patrol and Disability
or her video on some of the awful history behind the TV show Cops.
You should definitely check her channel out, I'm even in
a short video talking about making resolutions!
Remember, if you want to help pick the next creator we spotlight,
you can become a patron at patreon.com/QuestingRefuge
Take care of yourselves.
And remember,
you're not alone.