I used to go out and see people and do stuff at night.
And now some nights I just stay in and read Amazon reviews
of things I already own.
I think I'm just looking for a sense of community.
You know? I'm like,
"I wonder who else out there is mad about my blender."
( laughter )
"Yeah, yeah, Rick F. from Iowa is right.
The puree setting really is more of a fine chop."
( laughter )
I think Amazon just knows me too well now.
Like my recommendations have become such a bummer.
Every time I go on now it's like,
"Because you enjoyed the book "Fatherless Women"--"
I'm like, "Oh, Amazon, don't even finish that sentence."
( laughter, scattered applause )
And by the way, I wouldn't say I enjoyed "Fatherless Women."
Like-- No, sometimes I try
to throw it off my scent a little bit
by clicking on cool stuff.
You know, try to make it think I have a cool life.
Put in an hour or two clicking on, like, snowboards,
and big boxes of big condoms.
I just want Amazon to think
I'm busy hitting the slopes in my Magnums.
You know, just-- "That's right, Amazon.
Mama got a big old dick."
- ( laughter ) - It's--
I just hope next time I go on-- I just want it to be like,
"Because you bought a thousand extra large condoms,
we thought you might like to hang out some time.
"Em, come grab a brewski with your old boy Amazon."
So, you know,
the other night Amazon and I were DP'ing this chick
and, uh-- I'm kid-- I was reading "Fatherless Women."
I told you.
No. I, uh-- I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
You guys ever do this?
I was like, "All right tonight I'm going to bed early.
Early bedtime for me. Eight o'clock.
Full night's rest."
And then the sun was coming up and I'm like,
"Why am I reading Kelly Clarkson's discography?
Where did the night go?"
I did-- Oh, I fell deep into a Google hole.
I ended up spending most of the night reading about one of her producers.
This guy named Max Martin.
Do you guys know who he is?
- ( scattered cheers ) - A few. All right, cool.
Well, the rest of you, strap in, 'cause I know everything.
So, if you don't know, Max Martin is a 46-year-old,
Swedish music producer,
and he writes and produces all the pop music.
I didn't know it was all coming from one guy,
but it pretty much is.
Like he made all the '90s shit you like.
Like Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys,
all the dry-humping classics and some good new stuff, too.
He wrote and produced songs on the last two Taylor Swift albums,
the Katy Perry "Teenage Dream" album.
He has $300 million according to Google,
and I don't think that's enough.
So, basically, Max Martin is the reason I've ever tried on a halter top.
You know? Didn't work out for me,
but he made me think it could.
He writes all the songs that you can't escape.
You know the ones that just sort of seep into your brain
whether you want them there or not.
Like, I never wanted to learn the lyrics to "California Girls"
but I've had to wait for a prescription before.
So, you know, now I know it all.
But I just-- it made so much sense
once I saw how many songs he's responsible for.
I'm like, "Oh, this is why all the pop songs sound the same."
This is why every pop song is like,
( high-pitched voice ) ♪ I'm a little lamb ♪
( deep voice ) ♪ With big ole titties! ♪
'Cause it's all written by this Swedish guy
and English is his second language.
Doesn't that make so much sense?
Every day this dude wakes up and he's like,
"All right, Max, what do girls like? What do girls like?
Uh, lollipops, bikinis-- Time for lunch."
Like that's his day.
It's just crazy.
So, I became obsessed with him.
I started reading all these interviews with him.
I read all these interviews with his Swedish, songwriting colleagues.
In one of them they interviewed one of his guys and they were like,
"How do you write all these pop songs for women?
And he said, "Every month we read 'Cosmo.'"
"Cosmo" of all things.
Like, if you've ever read an issue of "Cosmo"
you know it's like the worst representation of women in the world.
Every tip in Cosmo's like,
"Chug a bottle of mouthwash and eat your boyfriend's butt."
And you're like, "This isn't my life!"
And I didn't know what I was doing
all those times I walked up to a newsstand and was like,
"'Cosmo,' no thanks.
I'm just gonna plug in my headphones
and blast it directly into my brain."
Like, I didn't know I was walking around listening to "Cosmo."
So, I freaked out in the middle of the night.
( sighs ) Have you guys ever freaked out so hard you made flow chart?
( laughter )
Cool, cool. Yeah, me neither. Who'd do that?
No. I'm gonna try to walk you through this.
Okay, so I started listening to pop music from a very young age
and that's was how I learned what it meant to be a sexy woman.
Not knowing that Max Martin
and all the Swedish guys making the pop songs were reading "Cosmo"
so they could be sexy women.
Which means for most of my life
I've been doing a bad impression of a middle-aged, Swedish guy
doing a bad impression of an American garbage woman.
Which means my life is a lie.
And then the sun came up and I was like,
"Well, time for work."
And I showed up all frazzled and everyone's like, "Are you okay?"
And I'm like, "There's a man controlling the radio!
He's telling me how short to wear my shorts.
He's making me learn dance moves I don't wanna dance.
He's making me blow dudes."
I don't wanna learn anything else
about the music industry now.
I don't wanna find out that like all of Björk's catalog
was written by one gnome in the woods.
( laughter )