I COME TO WORK EVERY DAY WANTING TO START THE SHOW WITH SOMETHING
OTHER THAN DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) AND YET, EVERY DAY, MORE WORDS
COME OUT OF HIS FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHERE TO BEGIN.
WHERE SHOULD WE START WITH THIS ONE?
PLAU IT'S A LOT THE FACE.
HERE'S ONE-- DONALD'S IN HOT WATER FOR SOME COMMENTS HE MADE
ABOUT FORMER FOX NEWS C.E.O. AND ALLEGED UNCLE TOUCH-TOO-MUCH,
ROGER AILES.
( LAUGHTER ) ALLEGED.
WHEN ASKED HOW HE WOULD FEEL IF HIS DAUGHTER IVANKA WAS SEXUALLY
HARASSED, TRUMP SAID, "I WOULD LIKE TO THINK SHE WOULD FIND
ANOTHER CAREER OR FIND ANOTHER COMPANY, IF THAT WAS THE CASE."
YEAH.
IS THAT SO HARD?
WHEN A WOMAN IS SEXUALLY HARASSED, IT'S UP TO HER TO
LEAVE THAT COMPANY AND SIMPLY FIND A NEW JOB AT ALL THOSE
OTHER COMPANIES WHERE WOMEN ARE LEAVING FOR SOME REASON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LIKE MUSICAL CHAIRS.
IT'S MUSICAL CHAIRS.
BUT WHEN THE MUSIC STOPS, YOU HAVE TO SIT ON YOUR BOSS' LAP.
NOW, SOME ARE POINTING OUT THAT IVANKA HAS WORKED ONLY FOR HER
FATHER AND, THEREFORE, WOULD NEVER BE THE VICTIM OF SEXUAL
HARASSMENT.
>> IF IVANKA WEREN'T MY DAUGHTER, PERHAPS I'D BE DATING
HER.
>> Stephen: SHE SHOULD REALLY REPORT THAT TO THE HEAD OF
HER COMPANY.
YOU KNOW, TRUMP'S HAD SUCH A ROUGH COUPLE OF DAYS, YOU KNOW,
SINCE THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION.
I THINK HE DESERVES A MEDAL.
AND TODAY, HE GOT ONE.
>> A MAN CAME UP TO ME, AND HE HANDED ME HIS PURPLE HEART.
NOW, I SAID TO HIM, I SAID TO HIM, "IS THAT, LIKE, THE REAL
ONE, OR IS THAT A COPY?" AND HE SAID, "THAT'S MY REAL
PURPLE HEART.
I HAVE SUCH CONFIDENCE IN YOU."
AND I SAID, "MAN, THAT'S LIKE-- THAT'S LIKE BIG STUFF.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO GET THE PURPLE HEART."
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE SAYS, "I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A PURPLE
HEART."
HE ALWAYS WANTED THE AWARD YOU GET FOR BEING WOUNDED IN BATTLE.
HE JUST NEVER HAD THE OPPORTUNITY.
MAN, HE MUST KICK HIMSELF OVER THOSE FIVE DEFERMENTS HE
REQUESTED FROM THE VIETNAM DRAFT.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
DARN IT!
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!
WELL, MAYBE HE'LL GET A PURPLE HEART FOR SHOOTING HIMSELF IN
THE FOOT.
( APPLAUSE ) IT MIGHT BE STUFF LIKE THIS THAT
INSPIRED THE PRESIDENT TO SAY TODAY TO SAY THAT "DONALD TRUMP
IS UNFIT TO SERVE AS PRESIDENT."
KEEP IN MEEND, KEEP IN MIND, HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE
CANDIDATES, THOSE WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SAID BY A SITTING
PRESIDENT OF ANY NOMINEE, EVER.
THAT INCLUDES WHEN CHESTER A.
ARTHUR REFUSED TO QUESTION THE QUALIFICATIONS OF STINK EYE
WILLIE, THE PIE-STEALING HOBO.
( LAUGHTER ) VERY CLOSE.
STINK EYE.
VERY STRONG ON TRANSPORTATION INFRASTRUCTURE, VERY STRONG.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, OF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP
DOESN'T CARE IF THE ESTABLISHMENT THINKS HE'S FIT
FOR THE JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S A MAN OF THE PEOPLE.
THAT'S WHY YESTERDAY, TRUMP TWEETED THIS PHOTO OF HIMSELF ON
THIS PRIVATE JET, EATING K.F.C.
THERE IT IS, EXTRA CRISPY AND SOME CHICKEN.
STUCK IN MY THROAT.
THAT JOKE STUCK IN MY THROAT, LITERALLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT PUNCH LINE STUCK IN MY
THROAT LIKE A CHICKEN BONE.
IT DOES BOLSTER HIS MILITARY CREDENTIALS, BECAUSE HE CLEARLY
HAS A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP TO THE COLONEL.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I THINK-- JUST LOOKING AT
THAT PHOTO, I THINK HE IS BLOWING THE WHOLE "MAN OF THE
PEOPLE" THING BY EATING HIS K.F.C. WITH SILVERWARE!
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME!
MR. TRUMP, WHAT PART OF "FINGER LICKIN' GOOD" DON'T YOU
UNDERSTAND?
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
I THINK THAT'S ILLEGAL.
AND JUST SOME ADVICE, IF YOU WANT TO SEEM RELATABLE, DON'T
EAT J.F.K. ON A PRIVATE JET.
IF YOU WANT TO BE RELATABLE, EAT LOBSTER ON A CROSSTOWN BUS.
( APPLAUSE ) I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT.
THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.
SPEAKING OF DONALD TRUMP.
DONALD TRUMP.
WE HAVE MORE DONALD TRUMP.
TODAY TRUMP HELD A RALLY WHERE HE FOCUSED ON SPECIFIC YOUTH
OUTREACH.
>> I HAVE THE BIGGEST BANK IN THE WORLD, IS A TENANT OF MINE,
THE BIGGEST IN THE WORLD, A CHINESE BANK.
(BABY CRIES) DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT BABY.
I LOVE BABIES.
I HEAR THAT BABY CRYING.
I LIKE IT.
WHAT A BABY.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY.
DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY.
THE MOM IS RUNNING AROUND LIKE-- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT'S YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL AND HEALTHY, AND THAT'S WHAT WE
WANT.
>> Stephen: YOU SEE?
YOU SEE?
HE CAN BE A NICE GUY.
I SHOULD APOLOGIZE-- WHAT'S THAT?
>> ACTUALLY, I WAS ONLY KIDDING.
YOU CAN GET THE BABY OUT OF HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH!
YEAH!
GET THE BABY OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CRYING BABY!
THAT BABY-- SO CLOSE TO HUMANITY.
THAT CRYING BABY WANTS TO STAY HERE, IT NEEDS TO ACT LIKE AN
ADULT.
BECAUSE WHEN WE ADULTS LISTEN TO TRUMP, WE WEEP SILENTLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, AND IN-- THERE IS-- GET OUT
OF HERE, BABY!
OH, AND IN RARE NON-TRUMP NEWS, I AM FEELING HORRIBLY BETRAYED
THIS EVENING.
THERE ARE CERTAIN-- THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS WE'VE BEEN TOLD TO DO IN ORDER TO LIVE
A HEALTHY LIFE: EAT VEGETABLES, EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE DISGUSTING.
DRINK WATER, EVEN THOUGH IT'S DISGUSTING
( LAUGHTER ) AND, OF COURSE, FLOSS YOUR
TEETH.
WELL, IT TURNS OUT, FLOSSING MIGHT BE UNNECESSARY BECAUSE
AFTER LOOKING AT 25 STUDIES ON THE EFFECTIVENESS OF FLOSSING,
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS HAS DETERMINED THAT THE EVIDENCE FOR
FLOSSING IS "WEAK, VERY UNRELIABLE," OF "VERY LOW"
QUALITY, AND CARRIES "A MODERATE TO LARGE POTENTIAL FOR BIAS."
OH, BUT THE HELL YOU HAVE TO PAY IF YOU DON'T FLOSS.
OH, THEY SHAME YOU WHEN YOU GO IN FOR THE CLEANING, DON'T THEY?
YEAH, YEAH.
THE NIGHT BEFORE YOU ALWAYS GO, "OH, DAMN, I'VE GOT TO FLOSS
NOW."
>> Jon: THEY KNOW.
>> Stephen: THEY KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T FLOSS.
>> Jon: YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FLOSSING.
>> Stephen: THE WHOLE TIME.
>> Jon: YOU'LL BE SWOLLEN.
>> Stephen: YOUR GUMS ARE BLEEDING.
YOUR SINK WILL LOOK LIKE A QUENTIN TARANTINO MOVIE IN
THERE.
IT LOOKS LIKE "THE HATEFUL EIGHT EIGHT" WHEN YOU'RE DONE YOU'RE
SO DESPERATE.
WE'VE BEEN LIED TO.
YOU LIED TO ME, DENTAL HYGIENIST DAWN.
BASED ON THIS NEWS, I'M GOING TO STOP FLOSSING 38 YEARS AGO.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GREAT WILL SMITH.