- So what is dating anxiety,
why do you have it,
and how can you eliminate it?
"What if I date someone and they don't like me?
"What if I'm not good enough for the person I like?
"What if they reject me
"because of the way I look?
"What if they find out I'm not that smart,
"I'm not that interesting?
"What if I get hurt?
"What if it doesn't work out?
"I can't put myself through dating anymore."
Does any of this sound familiar?
You see, dating shouldn't be tough.
It should be wonderful.
But it can be tough.
It can even be painful.
And that's because the stress and self-doubt
that you are putting yourself through
when you think, "I'm out there,
"I'm on display,
"I'm offering myself and I might be rejected,"
that feeling that we could be rejected is overwhelming.
In fact, the fear of being rejected,
the belief that someone can say, "I don't like you,
"you're not good enough,
"you're not what I want," is so painful.
But the truth is, no one, no one can reject you
unless you give them your consent
and you are free to say,
"No, I will not give anyone my permission to reject me."
And that's very good news.
So I want to help you conquer any kind of dating anxiety
and enjoy the beautiful journey of finding lasting love.
You could say, "I'm about to go on a date.
"What if it doesn't work out?
"What if they don't like me?
"What if I'm disappointing?
"What if..., what if..., what if...?"
But here's a "what if,"
What if you met someone tonight,
and you go, "Wow, I'm having such fun meeting someone,
"finding out about someone else,
"finding out about me"?
So, whatever your ideal person is,
whatever you are looking for,
you need to look for it without dating anxiety.
When you're feeling extremely nervous,
when you're having anxious feelings,
when you have butterflies in your stomach,
when you feel a bit shaky,
you go, "Oh, I'm so nervous.
"My heart is in my mouth.
"I'm feeling panicky."
You see, these are all signs that you believe
that somebody could reject you.
So, to have dating anxiety,
you must have the belief, "I'm going out,
"I'm putting myself out there,"
"I'm on Tinder, I'm on Plenty of Fish,"
the fact that somebody might swipe the wrong way,
"Oh, not you, not you, not that person.
"You're not tall enough, slim enough, pretty enough,
"interesting enough, wealthy enough."
The fact that someone can reject us on our looks,
go to our profile, and think,
"Oh no, you're really boring.
"I don't want someone with kids.
"I don't want someone that likes pets.
"I don't want someone that hasn't got a lot of hair.
"I don't want someone that isn't a perfect 10."
These things cause dating anxiety.
Because dating, you believe,
is leaving you open to judgment.
"Will this person like me?
"Will they reject me?"
You're feeling pressured to find your match.
You're looking for your other half.
And by the way, you're not a half.
You're already whole.
Don't look for someone to complete you
because you're not incomplete.
But when you have that pressure,
"I've got to find the one,
"I'm nothing without someone,
"I need to find my other half,"
now you're feeling pressure.
And sometimes we have parents who go,
"When are you going to get married?
"When are you giving me grandchildren?
"You're getting a bit old.
"You're on the shelf.
"You need to go out there.
"You need to find somebody before it's too late.
"You know, you're getting older.
"You need to find someone."
So we get a lot of pressure from family members
and other friends who are married,
who go, "Oh, well, we're so happy.
"You should go and find that."
And then worrying that you have indeed left it too late,
"The clock is ticking and it's too late."
And this worrying, "I've got to find someone,"
that very worrying leads to another worry,
"What if I say the wrong thing?"
It's as if a date is an interview
that you may fail at.
So when you believe, "I'm going on a date,
"I'm being judged, I'm being assessed,
"I'm being appraised.
"And what if I get everything wrong?
"What if I embarrass myself?
"What if they look really bored?
"What if they leave halfway through the date?"
These worries and anxieties are caused
by low self-confidence, low self-esteem,
a sense of low self-worth.
"I need someone to love me."
So you're asking the wrong questions.
"What if you don't like me?
"What if you reject me?
"What if I'm not enough?"
The question should be, "What if I don't like you?
"What if I don't feel that you're right for me?"
You see, you need to go on a date
with the power to be the chooser, not the chosen.
And when your life is happy the way it is,
when you get to a level where, "You know what?
"I'd rather be alone than to be with the wrong person,"
when you can make your life happy now,
"Actually, I have a good life.
"I've got friends, I've got pets, I like my job,
"I like my home.
"If I find someone to share it with, that's great.
"But if I don't, it's still a good life."
Never ask the question on a date, "Am I worth it?"
Because no one has the power to answer that better than you.
And the most powerful thing you need to do to find love is
to decide, "I'm worth it.
"I'm worthy of love.
"I'm deserving of love.
"I'm ready for love and love is ready for me."
When you decide you are worthy of, ready for,
and deserving of love, it will find you,
just as you find it.
But don't go out and look from a sense of lack,
"I'm not enough so I need to find love to be complete."
Go out and find love from a sense of, "I'm already lovable."
Somebody said to me once, "You know, I have a baby.
"I'm a single mother.
"How can I find love?"
I said, "You know what?
"You need to reframe that.
"Because you have love.
"You are a single mother, you have a baby that loves you,
"that you love.
"You have so much love in your life.
"And now that you have love,
"you can have more love.
"And if you want to, you can believe
"that your baby is an asset."
When I was a single parent, men used to hit on me all the time
and use my daughter, "Oh, your little girl is so cute.
"Oh, she's so sweet.
"What a cute thing."
On planes, on trains, people would hit on me
and use my daughter.
And I always thought that was interesting.
Because I never thought, "I'm a single parent.
"I'm less than."
In many ways, she made me more than.
And I had more than one person that fell in love with me
and my daughter.
Loved her, adored her, loved me too.
And didn't say, "Well, you know, you're less than.
"You're damage goods.
"You come with a child."
Paul McCartney fell in love with Linda.
You know what he said?
"I had all these girls that loved me
"but Linda was a woman.
"She was going across New York,
"taking Heather to the dentist.
"I fell in love with her and I fell in love with Heather."
I've met so many people who said,
"I fell in love with my partner
"because they were such an amazing father,
"such an amazing mother, such an amazing parent.
"And I felt so blessed that I had extra people to love.
"I love my partner and their children."
So that's a way of looking at it differently.
You're not less than if you're a single parent,
you are more than.
You're not less than
if your previous relationship didn't work
because, by the way, if you have a relationship,
you now have a template.
And if it doesn't work, you can have another one.
So when you are going on a date, take a minute,
way before you get ready,
and give yourself a talking to.
"I've got a good heart.
"I'm a wonderful person.
"I've got something to offer the world.
"I am lovable.
"I'm kind, I'm interesting, I'm funny."
And I promise you this, you are someone's fantasy
dream come true.
One of my friends said,
"You know, when I met my wife,
"she was walking along in a cafeteria
"and she shoplifted a candy bar
"and her thighs were rubbing together,
"and I thought, 'That is the sexiest thing I've ever seen
"'in my life.'"
He said, "I loved her...
"the fact that she lifted this candy bar and stuck it in her pocket
"and I loved how her thighs rubbed together.
"And I said to her, 'I saw that.'
"And she laughed and said, 'Don't tell anyone.'
"We began to date."
They've been married for 30 years.
But, you see, isn't that interesting?
You might think,
"I'll be rejected because my thighs rub together."
No, somebody would find that deeply sexy.
So dating anxiety is your anxiety
that you could be rejected.
But you could find love.
Sometimes we find love in the most unusual places.
But when you go onto a date with that feeling of lack,
"Do you like me?
"Am I okay?
"Are you sure?"
You have to go onto the date with, "I like me.
"I'm okay. And I'm sure.
"And if you like me too, well, that's amazing.
"If you don't, that's a shame for you,
"but it's not a shame for me
"because I know I've got something to offer the world."
And when you start to think like that
and speak like that to yourself,
you begin to eliminate dating anxiety.
So practice being mindful.
Before you go on a date,
remember what other people have loved about you.
I want you to think of all the great love songs
that say, "Something in the way you moved,
"the way you smile."
There's a great song about... a guy singing
about his girlfriend always gets the words wrong
when she tries to sing the lyrics of a song,
and he loves her more because of that.
"You're going to do it wrong, and that's why I love you."
"Miss Independence, that's why I love you."
So look at some song lyrics to understand
that we love things that we often can't put our finger on.
That wonky smile,
that lopsided grin.
That's why we love people.
We don't love people because they're perfect,
we love people because they have a real heart.
No one can make you feel good about yourself
unless you do it first.
Otherwise, you go, "Why are you saying that?
"What do you want?
"What's your agenda?
"That's not true."
So take a minute and tell yourself the truth;
you are deeply, deeply lovable just the way you are.
Like Billy Joel said,
"Don't go changing to try to please me.
"I love you just the way you are."
That's why we all love Bridget Jones.
Bridget wasn't a 10, and she didn't wear designer clothes.
And that guy said, "I love her.
"I need Bridget just the way she is."
Renée Zellweger had to gain, I think,
30 pounds to play that part,
but I love that because it was real.
So tell yourself you are lovable.
The most important words you will ever hear
come from you.
Tell yourself you're excited.
You see, the mind cannot differentiate
between nervous and excited.
"I'm nervous about going on a date,"
"I'm excited."
"I'm so anxious,"
"I'm so excited.
"I'm going to meet someone.
"They're going to meet me."
And remember, don't go, "I'm going to meet someone."
Think about, "Someone's going to meet me.
"We're going to meet each other."
So be prepared.
Have some things to talk about.
Do not talk about all the people that dumped you,
hurt you, left you, betrayed you.
That is so unattractive.
Talk about your interests, your passions.
And remember, you have two ears and one mouth.
And that means listen more, talk less.
Be mysterious.
Don't give everything away on a first date.
And don't spend too long on a first date.
Maybe make it a lunch date or a short dinner date.
And spend time feeling good about you.
When you're getting ready, look in the mirror,
and go, "Hey, look at you, there you are.
"You are lovable."
Nobody can love you unless you love you.
Focus on all the good things about you.
Let go of negative thoughts and replace them
with positive ones.
You're a good person with a good heart.
And people really are not that hung up
on what you look like.
They're much more focused on how you make them feel.
Are you funny?
Are you interesting?
Do you make someone laugh?
Looks don't last.
But character lasts.
And if you really think you need more,
then get some help.
Get some therapy, talk to friends,
get some self-help programs.
And remember, you are brave,
you are going out into the world,
putting yourself out there.
Being honest about, "Hey, I'd love to share my life
"with the right person."
When Whitney Huston sang that beautiful song,
"Share my life.
"Don't walk out the door.
"I don't want to be alone anymore,"
that was brave.
But you're brave.
If you are going out into the world dating,
you are brave.
You are courageous.
You are admirable.
And confidence and courage is very, very sexy.
And remember, there is someone out there
who would love to be with you.
My gran used to say, "Every pan has a lid."
You are someone's lid, someone is your pan.
So go on dates,
and go on more dates.
Don't think, "Well, I've been on three,
"they didn't work out."
If they keep not working out,
look at the kind of person you're going on a date with.
Are you rushing into it when
if it's online you can get
to know someone a little bit first?
And when you go on a date knowing who you are,
your confidence will make you extremely attractive.
If you want to overcome dating anxiety
and have dating excitement, dating confidence, dating joy,
click the link below to access my 'Dating
'and Relationship' bundle and start attracting the love
and the relationship that you want.
Because you definitely deserve it,
and you are absolutely worth it.