- As a single, childless 31-year-old,
it might not come as a surprise to you
that I don't know this, but there was something
that parents are doing with their children
that I find horrendous.
And it is called Elf on the Shelf.
What is Elf on the Shelf for those people that don't know?
Well, it's been around for years,
but I've only just learnt,
oh.
That's inappropriate.
I've only just learnt about it and it involves this guy.
Oh, he looks sweet and innocent, doesn't he?
No he doesn't, he looks (beeping) terrifying.
(ominous horror music)
This is the elf that lives on the shelf.
Oh, that's actually cute.
Oh.
(ominous horror music)
Now, because this concept is quite new to me,
I just wanna go over what exactly you do with this elf.
In the month of December, Santa Claus sends out some scouts
to watch the kids to make sure they're behaving
so they make it on the nice list so that they get presents.
And that's where this one comes in particularly handy
because he's always watching,
watching the kids to make sure they're behaving.
(ominous horror music)
I can't find any fault with this because if I was a parent,
I would 100% be torturing my children
with this innocent looking,
yet with very malice intent in the eyes, elf
who watches your every move
and tells Santa what you've been up to.
Every morning, the kids wake up
and find this elf in a different location.
One minute, he's on the shelf,
the next minute, he's in the dining table.
Or if you're Dave Hughes, Australia's premiere comedian,
your Elf on the Shelf is in the bathroom
and has written something on the wall.
(energetic electronic music)
I look, oh, don't look at me.
I look, oh, get away.
I looked this up online to see if kids really take to it
and a lot of them do.
They get really excited that Elf on the Shelf has arrived,
they're really into it and then there's video montages
that I just get lost in.
Like, they're so funny.
(child screaming)
- [Child] Mommy, it moved, it moved, it moved!
It moved!
(crying) Oh my god, it moved!
- I mean, I wonder what they're scared of.
What could possibly be terrorizing these kids?
You know what's really weird
is that I swear I've seen this in The Simpsons
where Maggie has one and Homer puts it on the shelf
and Maggie's terrified.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
- Have you been a bad baby?
- He's just whispering
some murderous death threats in my ear.
This doll is like Chucky 2.0.
Like, I, I mean.
I'm so shocked that this doll has been around for so long
and I just haven't really known what the purpose of it was.
I thought it was just an elf that you put on the shelf
and then it just lives there, terrifying the kids,
but no, it actually watches the children
and reports back to Santa.
These kids are gonna grow up with mental issues,
with serious trust issues caused
because parents are too lazy to reprimand their children.
Instead of hitting your child when it does something wrong,
you threaten it with the creepy doll.
What has society become
when we can't use the wooden spoon on our own kids?
This is my Christmas 3D doll.
Christian, we'll put him on the,
Christian on the Couch!
Why don't we do that?
That is far less terrifying.
It's more jolly 'cause I feel like fat people,
you trust fat people.
Santa is fat, we trust him.
This guy, old Snitchy McSnitchpants
is basically put in your home to dob on you to Santa.
Put this in the bin!
(doll thudding on ground)
Oops.
Okay, so that's how the elf landed on the ground.
If that isn't the definition of (beeping) insane,
then I don't know what is.
It's so lovely to see you and into the bin you go
because you are legitimately the most terrifying thing
I have ever seen in my life
and I just realized I'm not wearing any pants.
So, sorry about, about that.
In summary, Elf on the Shelf is a great way
to mentally scar your seriously out of control children
and I don't think it's bad parenting,
I just think it's lazy parenting.
Just hit your children if they're playing up.
Don't torture them with a creepy elf-looking doll!
(energetic electronic music)