♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FOLKS, AS YOU KNOW, HALLOWEEN IS THIS WEEKEND, WHEN
ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY, FOLKS WILL STUFF THEMSELVES WITH
BUTTERFINGERS WHILE PRETENDING THEY HAVEN'T BEEN DOING THAT FOR
THE ENTIRE PANDEMIC.
AND SOME PEOPLE LOVE TO GIVE HALLOWEEN CARDS.
BUT EVEN THE BEST HALLOWEEN CARDS DON'T NAIL IT ON THE FIRST
TRY.
SO, TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE EARLY ATTEMPTS IN
>> NO, NO, STUPID!
>> Stephen: AS ALWAYS, I NEED A LITTLE HELP.
AND AS ALWAYS, I HAVE THE BEST HELPER IN THE WORLD.
PLEASE WELCOME MY WIFE, EVIE.
EVIE, COME ON OUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
>> HI!
>> Stephen: HI, NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK FABULOUS.
THE TOP IS VERY AWE TUM NULL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THERE YOU GO.
A LITTLE CANDY.
A LITTLE SOMETHING THERE.
WE CALL THIS THE ( BLEEP ) BUCKET.
ANYTHING-- I'M SORRY SHE DOESN'T LIKE-- SHE DOESN'T LIKE THE BAD
LANGUAGE.
SHE'S MUCH NICER THAN I AM.
CAN I HAVE THIS?
HE'S TELLING ME MY NAME IS ON THE BUILDING, I CAN HAVE
WHATEVER I WANT.
OKAY, SO WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE, DARLING, ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH
HOW "FIRST DRAFTS" WORKS?
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> MY PLEASURE.
WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A SERIES OF CARDS, IN THIS CASE HALLOWEEN
CARDS.
THE TOP CARD WILL BE THE CARD THAT WAS ACTUALLY SOLD, AND THE
SECOND CARD WILL BE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THAT CARD THAT WAS NOT
GOOD ENOUGH TO BE SOLD, THAT THEY HAD TO REWRITE.
HAVE I EXPLAINED THE PREMISE ENOUGH.
>> WHO SENDS HALLOWEEN CARDS?
>> Stephen: OKAY.
( LAUGHTER )
UNDERMINE--
>> I MEAN, I DON'T DO THAT!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHO SENDS HALLOWEEN CARDS?
MY SISTER MARGOT SENDS HALLOWEEN CARDS.
>> OKAY, SHE DOES.
>> Stephen: YOU REALIZE YOU'RE UNDERMINING THE PREMISE OF THIS
ENTIRE BIT.
>> BUT I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CAN I HAVE THE FIRST CARD?
SO, HERE'S YOUR BASIC VAMPIRE.
"HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" A CLASSIC, WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO
GET OF GET THAT.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
I VISH I HADN'T BITTEN THAT ANTI-VAXXER."
YOU SEE, IT'S TOPICAL.
>> I'D SEND THAT ONE.
HERE'S THE THING, WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP, DID YOU HAVE A GO-TO
COSTUME?
>> I WAS PETER PAN SEVERAL YEARS IN A ROW, AND MY SERVICE WENDY.
>> Stephen: AND WERE YOU JEALOUS THAT SHE GOT TO PLAY
WENDY?
>> YES!
SHE GOT TO WEAR THE NIGHTGOWN, AND I HAD THE SHORT HAIR AND,
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE BOY OUTFIT.
I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: YUP.
( LAUGHTER )
I WAS A VAMPIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> I KNOW THAT!
>> Stephen: BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT!
THAT IS CALLED "BANTER."
YOU THINK I HAVEN'T HEARD-- HAVEN'T HEARD THAT PETER PAN
STORY BEFORE!
>> I HAVE A SERIOUS QUESTION FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A SERIOUS QUESTION?
OH, GOOD, IT'S A SERIOUS SHOW.
>> ARE WE GOING TO DECORATE OUR HOUSE.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A PUMPKIN YET.
>> I KNOW.
IT'S SO SAD.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WE'RE EMPTY NESTERS THIS YEAR.
>> IT'S SO SAD.
>> Stephen: GET A PUMPKIN AND WE'LL CARVE IT.
>> I DECIDED "EMPTY NESTER" IS A MEAN TERM.
>> Stephen: WHY?
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE-- I DON'T KNOW, LIKE YOUR HOUSE --
>> Stephen: ONE FOOT IN THE GAVE IS WHAT IS MEANS.
LET'S COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES "EMPTY NESTER."
>> Stephen: SEXY AND ALONE.
THAT'S MORE DISTURBING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> OKAY!
>> Stephen: THEY ARE OVER THERE DESPERATE FOR US TO GET TO
THE SECOND CARD.
>> OKAY!
>> Stephen: I'VE GOT IT.
I'VE GOT IT HERE.
>> OKAY!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE DOING YOUR JOB.
I'M THE THE LOGJAM.
THIS IS A ROMANTIC ONE.
IT SAYS, "JUST WANTED TO TELL MY FAVORITE GHOST...
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY BOO."
>> CUTE, VERY CUTE.
>> Stephen: VERY SWEET.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "JUST WANTED TO TELL MY FAVORITE
GHOST...
PLEASE STOP HAUNTING ME.
RICHARD IS MY HUSBAND NOW, AND IT'S UPSETTING WHEN YOU WATCH US
HAVE SEX."
( APPLAUSE )
>> I DO.
>> Stephen: YOU DO?
WE'VE NEVER THROWN ONE.
>> WE DON'T HAVE TO THROW A PARTY TO ENJOY A PARTY.
>> Stephen: WE'VE NEVER BEEN INVITED TO ONE.
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY WITH YOU.
>> WITH ME, NO.
>> Stephen: OH!
WHO-- WHO DO YOU GO TO HALLOWEEN PARTIES WITH?
>> IT'S BEEN 30 YEARS, BUT I DID GO TO PARTIES BEFORE I MET YOU.
>> Stephen: IT BETTER BE 32 YEARS.
IT BETTER NOT BE 30 YEARS.
THIS ONE'S FUN.
IT SAYS, THIS HALLOWEEN, EAT, DRINK, AND BE SCARY.
MAY I HAVE THE NEXT ONE?
YOU MAY.
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST ONE SAID, THIS HALLOWEEN, GO EASY,
AFTER TWO COCKTAILS, YOU'RE A MONSTER.
I LIKE THE LEATHER SKIRT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WE RARELY GET EVIE IN LEATHER.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
WHY THE-- WHY THE SPECIAL OCCASION?
>> I DRESSED UP FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: OH, THANK YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> AND YOU.
AND YOU.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: LOOK LOVELY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK LOVELY.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS, "WE MET ON IA DARK AND
STORMY NIGHT."
AND INSIDE IT SAYS, "AND YOU'VE BEEN GIVING ME THRILLS EVER
SINCE.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN."
>> ANNIVERSARY NICE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS VERY SWEET.
CAN I HAVE THE FIRST DRAFT?
THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "WE MET ON A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT, WHICH
IS WHY I HAD TROUBLE SEEING OR HEARING ANYTHING.
NOW THAT IT'S DAY AND THE STORM IS GONE, I CAN CONFIRM I'MúNOT
INTERESTED IN DATING YOU."
IT'S HONEST.
>> THAT'S AWFUL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAY I HAVE THE LAST CARD, PLEASE.
PLEASE.
>> YOU MAY.
>> HERE'S ONE WITH A BUNCH OF CANDY CORN.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE CANDY CORN, SWEET.
BUT THE FIRST ONE SAID, HAPPY HALLOWEEN, YOU'RE JUST LIKE
CANDY CORN, YOU'RE KIND OF WEIRD AND I'M NOT SURE WHY I EXIST."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TREVOR NOAH.
EVIE MAGEE, EVERYBODY!
EVIE MAGEE.