Several years ago,
I was publicly accused of raping an ex-girlfriend of mine online,
and while the accusations have subsided,
there's been an emotional thorn in my side
for a long time about the entire event.
There have even been occasional flares of upset around it,
especially when I see vicious comments that I receive occasionally
accusing me of being a rapist.
I feel the whole story of this hasn't been told.
At last, it's time.
During my recent trip to Rythmia,
I received deep healing around this entire thing,
and even greater understanding.
While it would have been so easy for me to keep to myself and let it go,
I feel like it's necessary for me to speak about today.
Since I know now that so many people
have most likely lived similar relational dynamics to me,
Perhaps through the story,
it may help others to find healing through the sharing and exploring of what happened.
As I lived it, it was a very difficult time.
I'd been focused on creating a sexual union between us
with the impression that it would be creating, connection,
and healing for both of us at the time.
My partner was not so interested in this,
but still, she consented.
I was only 20 at the time,
and upon reflecting with the plant medicine,
I was able to see that the reason that this situation happened between us at all
was because I was playing out a masculine wound.
I was emotionally limited to only feeling myself.
I could not feel my partner.
Throughout this ayahuasca ceremony,
I was then taken even back further in time
and watched a series of events that transformed my life
and changed me into a boy who couldn't feel.
It began with the death of my father.
His suicide, shortly after my conception,
so does seeds of abandonment, rejection,
and fear into me before I was even born.
Being born into a world without a father,
I had to come to understand my masculine and sexual energies
without proper guidance.
I have since come to realize this as an issue that so many struggle with,
which Robert Bly outlines very well in his legendary book about men 𝐼𝑟𝑜𝑛 𝐽𝑜ℎ𝑛.
There are not enough real fathers in the world,
and this keeps boys from transitioning into men. Real men.
For me, my example of masculinity came from men and boys
who were caught up in their mind,
so fast to criticize everything,
needing to be right in every situation
with no openness to growth,
and all of this resulting from having very poor relationships with their inner feminine.
In junior high along with tremendous abuse and bullying by my peers,
I was taught the typical narrative for young men that if you weren't having sex,
you were a worthless piece of sh*t.
I was subconsciously influenced by the media as well,
that women were sex objects.
And if you haven't seen the film 𝑀𝑖𝑠𝑠 𝑅𝑒𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 on the subject,
I highly recommend giving it a watch
because it really puts into perspective how toxic sexuality appears in the media.
At no point in my life did I receive any education or guidance
that said sex was a sacred connection between two souls.
In fact, I was shamed from feeling I could ask anyone, anything at all.
You probably know that this is not exclusive to me.
This is something most boys face.
Because of this programming,
sex was something to get,
and the result of this created a boy whose lack of connection with his father,
compelled him to try and fill that void with sex to feel empowered
all the while feeling like a worthless piece of sh*t.
And I'm certain as you can tell,
that desperation is not very attractive.
It was this energy within me, this twisted quiet desperation,
that was at the root of why I was eventually called a rapist.
While my partner at the time had consented,
deep down, she did not want to.
She told me later that there was a part of her that wanted to give me what I wanted
because she loved me and cared for me.
But in her heart, she knew it was not right.
Truly had I been able to feel the depths that I do now,
it never would have happened.
To my ex-partner,
I deeply apologize for my own insensitivity.
I am sorry. I was not able to comprehend
that it was not right for us to be together at the time.
I have explored both angles and perspectives on this.
Am I a rapist?
By the conventional standard definition,
I didn't force her down or anything of the sort,
but she said that she felt raped
and I feel like it's important that I honor her feelings.
In fact, this is the reason I gave her a confession in the first place when she asked for it,
which led to the story getting out online.
I've actually publicly stated that I was a rapist before,
thinking it was the right thing to do.
And yet, then I received so many people telling me,
"Well, technically, no. Not actually."
and then other people who just use hat as a fuel for more attacks.
This is where the line blurs in the eyes of the general public,
and I feel it's important that I share this with you now for complete transparency.
Regardless of how you may feel about me
and despite my mistakes the broken child who got into that mess in the first place,
is not who I am.
It is not a reflection of what's in my heart or what I stand for.
To quote one of my favorite authors, Robert Bly,
whose work is designed for the evolution of manhood everywhere,
He writes:
"Our story gives a teaching that says where a man's wound is,
that is where his genius will be.
Wherever the wound appears in our psyches,
whether from alcoholic father, shaming mother, shaming father, abusing mother,
whether it stems from isolation, disability, or disease,
that is precisely the place
for which we will give our major gift to the community."
And so it's because of these wounds, these accusations, these mistakes,
that I am able to speak with you about it here and now.
After this relationship,
I had the opportunity to live on the other side of the spectrum,
in a relationship with a man who now I can see it was not right for me to be with.
He was one who I said yes to,
because I felt obligated to do so.
I said, yes so many times and experienced so much pain because of it.
During that time,
I was too afraid to leave the relationship
because of threats of suicide that would come up
when the conversation of a breakup arose.
Life has a funny way of mirroring our greatest lessons
that we both act out and receive.
The plant medicine revealed to me many truths
about both the divine talks of masculine and feminine.
where it comes from,
and how to heal it.
I learned how so many of us are raised in two worlds just like mine,
and how my story is not exclusive to me,
how so many people say yes to sex, intimacy, and relationships
even when they don't want to,
and often they feel like they don't have a choice,
even though many times they do.
I also learned how this human behavior rooted in fear,
will one day come to an end.
There is a pervading belief in the world throughout many cultures and ideologies
of a heavenly father and earthly mother.
These holy personifications are beautiful,
often symbolized by a relationship between the Sun and the Earth,
and where we are the children between the two.
However, these archetypes are incomplete,
for they lack the presence of the heavenly mother and the earthly father.
This incomplete belief system, which stems back for countless generations,
has created a deep, pervading belief within most of us,
that men have no place here on Earth,
and so they are compelled to brutally seize it for themselves.
It makes women feel as though they have no place in the eyes of God,
and so they are compelled to become the seductress,
using sexuality to manipulate their way through life.
While there are many aspects and roots of toxic masculine and toxic feminine energies,
this is one foundational space from which these energies arise.
We even find these mythologies being present in some of the largest religions today,
with the goddess Sophia, the feminine Christ being written out of Christianity,
leaving us with a one-sided face of deity.
We have Jesus, but we have lost his female counterpart,
and so little do we investigate how these divine gender roles
have affected our collective psyche.
The medicine showed me that all of the twisted chaos of the world,
the perspective of a gender binary over a gender spectrum
and the pain and suffering that has endured is there specifically
so that we may learn these lessons,
and through these lessons, evolve and descend into a higher expression of humanity,
more connected to the light within us than we've ever felt before.
Now, bringing this conversation to a close,
let us explore how we can heal the toxic masculine and the toxic feminine within us.
While I'll be addressing this to men and women in a more traditional sense,
I encourage you to observe this from a space of energy
and inner identification rather than a strict binary.
These lessons apply to all of us.
We all have masculine and feminine within us
that need to come together into union.
For men healing the toxic masculine,
We must not be afraid to open up
and share what's on our hearts with other men
in a sacred space of communication.
For too long, we have bottled up our emotions
and reserved ourselves to silence
because we have been inflicted with shame for having feelings
and not appearing as the image of manliness.
that pervades throughout society and the media.
For men healing the toxic feminine,
we must resist the seductress temptation by standing for a higher love.
We must realize that sex alone will never fill the void within us,
and that what we truly want is deep connection.
By identifying with yourself what you want,
you make the space to create it.
Remember, you can't hit a target you can't see.
For women healing the toxic masculine,
we must remember that the toxic masculine which pervades throughout society
is not a reflection of the divine masculine,
and that even if you have been hurt by men,
this does not mean that men are inherently evil.
We must be willing to be patient and gentle,
for many men are still boys inside
and you may elevate yourself and them
by connecting with them from your inner child.
For women healing the toxic feminine,
very simply,
the way to have all that you want in life is to be truthful, loving, and authentic.
Your soul will not be satisfied in life if you lie,
use seduction,
or other manipulative tactics to get what you want.
These were the lessons that were revealed to me on this particular journey
with the sacred plant medicine ayahuasca.
And while I know that there is always more for us to learn and embody,
may this wisdom guide us forward as we continue into the light.
If you are curious about ayahuasca and want to learn more,
please watch my recent film 𝐴𝑟𝑒 𝑀𝑖𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑙𝑒𝑠 𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑙?
and discover the mysteries of shamanic plant medicine.
And finally,
I stand for you if you've ever been abused,
and I stand with you if you stand for love.
Emma Watson: I am inviting you to step forward,
to be seen, and to ask yourself:
"If not me, who?"
"If not now, when?"