WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIRST OF ALL, OBVIOUSLY, HAPPY
TUESDAY, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TUESDAY CROWD.
TUESDAY CROWD.
>> Jon: TACO TUESDAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE SECOND DAVE SPRING?
TODAY IS THE SECOND DAY OF SPRING.
YOU KNOW WHO HAS A BAD CASE OF THE MONDAYS THIS TUESDAY?
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, PARANOIA HAS SEIZED THE TRUMP WHITE
HOUSE.
I'M SURPRISED.
I THOUGHT RUSSIA WAS GOING TO SEIZE IT.
TRUMP STAFFERS, EVIDENTLY, ARE SO PARANOID ABOUT THE MEDIA,
"THEY'RE STAYING MUM IN MEETINGS OUT OF CONCERN THAT THEIR
COMMENTS COULD BE LEAKED TO THE PRESS BY FOES."
I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
IT DIDN'T WORK, BECAUSE YOUR FOES HAVE LEAKED YOUR
MUM-STAYING.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESS.
NOT JUST THE PRESS THEY'RE PARANOID ABOUT.
WHITE HOUSE STAFF ARE ALSO AFRAID THAT "A 'DEEP STATE' OF
CAREER MILITARY AND INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS IS OUT TO DESTROY
THEM."
NOW, WHAT IS A DEEP STATE?
I THOUGHT IT WAS WHAT YOU ACHIEVED AFTER DOING THREE
BONG HITS AND WATCHING "PLANET EARTH." VERY DEEP, VERY DEEP.
THOSE LIZARDS ARE GOING TO GET CAUGHT BY THOSE SNAKES.
SNAKES ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
IN FACT, IT'S A PERMANENT NATIONAL SECURITY APPARATUS THAT
PULLING THE STRINGS BEHIND THE SCENES.
ONE WHITE HOUSE STAFFER IS SO FEARFUL ABOUT THE DEEP STATE
SPYING ON HIM THAT "ONCE HE GETS HOME IN THE EVENING, HE TURNS
OFF HIS WORK PHONE AND STORES IT IN A DRAWER BECAUSE HE BELIEVES
IT COULD BE USED TO LISTEN TO HIM, EVEN WHEN IT'S OFF."
YOU FOOL.
NOW THE C.I.A. WILL HAVE INTEL ON YOUR COLLECTION OF LOOSE
BATTERIES AND TAKEOUT MENUS.
AND WHEN HE NEEDS TO MAKE A CALL FROM HOME, THIS STAEFERS, "USES
A SEPARATE, PERSONAL PHONE IN AN ADJOINING ROOM, WHERE STOWED
WORK DEVICE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PICK UP HIS VOICE AS CLEARLY."
SMART.
BECAUSE EVEN IF THERE'S A VAST GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY OUT TO GET
YOU, THEY'D NEVER BUG TWO PHONES.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THEY AREN'T GOING TO
BUG TWO PHONES.
>> Stephen: A LOT OF PARANOIA FANS HERE TONIGHT.
I THINK THIS PARANOIA IS JUST THE FRUSTRATION EVERY NEW
ADMINISTRATION HAS WITH WASHINGTON, D.C.
IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME, YOU KNOW.
YOU WENT WASHINGTON.
YOU WENT TO WORK FOR TRUMP BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO TEAR DOWN
THE GOVERNMENT.
NOW YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
NOW YOU ARE THE GOVERNMENT.
IT'S LIKE A DOG WHO SPENT HIS WHOLE LIFE CHASING THE CAR.
NOW HE HAS TO DRIVE THE CAR.
WE'RE NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT, EITHER, BY THE WAY.
REMEMBER, WE'RE IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR BEING DRIVEN BY A DOG
NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS DOG KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE
STICK IN THIS METAPHOR.
DOES ANYONE HERE-- THIS IS A KIND OF PRIVATE AND PERSONAL
QUESTION.
MIND IF I ASK YOU ONE, A PERSONAL QUESTION?
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: DOZEN ANYONE HERE DABBLE IN THE MARIJUANA?
SHH!
DON'T TELL OUR ATTORNEY GENERAL AND FOREST GNOME WHOSE RIDDLES
ARE KIND OF RACIST, JEFF SESSIONS.
LAST WEEK, SESSIONS SPOKE OUT AGAINST THE TREND OF LEGALIZED
MARIJUANA, SAYING "I AM ASTONISHED TO HEAR PEOPLE
SUGGEST THAT WE CAN SOLVE OUR HEROIN CRISIS BY LEGALIZING
MARIJUANA, SO PEOPLE CAN TRADE ONE LIFE-WRECKING DEPENDENCY FOR
ANOTHER THAT'S ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS AWFUL."
SURE, MARIJUANA IS ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS AWFUL THAN HEROIN-- LIKE
HOW BURNING YOUR TONGUE ON HOT COCOA IS ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS
AWFUL THAN BEING SET ON FIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST A LITTLE-- JUST A LITTLE...
SESSIONS REALLY IS UPTIGHT.
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY TO MELLOW HIM OUT.
SOMETHING THAT'S LEGAL IN HALF OF AMERICA AT THIS POINT.
IF JEFF SESSIONS DECIDES TO PARTAKE IN THE STICKY-ICKY,
MIGHT I SUGGEST HE TAKE A TRIP TO THE GOODWILL?
BECAUSE, RECENTLY, A COOLER FULL OF MARIJUANA WAS DONATED TO A
GOODWILL LOCATION IN MONROE, WASHINGTON.
AND YOU WERE MAD WHEN YOUR MOM DONATED YOUR COMIC BOOK
COLLECTION.
"MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN MY COOLER?
I'M GOING... CAMPING.
AND I REALLY NEED MY COOLER!
BECAUSE, MOM, I OWE THE BEARS A LOT OF MONEY, MOM.
THEY REALLY WANT THEIR CAMPING EQUIPMENT."
APPARENTLY, EMPLOYEES AT THIS GOODWILL OPENED A COOLER THAT
HAD BEEN DONATED TO THRIFT STORE AND FOUND THAT IT CONTAINED 3.75
POUNDS OF POT, WITH AN ESTIMATED STREET VALUE OF $24,000.
OR, AS WILLIE NELSON CALLS IT, "RUNNING LOW."