The dude messaged me on Tinder and was like, “Hey, you look really cool.”
And I was like, “Hey, your fashion looks cool too.”
And he told me, “Oh, yeah, my fashion is actually based off Shadow the Hedgehog.”
“I can tell.
It’s cool.”
We set a date for the date.
And I keep getting texts from him like, “I just can’t get over how attractive you are.”
CP: OH NO.
NO NO NO.
LES: (laughing) CP: Did you get any red flags?
ALEXA: Yellow flags.
CP: Ok ok.
LES: (laughing) Yellow.
This isn’t break and walk out.
This is: Okay, I need to be cautious here.
So I show up to the date.
This dude opened with a hug.
O-okay.
So, he hugs me.
We start walking.
Instantly he starts talking about Sonic music.
“Oh yeah, I was listening to the Sonic Frontiers track.
Have you listened to it?
It’s awesome.”
I got the game before you.
But I was like, yeah, he’s just excited about the new game.
We’ll get to normal conversation soon.
We did not.
I made it clear from the start: I’m hungry.
I haven’t eaten dinner.
Let’s go get mall food first.
The dude’s like, “Oh!
We can stop by Hot Topic and Spencer’s.”
And I just do what I’m told.
So we’re walking more and we notice, hey, that store shut down.
That’s weird.
Oh, that store shut down.
All the stores all shut down.
So, okay.
Can I get some food?
I’m kinda hungry here.
There were two places open: a Chinese place and a pizza place.
So I turn to him and ask, “What would you prefer, Chinese or pizza?”
And he tells me, “Oh.
Uh.
I’m not hungry.
I kinda ate meatloaf before I came here because my mother made it and I didn’t want to upset
her.”
I’m like…
CP: OH.
OH!
ALEXA: We agreed on a dinner date!
What is wrong with you?!
LES: Yeah.
ALEXA: I’m eating the pizza and he just keeps talking about Sonic.
I’m like, okay, I guess I’m just gonna talk about Sonic the whole time.
I tried my damnedest to steer the topic away, even if it was just another weeb topic.
“Hey, have you heard of JoJo’s?”
And he’s like, “Oh yeah.
I like all the parts that you haven’t watched and your opinions on this are bad.”
I’m like, “What are you?”
CP: (laughing) What are you?
LES: WHAT ARE YOU ALEXA: I saw the clock and I said, “Oh,
I should get home by 9:00.”
I thought it was 8:30.
It was 7:30.
I meant to leave in ten, fifteen minutes.
I was now leaving an hour and half from now.
LES: Noooo.
NOOOOOOOOOOO.
ALEXA: The store is closing.
Security is locking doors actively.
And I’m like, “Hey, maybe we should get out of here.”
He’s like, “Oh, we can stay around for a bit.”
“OH-KAAAAY.”
Ten minutes before it closes and they kick us out, he’s like, “Okay!
We can go.
Let’s walk through all of the closed stores to the other end of the mall in complete silence,
and just walk there.”
Eventually we get to that end.
The doors are closed.
We have to walk back to the other end.
So we walk the entire way back, and he starts holding my hand.
ALEXA: NOOO!
LES: NO.
NO.
CP: (giggling) ALEXA: I told him from the beginning I would
initiate it if I wanted it.
He’s like, “Can I do it?”
and reached for my hand basically already almost touching it.
ALEXA: Great!
Great great great.
Uh—Can’t.
Duh.
Nneeemnugh!
So I hold his hand.
That’s actually fine.
He’s not sweaty or anything.
But I’m like: this is a step that he’s not gonna take lightly.
He’s going to…
He…
So we walk all the way back, finally get to our cars, and he’s like, “Well we have
another thirty minutes.
Let’s go to the thing!”
Because he wants to go to a Five Below.
That’s what he wanted to do.
We’re driving there and I see the exit to the mall, and I’m like…
I could just drive away.
I could just do it.
I can’t do it to him.
Clearly he’s just a guy who never gets to date really that often.
LES: And wants to be Sonic—Shadow the Hedgehog so bad.
ALEXA: He wanted a Rouge to his Shadow.
And again, during the pizza thing while everyone was closing down, that’s when he was saying,
“If we work out months from now.”
And I’m like, “Who’s talking months from now?!”
We get to the Five Below.
Instantly grabs my hand again.
Nnnngh.
‘Kay.
Great.
And he’s just, “Look at all these Sonic figures that are bad.
Let’s go through each and every individual one and point out every issue with it!”
ALEXA: I just wanted a dinner date!
(weeps) The woman compliments my hair and kinda winks
to him.
“Oh you scored a good one.”
And I’m like…
NOOOOOOO.
So we get to the car.
I said, “Would you want a hug to say goodbye?”
And he leans in.
“How about a little more?”
I need to go on camera to demonstrate what this man did.
He leaned in, and went: (CRINGE FACE) Like this.
But his lips were so massive that the teeth didn’t show.
It was just his lips going: LES: (dying)
CP: (roars) That’s what it looked like.
Stiff as a board.
Not moving.
I don’t want this.
And he comes in.
And then my lips just go into his mouth.
LES: NO.
NO YOU DIDN’T.
why.
WHY.
CP: Why did you go through with this?
After that he’s like, “We should do this again.
Would you want to this week?”
I don’t want to just say no, so I’m like, “Maybe.
I’ll let you know.”
And then I raced home.
♪ ♫ ♬ (lusty music plays) ♫ ♬ ♪