- Hello Mrs. Sonia, the burlap sack design is ready.
We just have to decide on the price.
- How much does it cost to make?
- One second, about three dollars.
- Three is a good number, make it 3000.
- But do you wanna continue our charitable efforts?
- Of course, for every dress we sell,
steal one from a person in need.
- But you do understand you're receiving
so much backlash for that right?
- (gags) Fine, make it two dresses,
and we'll only steal from children.
- Only steal from children.
- And trust me, I've had to go through
many hardships Just like you.
But if you work hard, you too can be rich just like me.
- Yeah, didn't your father give you
a 150 million dollar inheritance?
- Yes, but I had to work hard for my father's money.
For instance, I had to be a son and he was kind of a dick.
Well, not to me necessarily but to the gardener.
- J. K. Rowling, how do you respond
to people that call you a TERF
or a trans-exclusionary radical feminist
for your transphobic tweets?
- Okay so now I can't make a series of hurtful
or damaging statements toward a group that's
already experiencing disproportionately high rates
of violence and suicide without being canceled?
I mean, what is the world coming to?
- You could just apologize.
- Fine, alright, okay.
(sighs) I'm sorry, that I am so absolutely correct,
all the time.
I'm done with the
interview now - Okay.
- Avada Kedavra (beep) off thank you .
- Oh, expelliarmus (beep)
- Which is why I am demanding the Senate
pass universal healthcare.
And by demand, I mean I am asking,
and by asking, I mean I'm suggesting,
we think about it, but like not too seriously.
You know here's a thought let's keep healthcare private.
And raise the price of all medicines.
Especially those for children.
- Yap (beep) them kids.
- (beep) them kids. - (beep) 'em
- Follow me on Twitter for more incoherent nonsense.
(clapping)
Thank you guys, thank you.
Thank you Iowa.
- Hello everyone, I am Mark Zuckerberg.
I am the genius who created Facebook.
- Yeah, the same guy who let Russia
interfere with our election?
- Yeah. - The Same guy who allows
false information to spread like it's a disease?
- uh-huh.
- Oh yeah the same guy
who's mining our data and using it for nefarious purposes?
- Well, that's true.
- For the guy who created a social media app,
you're pretty bad friend.
- Well, actually I did create it as a social media app.
I originally intended it just to be a place
where I could rate the women at my school
based on their physical appearance.
- Ick.
(soft music)
- I think I'm gonna start an OnlyFans. (giggles)
- Don't you think it's kinda wrong
to invade a space occupied by sex workers.
Many of them women of color
and collecting money that might otherwise go to them
while you don't face any of the backlash
they have to endure?
- What?
- Nothing, what a fun idea.
- Thank you, I already got the set up account,
but I think I'm gonna take a fake nude or something.
And be like, hey, pay me 3,000 dollars
for a picture of my pinky toe.
- First I brought you the Tesla engine.
(upbeat music)
And then I brought you a truck that looks like
a child tried to melt a toy with a magnifying glass.
And now I bring you
a microchip that allows your brain to sync up
with a computer.
- (scoffs) Yeah, this sounds like
the government paid you to control us
and you're trying to trick us
into being your little robotic minions.
- Oh no, no, no, that's not what I'm trying to do.
It's what I've actually done.
In fact, I've already implanted all of your brains,
with this microchip.
Now who is excited?
Oh I'm sorry I forgot to press the thing.
Now who is excited?
(crowd cheering loudly)
- Oh my God. yes yes.
I'm gonna change my sons name to Xae25m%
- I'm so happy for you. (crowd cheering)
- (crowd chants) Brainwashed.
(Snoring)
- Money money money.
- Jeff Bezos, wake up.
- The ghost of Steve Jobs, what are you doing here?
- I am here to warn you
- Oh, I see what's going on.
That there are gonna be three ghosts,
that visit me tonight to teach me
the true meaning of Christmas?
- What, no, I'm here to warn you that when you die,
you're going to hell just like me,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
You're too far gone, sleep tight. (Laughs)
- Alexa, purchase a controlling stake in hell,
and then kill this ghost.
- Siri, call me my ghost Limousine right now.
- Alexa cancel all Limousines and purchase Tesla.
- I don't own Tesla.
(Door knocking)
- Hi, welcome to my home.
We just did a total renovation.
Where we removed all the floors,
and then I thought, I like floors.
So then we added them back in.
I love the walls
because it goes all the way up to the ceiling.
I collect very expensive ceramic pigs,
because they make me so happy and also so mad.
And over here, this chair is very uncomfortable,
and it's haunted, I love it.
I've never spent any time in this wing of the house,
because we just don't need the space.
But it's good to know that we have it.
Even though we'll never need it.
It just feels good
to have more than you can ever possibly need.
Over here is my dungeon.
Just kidding, you thought I was crazy.
(giggles) I'm not.
Maybe you could live there.
Just kidding, that'd be weird and lonely.
(beep)
(laughing)
(beep) - So gross also,
what's my ranking?
(laughing)
(group laughs) - Oh my God.