-Welcome, everybody. Welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for watching.
Thank you for being here.
Well, guys, President Biden had his annual physical exam,
and afterwards, his doctor described him as, "An active,
robust 81-year-old male who is in healthy physical condition."
[ Laughter ]
When asked about his mental state, the doctor said,
"The President is in healthy physical condition."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Actually, Biden's doctor assessed his motor skills,
reflexes, and mental status
while Trump was asked to pick which animal was the elephant.
He's like... [ Laughter ]
"That one. I knew it right away
'cause it's the one with two tails."
[ Laughter ]
"That tail is bigger than that tail."
Meanwhile, the doctor did know
that Biden suffers from sleep apnea and irregular heartbeat,
spinal arthritis, sensory neuropathy in his feet,
seasonal allergies, and acid reflux.
But other than that, all good.
All good. What's the problem?
[ Applause ]
Wow. This explains why Biden's pill caddy
is the size of a Yeti cooler.
It's like... [ Laughter ]
Sleep apnea.
It's like Biden's suffering from a lot of things,
but that wasn't the full list.
Check out this message from his doctor.
-After a full examination of the President,
there are no new concerns, though the president
still suffers from the following.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What the hell is liver funk?
[ Laughing ]
What? I've never heard of those things.
Oh, my goodness.
And get this -- I saw that the Biden campaign
just launched a new effort to win over women voters.
Yeah, they're not messing around.
Check out the latest Biden campaign poster.
Oh, yeah! That's what I'm talking about.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's what I'm talking about. Wow.
-Biden.
-Well, a lot of people are talking about this.
The Supreme Court has decided to hear Trump's case
about presidential immunity in late April,
which means his federal election trial will be delayed.
Some people are blaming the Supreme Court
for dragging it out on purpose to help Trump.
So, today, the justices responded.
First, Justice Elena Kagan said...
Then Justice Samuel Alito said...
Then Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson said...
Then Justice Neil Gorsuch said...
[ Cheers and applause ] So it's just --
You got mixed messages there. -Wow.
Well, Congress has struck a deal
to delay a government shutdown until March 8th,
which means, in one week, we'll have another looming shutdown.
It just keeps happening, and it's hard not to be bored
by this whole thing, to be honest,
which explains why C-SPAN released this new promo,
trying to make it seem more exciting. Watch this.
-What's up, America?!
On March 8th, the biggest rivalry in politics
is back for another historic showdown!
But this time, there are no holds barred!
The fight over debt is a fight to the death!
Two parties in the steel cage of negotiation,
and no one leaves until a fiscal budget is approved!
Schumer's lowered his glasses,
and he's ready to kick some asses!
But McConnell's prepped for a shutdown showdown staredown!
Jowl-chi wa-wa!
-Br-br-br-br-br!
-And who the [bleep] is this guy?!
He's dead meat in the grinder of financial responsibility!
It's the Shutdown Showdown Throwdown!
-Only on C-SPAN. -Whoo!
-Wow. [ Cheers and applause ]
Exciting.
[ Applause ]
-Well, switching gears, the FAA has given Boeing 90 days
to come up with a quality control plan.
Well, that'll show 'em. [ Laughter ]
You can let your planes fall apart for three more months,
but after that, you're in big trouble, mister.
[ Laughter ]
That should make passengers feel real comfortable
over the next 89 days. That's like...
[ Laughter ]
Well, some business news. IHOP and Lay's teamed up
to launch Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity Chips.
Check these out. Yeah, a little -- a little odd,
but that's that's not the only weird collaboration
Lay's has done recently.
They've also done Lay's and AutoZone's
Motor Oil and Vinegar chips. [ Laughter ]
Pretty good. Never had that.
Then they did Lay's and Your Random Coworkers
"Flamin' Hot Breath" chips.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, finally, they did Lay's and Uber's
Conversation and Cologne chips. There you go.
I'm looking forward to that one. [ Applause ]
Guys, listen to this.
I read that Merriam-Webster announced
that you can now end a sentence with a preposition.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
It is huge news, everyone, for.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Laughs ]
-Come on! -Come on!
"New York Times," if you don't print that,
then they're the ones you should be --
-I dare you. -Yes, exactly.
And, finally, you guys, today is the last day of February.
So -- [ Cheers and applause ]
So I thought it would be nice to give a little recap
of the entire month. All right, let's do this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Audience clapping ]
♪ February, you flew by ♪
♪ An extra day, that's 29 ♪
♪ But then you disappear from me ♪
♪ Like service from ♪
-AT&T.
-♪ Super Bowl, the Chiefs played great ♪
♪ Usher sang on roller skates ♪
♪ But I still don't have a clue ♪
♪ What the hell is ♪
-♪ Ooh, ooh, Temu ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, Temu ♪
-♪ Special counsel called Biden old ♪
♪ Like we don't already know ♪
♪ Made his campaign super scared ♪
♪ But Biden said ♪
-Oh, I don't care.
-♪ Trump in court a million times ♪
♪ Half a billion owed in fines ♪
♪ Cash or check to pay the sum ♪
♪ He'll say ♪
-None of the above.
-♪ "Bachelor" and Valentine's ♪
♪ Getting roses, drinking wine ♪
♪ One new couple struck by Cupid ♪
♪ Talking about ♪
-Tucker Carlson, Vladimir Putin.
-♪ Taco Bell's green gelato ♪
♪ In the dark, I think it glows ♪
♪ So eat a cup and you might glitch ♪
♪ Kind of like your name is ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ February bid adieu ♪
♪ March is here and Spring is, too ♪
♪ Time to focus on your brackets ♪
♪ Then get blackout on St. Patrick's ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
We have a great show!
Give it up for The Roots, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Oh, what a show!
Thank you, Roots.
What a show we have for you tonight.
She is a talented actress.
Oh, my gosh, I love her. One of our favorites.
She stars in the new movie "Damsel,"
which is on Netflix March 8th.
Millie Bobby Brown is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Plus, you can see him in the Netflix show
"Avatar: The Last Airbender."
Gordon Cormier is here tonight. [ Cheers and applause ]
"The Last Airbender." -Last.
-He's -- he's it.
And we have great music from our pal Schoolboy Q!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Schoolboy Q.
Guys, when I'm texting,
I love a good GIF. -Mm-hmm.
-But sometimes, one GIF can mean two different things,
and I'll show you what I mean.
It's time for "The GIF That Keeps on Giffing."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Say what?!
♪♪
-So let's take a look at this first one here.
Uh, that's a classic one. This one can mean...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Or it can mean...
It's like, "Yeah, I'm not going. Oh, it's optional? Bye!"
Let's take a look at this other one here.
Look at this one. I use this one all the time.
Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
So it can mean...
[ Laughter ]
Or it can mean...
[ Laughter ]
"Whoop!" "Hey, Larry!
Where you going, Larry?!" -"Waah!"
-"Uh, nothing."
Check out this one here.
Oh, yeah. I love this one. Yeah. -Oh, yeah.
This GIF can mean...
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Or it can mean...
[ Cheers and applause ]
"I win!"
Here's another one. Here, look at this.
Oh, that's -- This is action-packed.
-Ooh. -Yeah, this one can mean...
[ Laughter ]
Or it can mean...
"Oh, yeah! Let's see what this --
See what this sucker can do!"
[ Applause ]
Check this one out. This one --
This one can mean...
[ Laughter ]
Or it can mean...
It's like...
"I guess I can -- I guess I can cut it in pieces.
I don't know what to do!"
[ Laughter ]
"Forget it! I'm quitting!"
[ Laughter ] "No one eats."
[ Laughter ]
"There's no way! I can't!
Oh, yeah, I can just cut it in half.
All right. There you go." [ Laughter ]
Let's take a look at one more here.
This one's a favorite of mine. I mean, this is like...
[ Audience "Awws" ] This one can mean...
[ Laughter ]
Or it can mean...
[ Laughter and applause ]
That is all the time we have for "The GIF That Keeps on Giffing."
Stick around. When we come back, we're playing Egg Roulette
with Millie Bobby Brown!