WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M JUST AS EXCITED AS YOU ARE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE ARE LIVE RIGHT NOW FROMOM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, WE'RE LIVE.
RIGHT AFTER DONALD TRUMP'S ADDRESS TO CONGRESS.LL
NOW, TECHNICALLY, THIS WAS NOT A "STATE OF THE UNION" BECAUSE I
THINK IN THIS TIMELINE, THE CONFEDERACY WON.
( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT?
I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE BEFORE BUT I THINK THAT'S HOW
THIS ONE ENDS.
I'M NOT SURE.
WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTHOLES AS
QUICKLY AS WE CAN.
THERE WAS A LOT OF ANTICIPATION TONIGHT.
IT WAS A HUGE EVENING. AND BEFORE IT EVEN BEGAN, CNN TROLLED THE NATION WITH THE
CAPTION, "TRUMP LEAVES WHITE HOUSE SOON."
DON'T TEASE!
NOT COOL, CNN.
NOT COOL.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
WHAT'S NEXT, COVERING THEE PRESIDENT DESCENDING A STAIRCASE
WITH THE CAPTION "TRUMP STEPS DOWN"?
AS HE WAS LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE, CAMERAS CAUGHT PRESIDENT
TRUMP APPARENTLY REHEARSING HIS LINES IN THE BACK OF THE LIMO.
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, CNN'S POWERFUL MICROPHONES PICKED UP WHAT HE
WAS SAYING.
"UH, I'LL HAVE THE CLAMS CASINO, AND I'LL HAVE A SIDE OF STEAK.
AND THE LADY WILL HAVE A COKE, NO ICE.
AND I'LL HAVE HER STEAK, PLEASE.
OF."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HUNGRY.
CNN'S POWERFUL MICROPHONES.
, OF COURSE, IT'S A REALLY BIG NIGHT, AND SOME IN CONGRESS
DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION.
THE FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS WORE WHITE IN
HONOR OF WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE, WHILE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
VERY NICE.
THEY WORE WHITE.
WHILE THE REPUBLICANS WERE WHITE IN HONOR OF WHO ELECTED THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU GOTTA GIVE BACK.
YOU GOTTA GIVE BACK.
>> Jon: ALL THE WHITE NOTES!
>> Stephen: YOU GOTTA DANCE WITH THE GIRL THAT BRUNG YOU.EL
THEN AT LONG LAST, THE BIG MOMENT CAME.
>> THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ANY CHANCE THERE'S A
MISTAKE AND "MOONLIGHT" IS THE PRESIDENT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IS
I GUESS NOT.
I GUESS NOT, NO.
>> Jon: SHUCKS.
>> Stephen: AND THERE HE WAS, AT LONG LAST, THE MOMENT WE WERE
WAITING FOR.
HE WAS THERE IN THE CHAMBER BEING PRESIDENT AND ALL.
TRUMP ENTERED THE ROOM AND DID THE TRADITIONAL HANDSHAKES WITHN
EVERYBODY, SO MANY HANDSHAKES, SUCH LITTLE HANDS.
LAUGH WHEN HE TOOK TO THE PODIUM TO DELIVER THE SPEECH, AS USUAL,
BEHIND THE PRESIDENT, WERE THE VICE PRESIDENT, MIKE PENCE
AND SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE PAUL RYAN, WHO SHOWED THEIR
COMMITMENT TO FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY, BY PURCHASING A
BUY-ONE-GET-TWO-FREE SUIT-AND-TIE COMBO.
RIGHT THERE MEN WEARING A BLUE SUIT WITH A BLUE TIE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) GOIT THE MEMO.
I GOT THE MEMO.
NOW, THE THEME OF THE SPEECH WAS "RENEWAL OF THE AMERICAN
SPIRIT" WHICH REALLY JUST SOUNDS LIKE A
CHINESE BOOTLEG OF "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN"?
TO BEGIN THE EVENING, TRUMP SPOKE IN UPLIFTING TERMS.
>> EACH AMERICAN GENERATION PASSES THE TORCH OF TRUTH,
LIBERTY AND JUSTICE, IN AN UNBROKEN CHAIN ALL THE WAY DOWN
TO THE PRESENT.
>> Stephen: THEN HE EXTINGUISHED THAT TORCH WITH A COCONUT AND
ASKED THE DEMOCRATS TO LEAVE THE ISLAND.
YOU HAVE BEEN VOTED OFF.
COKE NUTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN THE PRESIDENT OUTLINED HIS
PLANS TO ROLL BACK GOVERNMENT WASTE.
>> WE HAVE BEGUN TO DRAIN THE SWAMP OF GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION
BY IMPOSING A FIVE-YEAR BAN ON LOBBYING BY EXECUTIVE BRANCH
OFFICIALS.
AND A LIFETIME BAN ON BECOMING LOBBYISTS FOR A FOREIGN GOVERNMENT.
>> Stephen: ADDING, "OBVIOUSLY, PRESENT COMPANY EXCEPTED." I GOT YOUR BARK VLAD.
AND HE'S ALREADY WORKING TO PUT HIS SMALL GOVERNMENT PLAN IN PLACE.
>> WE HAVE UNDERTAKEN A HISTORIC EFFORT TO MASSIVELY REDUCE
JOB-CRUSHING REGULATIONS CREATING A DEREGULATION TASK
FORCE INSIDE OF EVER GOVERNMENT AGENCY.
>> A TASK FORCE.
WE ARE GOING TO REDUCE GOVERNMENT BY ADDING PEOPLE TO
THE GOVERNMENT.
IT'S LIKE HOW THE KEY TO NOT GETTING HUNG OVER IS JUST TO
NEVER STOP DRINKING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MIGHT FIND OUT TONIGHT.
OF COURSE, TRUMP IMMEDIATELY BOASTED ABOUT HIS EXECUTIVE
ORDERS.
>> WE HAVE PLACE AID HIRING FREEZE ON NONMILITARY AND
NONSTCIAL FEDERAL WORKERS.
>> Stephen: NONESSENTIAL FEDERAL WORKERS PURPOSE SO
KELLYANNE CONWAY IS OUT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'LL BE MISSED. O
AND TRUMP KEPT ON WITH THE BOASTING.
>> WE HAVE WITHDRAWN THE UNITED STATES FROM THE JOB-KILLING
TRANS-PACIFIC PARTNERSHIP.
>> Stephen: YES, THE TRANS-PACIFIC PARTNERSHIP IS
JUST ONE OF THE TRANS THENG ADMINISTRATION IS WITHDRAWING
SUPPORT FROM.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: DEDICATED TO THAT.
NOW, THE PRESIDENT ALSO LAID OUT HIS VISION ON IMMIGRATION.
>> BAD ONES ARE GOING OUT AS I SPEAK, AND AS I'VE PROMISED.
>> Stephen: BAD ONES OUT, GOOD ONES IN.
THIS NUANCED POLICY COMES FROM TRUMP'S IMMIGRATION DIRECTOR
SECRETARY INCREDIBLE HULK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BAD-SMASH.
WHY DOES THE HULK TALK LIKE TRUMP?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WILL ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP LET US KNOW JUST WHAT STANDARD HE WANTS IMMIGRANTS TO
MEET.
>> IT'S A BASIC PRINCIPLE THAT THOSE SEEKING TO ENTER A COUNTRY
OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THEMSELVES FINANCIALLY.
>> Stephen: JUST LIKE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY SAYS, GIVE US
YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR, BUT NOT SO POOR THEY CAN'T AFFORD A
TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT LIKE A MITSUBISHI."
THAT'S THE STANDARD.
THE HUDDLED MASSES.
YOU KNOW.
GOOD ENOUGH.
GOOD ENOUGH AND AFTER THAT-- AND THIS WAS IMPORTANT-- PRESIDENT
TRUMP SOUNDED A GRAVE WARNING ON TERRORISM.
>> WE HAVE SEEN THE ATTACKS IN FRANCE, IN BEGIUM, IN GERMANY
AND ALL OVER THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: AND JUST BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE ATTACKS IN
SWEDEN DOESN'T MEAN THEY DID NOT HAPPEN.
ALL RIGHT?
INVISIBLE TERRORISTS ARE EVERYWHERE! W
THEY'RE INVISIBLE!
THEY'VE GOT THE RING.
THEN TRUMP TURNED TOWARD THE FUTURE.
>> TONIGHT, AS I OUTLINE THE NEXT STEPS WE MUST TAKE AS A
COUNTRY, WE MUST HONESTLY ACKNOWLEDGE THE CIRCUMSTANCES WE
INHERITED.
>> Stephen: HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE INHERITED.
YOU INHERITED, LIKE, $100 MILLION.
LET'S BE HONEST.
AS LONG AS WE'RE BEING HONEST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BALLPARK.
AND HE HAD SOME THOUGHTS ON WHAT WE NEED TO DO NEXT.
>> BUT TO ACCOMPLISH OUR GOALS AT HOME AND ABROAD, WE MUST
RESTART THE ENGINE OF THE AMERICAN ECONOMY.
>> Stephen: AND IN THE SPIRIT OF BIPARTISANSHIP, TRUMP THEN
ALLOWED NANCY PELOSI TO RESTART THAT ENGINE.
>> NO!
NO!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) T
SHE'S OKAY.
I'M SURE SHE'S FINE.
TRUMP TALKED SERIOUSLY ABOUT THE MONEY WE HAVE WASTED IN THE
MIDDLE EAST AND HOW IT COULD BE PUT TO MUCH BETTER USE, THANKS
TO HIS BUSINESS SKILLS.
>> WITH THE $6 TRILLION, WE COULD HAVE REBUILT OUR COUNTRY
TWICE, AND MAYBE EVEN THREE TIMES, IF WE HAD PEOPLE WHO HADS
THE ABILITY TO NEGOTIATE.
>> Stephen: MAYBE EVEN REBUILD IT 10 TIMES, IF WE HAD PEOPLE
WHO REFUSED TO PAY THEIR CONTRACTORS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GET NOTHING AND YOU LIKE IT.
NO.
NOTHING.
THEN, OF COURSE, AS HE NEEDED TO, HE LAID OUT HIS ECONOMIC
PLAN.
>> THIS EFFORT WILL BE GUIDED BY TWO CORE PRINCIPLES: BUY
AMERICAN AND HIRE AMERICAN.EN >> Stephen: UNLESS YOU'RE
MAKING TRUMPITIZE, THEN THE CHINESE DO AN AMAZING JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REALLY INCREDIBLE.
.
SUCH, SUCH GOOD-- WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS THIS?
WE'RE GOOD, WE'RE GOOD.
FINALLY, TRUMP GOT TO THE LONG-AWAITED MOMENT.
>> TONIGHT I AM ALSO CALLING ON THIS CONGRESS TO REPEAL AND
REPLACE OBAMACA OBAMACARE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I GOTTA SAY THAT
MUST HAVE BEEN HARD ON TRUMP.
PEOPLE GOT SO EXCITED JUST HEARING OBAMA'S NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NICE OF HIM TO INCLUDE.
NICE OF HIM TO GIVE A SHOUT-OUT.
IT WAS A NICE SHOUT-OUT.
AND AS THE EVENING DREW TO A CLOSE, DONALD TRUMP PROVIDED AN
OPTIMISTIC VISION.
>> EVERYTHING THAT IS BROKEN IN OUR COUNTRY CAN BE FIXED.
EVERY PROBLEM CAN BE SOLVED.
>> Stephen: WELL, THERE'S ONE PROBLEM WE CAN'T SOLVE FOR FOUR
YEARS, BUT OTHER THAN THAT... I AGREE WITH YOU.
I AGREE WITH YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THIS SURPRISED ME.
THIS NEXT THING-- I DID NOT EXPECT AT ALL.
TRUMP CAME OUT AS PRO CHOICE WHEN IT COMES TO SCHOOLS.
>> THESE FAMILIES SHOULD BE FREE TO CHOOSE THE PUBLIC, PRIVATE,
CHARTER, MAGNET, RELIGIOUS, OR HOME SCHOOL THAT IS RIGHT FOR
THEM.
>> Stephen: WAIT?
>>.
YOU CAN CHOOSE A DIFFERENT HOME SCHOOL?
( LAUGHTER ) THEN I CHOOSE YOUR HOME.
IT SEEMS REALLY NICE.
I'LL BRING THE KIDS OVER?
WHO TEACHES THEM?
ERIC TEACHES THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: SOMEONE'S GOT TO TEACH THEM.
>> Jon: TEACH THE CHILDREN.
THEATRE FUTURE.
>> Stephen: THEN DONALD TRUMP BROUGHT THE THEME OF THE EVENING
BACK TO LAW AND ORDER.
>> AND WE MUST SUPPORT THE VICTIMS OF CRIME.
>> Stephen: UNLESS THEY ARE PLAINTIFFS AGAINST ME.
THOSE WOMEN ARE LYING.
, OF COURSE, HIS GOAL IS TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
AND FOR EVERYBODY WONDERING, THE TIME TRUMP THINKS AMERICA WAS
GREAT, WELL, HE GAVE HIS ANSWER-- THE 1886 WORLD'S FAIR.
>> ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL DISPLAYED HIS TELEPHONE FOR THE
FIRST TIME.
REMINGTON UNVEILED THE FIRST TYPEWRITER.
AN EARLY ATTEMPT WAS MADE AT ELECTRIC LIGHT.
THOMAS EDISON SHOWED AN AUTOMATIC TELEGRAPH AND AN
ELECTRIC PEN.
IMAGINE THE WONDERS OUR COUNTRY COULD KNOW IN AMERICA'S
250th YEAR.
>> Stephen: WHO KNOWS?N MAYBE A CORDLESS PEN?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) W
WHO KNOWS?
ANYTHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CORLDLESS?
>> Jon: I DON'T DO THE ONE WITH THE CORD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BEING FAIR.
WHEN TRUMP SAYS "ELECTRIC PEN" HE MEANS WHERE HE PLANS TO KEEP
THE IMMIGRANTS.
IT'S POSSIBLE.
IF HE CAN DREAM IT, IT'S POSSIBLE.
AND TRUMP LAID OUT A VISION FOR HOW WE SHOULD ALL MOVE FORWARD.
>> THE TIME FOR TRIVIAL FIGHTS IS BEHIND US.
>> Stephen: ADDING, JUST ONE MORE THING-- SUCK IT,
NORDSTROM'S.
SO AS WE COME TO THE END OF TONIGHT'S ADDRESS TO CONGRESS, I
THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE ON ONE THING-- ONE DOWN, SEVEN TO GO.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LISA KUDROW IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL TALK ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS' RESPONSE.