WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" EVERYBODY, DOWN THERE, UP HERE,
AROUND THE WORLD I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS A CHILLING--
IT IS A CHILLING DAY IN AMERICAN HISTORY AND SHE NOT JUST BECAUSE
I KEEP THIS THEATER AT 52 DEGREES.
FOR THE FIRST TIME, A PRESIDENT HAS USED THE POWER OF HIS OFFICE
TODAY TO PUNISH MEMBERS OF THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY WHO
HAVE CRITICIZED HIM-- SPECIFICALLY, FORMER C.I.A.
DIRECTOR AND FATHER-IN-LAW WATCHING YOU TRY TO USE JUMPER
CABLES, JOHN BRENNAN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW PRESIDENTIAL SPOKESPERSON
SARAH HUCKA-SANDS, READ THE PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT TODAY
ABOUT BRETT AN FROM THE OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE LYING PERCH.
>> "AS THE HEAD OF THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND COMMANDER IN CHIEF,
I HAVE THE UNIQUE CONSTITUTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT
THE NATION'S CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, INCLUDING BY
CONTROLLING ACCESS TO IT.
TODAY, IN FULFILLING THAT RESPONSIBILITY, I HAVE DECIDED
TO REVOKE THE SECURITY CLEARANCE OF JOHN BRENNAN, FORMER
DIRECTOR OF THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY."
>> Stephen: THIS MEANS BRENNAN CAN'T READ CLASSIFIED
INTELLIGENCE.
SO NOW THE ONLY PLACE HE'LL READ THREATS AGAINST AMERICA IS
ON TRUMP'S TWITTER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, AND THE OFFICIAL REASON
TRUMP GAVE FOR REVOKING BRENNAN'S CLEARANCE?
BRENNAN "LEVERAGED HIS STATUS TO MAKE A SERIES OF UNFOUNDED AND
OUTRAGEOUS ALLEGATIONS, INCLUDING WILD OUTBURSTS ON THE
INTERNET."
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YES, YES.
I'D SAY THAT'S THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, BUT THERE MAY
BE TAPES OF IT CALLING THE KETTLE SOMETHING MUCH WORSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A FINE-- THAT'S A FINE FAMILY JOKE.
FINE, FINE.
BUT HERE'S THE THING: THEY'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT DOING THIS
THING FOR A MONTH.
DOING IT TODAY IS JUST AN OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT OUR
ATTENTION FROM AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, OMAROSA.
( LAUGHTER ) OMAROSA SAYS SHE'S HEARD A TAPE
OF TRUMP SAYING THE "N" WORD.
HE DENIES SAYING IT, BUT IT HAS STILL SPAWNED A NATIONAL
DEBATE: EXACTLY HOW BIG OF A RACIST IS THE PRESIDENT?
I MEAN, ON A SCALE OF "DRUNK UNCLE AT THANKSGIVING" TO "DRUNK
UNCLE AT A TRUMP RALLY."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, AT YESTERDAY'S PRESS
CONFERENCE, SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS, INSISTED THE PRESIDENT
IS NOT A RACIST, AND SHE HAD PROOF.
>> I THINK IF, AGAIN, THE PERSON >> I THINK IF, AGAIN, THE PERSON
THAT A LOT OF HIS CRITICS SAY HE IS, UH, CERTAINLY WOULDN'T HAVE
BEEN IN BUSINESS WITH HIM FOR DECADES.
CERTAINLY HE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON.
THEY ATTENDED HIS WEDDING.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE CAN'T BE A RACIST.
SOME OF HIS BEST FRIENDS ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BLACK FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT DON'T JUST TAKE HUCKA-SANDS'
WORD THAT TRUMP ISN'T A RACIST.
TAKE IT FROM TRUMPS'S BIGGEST DEFENDER:
>> I AM THE LEAST RACIST PERSON THAT YOU HAVE EVER MET.
I'M PROBABLY THE LEAST RACIST PERSON THERE IS.
I AM THE LEAST RACIST PERSON YOU HAVE EVER INTERVIEWED.
I AM THE LEAST RACIST PERSON.
RACISM.
THE LEAST RACIST PERSON.
>> Stephen: AND YOU CAN TELL SOMEBODY'S NOT SOMETHING WHEN
WHEN THEY PROTEST EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT.
"HEY, WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I'M HANNIBAL.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY, I DON'T EAT PEOPLE.
IN FACT, I AM THE LEAST EATING PEOPLE-EATING PERSON EVER.
I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
( APPLAUSE ) I PROMISE YOU.
I CAN'T.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I'M ALLERGIC, OR SOMETHING.
ANYWAY, COME BY THE BARBECUE LATER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BRING ANYTHING BUT A MARINADE AND AN OPEN
MIND."
NOW, THE PRESIDENT'S DEFENDERS CLAIM NO ONE WAS ACCUSING TRUMP
OF RACISM BEFORE HE WAS ELECTED, MAYBE BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T SEE
THIS INTERVIEW WITH BRYANT GUMBEL IN 1989:
>> A WELL-EDUCATED BLACK HAS A TREMENDOUS ADVANTAGE OVER A
WELL-EDUCATED WHITE IN TERMS OF THE JOB MARKET.
I'VE SAID ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION, EVEN ABOUT MYSELF, IF
I WERE STARTING OFF TODAY, I WOULD LOVE TO BE A WELL-EDUCATED
BLACK, BECAUSE I REALLY BELIEVE THEY DO HAVE AN ACTUAL ADVANTAGE
TODAY.
>> Stephen: YES, I WOULD LOVE IF YOU WERE A WELL-EDUCATED BLACK
MAN, TOO-- SPECIFICALLY, THIS ONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I LIKE THAT GUY!
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT GUY.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT GUY!
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT GUY.
I REMEMBER-- WOW.
WOW.
THEY REMEMBER HIM, TOO.
>> Jon: I REMEMBER HIM.
I LIKE THAT GUY.
>> Stephen: YOU REMEMBER THAT GUY?
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER THAT GUY.
I REMEMBER THAT DUDE.
YOU KNOW WHO'S NOT DEFENDING THE PRESIDENT?
MAGICIAN AND PROFESSOR ASKING THE CLASS TO COME SEE HIS
JETHRO TULL TRIBUTE BAND, PENN JILLETTE.
PENN CLAIMS TRUMP SAID RACIALLY INSENSITIVE COMMENTS DURING
"CELEBRITY APPRENTICE."
WHEN ASKED IF THE RUMORED TAPES ARE REALLY OUT THERE, JILLETTE
SAID, "YEAH, I WAS IN THE ROOM."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN, JUST LIKE THAT, HE
WASN'T!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- BUT-- THANK YOU.
BUT PENN IS HOLDING BACK THE JUICY DETAILS SAYING, "IF DONALD
TRUMP HAD NOT BECOME PRESIDENT, I WOULD TELL YOU ALL THE
STORIES.
BUT THE STAKES ARE NOW HIGH, AND I AM AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR, SO
I CAN EMOTIONALLY TELL YOU THINGS THAT HAPPENED RACIALLY,
SEXUALLY, WHEN I WAS IN THE ROOM WITH DONALD TRUMP, AND I
GUARANTEE YOU THAT I WILL GET DETAILS WRONG."
( LAUGHTER ) HOW COULD YOU GET THE DETAILS
WRONG?
THERE'S ONLY ONE DETAIL WE'RE WAITING FOR.
"YEAH, I REMEMBER HE SAID AN "N" WORD, BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH
ONE.
WAS IT NOODLE?
WAS WHICH NACHOS.
NEBUCHADNEZZAR!
NO."
BUT IF PENN JILLETTE WON'T REVEAL TRUMP'S EXACT WORDS,
PERHAPS I CAN HELP.
A LITTLE MAGIC MUSIC, PLEASE, JON.
ORDINARY DECK OF CARDS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
PENN, I WANT YOU TO THINK BACK ON THAT NIGHT, OKAY.
AS I SAID, ORDINARY, ORDINARY DECK OF CARDS RIGHT HERE, ALL
RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
REMEMBER, OKAY.
PICTURE THE WORD THAT DONALD TRUMP SAID.
I WANT YOU TO PICTURE-- I WANT YOU TO PICTURE-- I WANT YOU TO
PICTURE WHAT THAT CARD WAS.
DO YOU HAVE IT FIRMLY IN YOUR MIND.
PICTURE-- PICTURE THE WORD HE SAID.
DO YOU HAVE THE WORD IN MIND?
IS THIS YOUR WORD?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS ) ( LAUGHTER )
I CAN'T SEE MY-- I CAN'T SEE THE JOKES IF I'VE GOT THIS UP HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
OF COURSE, TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY HIGH-RANKING ADMINISTRATION
OFFICIAL THAT OMAROSA ACCUSES OF BIAS.
IN HER BOOK, SHE ALSO GOES AFTER EDUCATION SECRETARY AND
SPOKESPERSON FOR "DAYTIME WINE," >> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: BETSY DEVOS.
OMAROSA GIVES DAMNING BEHIND-THE-SCENES DETAILS OF THE
DAY DEVOS GAVE A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH AT A HISTORICALLY BLACK
UNIVERSITY AND WAS BOOED MORSELESSLY, BY THE STUDENTS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT FOOTAGE.
>> DR JACKSON, BOARD OF TRUSTEES, THANK YOU SO VERY,
VERY MUCH FOR THIS GREAT HONOR AND PRIVILEGE.
I AM HONORED TO BECOME A WILDCAT.
>> Stephen: OUCH.
SHE GOT AN EVEN--
YEAH.
OH!
COLD.
SHE GOT AN EVEN WORSE RECEPTION THAN WHEN STEPHEN MILLER
PERFORMED AT THE LATIN GRAMMYS.
( LAUGHTER ) HE WAS PRETTY GOOD, THOUGH, HE
WAS PRETTY GOOD.
ACCORDING TO OMAROSA'S BOOK, DEVOS TRIED TO DOWNPLAY THE
BOOING, SAYING THE AFRICAN AMERICAN STUDENTS, "DON'T GET
IT.
THEY DON'T HAVE THE CAPACITY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO
ACCOMPLISH."
YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S USUALLY WHY PEOPLE BOO, BECAUSE THEY DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING.
LIKE WHEN THE YANKEES BEAT THE RED SOX, EVERYONE AT FENWAY PARK
IS JUST GOING, "I'M CONFUUUSED!
WHAT ARE THE RUUUULES OF BASEBALL!"