Donald Trump,
president of the United States
and the main reason McDonald's signs say
"Billions and billions served."
There was some big crazy Trump news today.
And I know we say that every day, but this time it's true.
I mean, it's true every day, but this time it's also true.
And it starts with the president and his administration
making a shocking legal maneuver.
NEWSWOMAN: This morning, an unprecedented move
by the Justice Department, stepping in to replace
President Trump's private legal team to represent him
in a high-profile defamation lawsuit.
It means American taxpayers would foot the bill
for the government defending the president
in the suit by author E. Jean Carroll,
who says the president raped her more than two decades ago
in a dressing room at New York's Bergdorf Goodman's.
The latest move protects the president
from any potentially embarrassing disclosures.
Justice Department lawyers argue
that because the president was "acting within the scope
of his office" at the time of his denial,
he could be defended by government attorneys.
Wow, wow, wee, wow.
The Justice Department is now defending Trump
in a defamation suit against one of his rape accusers,
which means taxpayer dollars are paying for this.
You know that's gonna make a lot of people mad.
"Our taxes shouldn't be going to this!
"They should be used to fund schools,
"to build roads,
and to drone weddings in Afghanistan."
Oh, and in case you're wondering,
yes, this is unprecedented for a president.
But I can't say I'm surprised at this point.
Because Trump has basically turned the government
into his own personal concierge service.
Like, all the Department of Transportation does anymore
is order Ubers for Trump.
Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the border wall
turns out to be one side of Trump's new country house.
"Okay, now we need another wall and another one.
"Now, let's throw in a roof and a pool,
and we'll finally be safe from Mexico."
Now, the Justice Department's justification
for defending Trump in this case
is that, when he said he didn't rape her
because "she wasn't his type,"
he did that as part of his official duties as president.
And I know that sounds wild,
but remember what it says
in Article Two of the Constitution...
The president shall execute the laws,
command the military,
and vehemently deny
boning anyone who is less than a ten.
But, hey, conservatives wanted someone to run the country
like a business, and what's more corporate
than a CEO using company resources
to shut down sexual abuse accusations?
You did it, guys.
So, once again, we have big crazy news
that in normal times would be all anyone talked about
for a month. But because it's Trump,
it's not even the only scandal
that we have to talk about today.
Now, you might remember,
back in February and March,
Donald Trump was very confidently saying
that the coronavirus was not a big deal
and it was basically just like the flu.
But since then, we've all learned that that was bullshit.
Well, today, it's come out
that Trump privately knew that it was bullshit.
Stunning breaking news.
President Trump, in his own words,
making clear he knew about the dire threat
of the coronavirus very early on,
at a time he repeatedly told the American people they were safe.
He deliberately withheld information
from the American people,
repeatedly concealed details
about the gravity of this threat,
because, in his words,
he didn't want to create a panic.
You didn't want to create a panic?
So what did you want,
for people to very calmly be dying in the streets?
(coughing)
What's wrong, buddy?
I'm dying.
But it's chill.
And, also, since when is Donald J. Trump
concerned about creating a panic?
That is literally his favorite thing.
Cities are burning, suburbs are collapsing,
caravans of antifa Mexicans are committing Muslim voter fraud.
His campaign slogan is basically "Look out behind you!"
But, yes, thanks to audiotapes of interviews Trump did
with Bob Woodward back in February and March,
we now know that he was fully aware
of how the virus was transmitted
and how deadly it could be.
And yet, in public,
he told everyone there was no reason to be afraid.
And, look, I get that, as a leader,
you don't want people to panic.
But you also want to inform the people so they can be safe.
You know, if a plane is crashing,
a pilot will tell you to remain calm
but they'll also tell you to fasten your seatbelt
and brace for impact.
If Trump was a pilot, he'd be like,
"Attention, all passengers.
"Everything's fine.
"Seatbelts are for snowflakes.
And if you want to stretch your legs,
"now's the perfect time.
Bye-bye."
And this is really confusing.
Because, at first, I thought Trump was too stupid
to understand what was going on with the virus.
But it turns out
that he was actually smart about it in private.
But he's also stupid enough
to tell Bob Woodward on tape.
Huh.
Now I don't know what to think.
And Trump aside,
am I the only one who thinks it's crazy
that people keep releasing books
where they reveal that they've known
the most incriminating things about Trump
but they only tell us about it now?
I mean, imagine if Paul Revere had this attitude.
"Are the British coming?
Find out by preordering my book on Amazon."
So, Trump purposefully obscuring the threat of COVID-19
was the major revelation that took over the news today.
But, remember,
Bob Woodward interviewed Trump 18 times for this book.
And he recorded Trump, on tape,
talking about plenty of other subjects, too,
like racism.
And, believe it or not,
it turns out that, in private,
Trump is a lot more aware of racism
than he acts like in real life.
TRUMP: I get it.
Whoa.
Somebody finally got around to watching Get Out.
It really is interesting how private Trump
seems to know a lot more than public Trump.
I mean, this whole time,
I thought there were gonna be secret tapes
of Trump saying the N-word.
Instead, we got secret tapes
of him being an epidemiologist
with a PhD in critical race theory.
And you might be thinking, "Oh, but this is good news, Trevor.
It means that Trump isn't as dumb as we thought."
No, this is terrible news because you know what it shows?
It shows you that Donald Trump
is willfully misleading the public.
It reminds you that he's a con man.
He lies about coronavirus
to protect his economy and his reelection.
And he ignores systemic racism because he knows it exists,
but he does it to protect his image with his base.
And then, when all the bad stories pile up,
what does he do?
He tries to drown them out with some crazy news announcement,
like him saying that he's gonna appoint
Ted Cruz to the Supreme Court, which, to be honest,
just sounds like a threat to the Supreme Court.
So once again, we're reminded today
that Donald Trump doesn't care about America.
He cares about himself, he cares about his money,
and he cares about two fifths of his family,
and that's it.