(mellow music)
- [Narrator] Mr. Drummond warns it's about to get
very real in this bitch.
Buckle up.
The fam's returning bikes after a ride.
Mr. Horton comes out juggling.
He used to juggle knives in the circus.
Not a troubling backstory at all.
He says instead of renting, Mr. Drummond should buy a bike.
Sounds good to Arnold.
Mr. Drummond doesn't like the idea
of Arnold riding around town.
There are a lot of creepy weirdos.
Arnold says a bike now is a great investment,
he's going to be this size forever.
Mr. Horton shows Arnold a fresh red bike.
He loves it.
He can a wear a red helmet with red pants
and pronounce Cs like Bs so people know where he bomes from.
Mr. Drummond says it'll make a fine birthday gift.
Mr. Horton tells Arnold if passes out these flyers
he'll give him a nifty radio.
- [Mr. Horton] You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours?
- [Arnold] You keep comin' up with these presents,
you can scratch me all over!
(laughing)
- [Narrator] He might just take you up on that, Arnold.
Arnold is unsuccessfully distributing
these opposite of treasure maps.
Dudley shows him how a real salesman does it
then wants in on the offer to hand out
a pedophile's leaflets for a free radio.
Arnold announces he gave out all the flyers.
- [Mr. Horton] That is great Arnold.
You're sure some terrific passer-outer.
- [Arnold] I have a way with words
when I put my mouth to it.
- [Narrator] Uh, maybe don't advertise what that mouth do.
Mr. Horton says this calls for a celebration.
How about a banana split in his attached apartment
that features one of those arcade cabinets
older men are known to have loved in the 1980's.
- [Mr. Horton] Arnold this is the tallest,
the sweetest, the gooeyst, the stickiest,
and the most disgusting banana split I think I've ever made.
- [Narrator] That checks out,
most of his disgusting sticky messes
aren't very tall at all.
- [Arnold] The way I eat it, it won't have a chance to melt.
My tongue's faster than a hummingbird's wing.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] Arnold, please say less right now.
Mr. Horton says it sucks
Arnold's dad won't give him the bike until his birthday.
But if he wants to swing by after school,
he can ride that red thang.
Maybe take the bike for a spin, too.
But do not tell da da about the bike.
Matter of fact, don't tell da da sheeit.
Arnold tells Dudley the awesome news
that Mr. Horton has toys and trains and video games.
It's like Michael Jackson's house.
Just like Michael Jackson's house.
And he might be able to get Dudley in
on the banana shaped stuff in your mouth action.
Mr. Horton sees his young guests
and plants some porn between comic books.
(laughing)
Very weird laugh track.
He invites them in to his sad apartment for pizza.
He says the za is cookin', but he needs to go to the front,
so peruse his well-stocked literature in the meantime.
Arnold's mind is blown.
That's a titty.
Whole book full of titty.
Mr. Horton catches them and says it's all good.
A little titty never hurt no one.
The human body is a work of art.
Now here's some pizza
with a not so subtle sales pitch on the side.
- [Mr Horton] You know guys, you can just have
and awful lot of fun with your clothes off.
Unless of course you live at the North Pole,
You're gonna freeze your touche off.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] Very very weird laugh track.
He says skinny dipping is fun.
Here are pictures of him swimming naked
with kids to prove it.
Dudley says it looks like a party.
Arnold is not about that life.
Mr. Horton asks if these young adults
want a little wine with their pizza.
Like in France, or Michael Jackson's house.
Arnold says no way, but when Dudley says yup,
Arnold refuses to let him drink alone.
True friendship.
Mr. Horton says let's play Instagram.
Dudley can be Tarzan.
But Tarzan never wore a shirt.
Better pop that thing off, Dudster.
Now let's take some pictures, drink some wine,
have a good time, to be continued, right now.
Horton says Tarzan needs a lion.
He volunteers, he loves lion to kids.
But first more jungle juice.
Arnold says no thanks, that stuff nasty.
But when Dudley calls him a punk, Arnold says pour up drank.
- L'chaim. (laughing)
- [Narrator] Close enough.
Horton invites them to jump on his twin sized mattress.
An underdog contender for top five
saddest things about this episode.
He says they can use his nickname: Curly.
A nickname for his hair,
just not the ones on his head.
A customer arrives, it's Mr. Drummond.
He tries to pay for the bike but can't take the hint
to scram from Horton's horny ass.
Arnold sees his daddy talking to the guy he lives with
and books it out the back with Dudley
and a fist full of gum.
Arnold gets busted by Kimberly and Willis
with a mouth full of minty chew.
They ask why he smells like Kiefer Sutherland's poolhouse.
He says it's just wine.
Dudley's dad gave it to him.
And what's the big deal?
Everyone drinks wine in France.
But he's not in France,
or Michael Jackson's house.
And if Dad finds out he's going to whoop his ass.
Arnold feels bad about all the sneaking.
Mr. Horton has some cartoons that might change his mind.
Arnold's not convinced.
- [Mr Horton] Oh, that's alright Dudley.
That just means that there's more
Boston cream pie for you and me.
(laughing)
- [Arnold] Boston cream pie?
- [Narrator] Let's pray to God
he's talking about dessert and not a road trip.
Mr. Horton puts on the toons.
- [Arnold] That mouse just lost his pants.
(laughing)
He's not wearing any undershorts!
(laughing)
- [Dudley] Look at that girl mouse.
She's wearing a bikini.
- [Arnold] Not anymore!
(laughing)
- [Narrator] Very very very weird laugh track.
This vintage hentai finally exceeds
Arnold's capacity for bullshit.
He's taking his cream pie to go.
Mr. Horton says now they can play Neptune.
It's a water game in the shower, Dudley's gonna love it.
Dudley's dad swings by the Drummond residence.
He politely requests they stop sending Dudley home sauced.
Yesterday he came home smelling like
Nick Nolte's Golden Globes tuxedo.
Mr. Drummond denies the allegations.
Willis and Kimberly spill beans.
They say Arnold came home shmambamed
but claimed he got loose at Dudley's house.
Dadley is going to talk with his son.
Mr. Drummond is going to go whoop Arnold's ass.
Time to tackle the serious topic of pre-teen alcoholics.
- [ Mr. Drummond] He came to discuss something
that I found quite informative.
- [Arnold] Oh?
What's that?
- [Mr. Drummond] You and Dudley hitting the bottle.
- [Arnold] Whatchoo talkin' about, dad?
(laughing)
- [Narrator] Nailed it.
Mr. Drummond wants a name.
Arnold fingers Horton, which is not the way
Horton hoped things would go.
- [Arnold] He gave us some pizza and wine.
- [Mr. Drummond] What else went on there?
- [Arnold] He showed us some pictures.
Everybody was naked.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] Ha ha.
- [Mr. Drummond] Naked?
- [Arnold] And he showed us some kinky cartoons.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] Ha ha.
- [Mr. Drummond] What do you mean by kinky?
- [Arnold] Well, you told me about the birds and the bees,
but that's nothing compared to what those mice were doing.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] Ha ha ha.
Mr. Drummond calls five-oh
and brings them to Horton's den of Schwinn.
Busted you sweatered sicko.
Dudley says Mr. Horton gave him a pill to feel good.
But he does not feel good.
At first it was fun, then Mr. Horton tried to touch 'em.
His dad says it's not his fault and he loves him.
Then makes a face that says goddamn you white people.
Arnold doesn't know who to trust anymore.
Mr. Drummond says you can still trust most people.
Even, like, three of the white ones.
But watch out for adults who tell you to keep secrets
from your parents, or lavish you with gifts and wine,
even if they made Thriller.
So what did we learn today?
Stay the hell away from bike shops.
Because the nice old man running them
might try to feed your kid ice cream and wine
then show him pictures of his saggy old balls
and photograph his best friend without a shirt on.
And if someone offers you a free radio,
you're better off just buying the damn thing
and saving yourself a lot stress and therapy.
And it doesn't matter what people do in France.
Because we are not in France,
or Michael Jackson's house.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.