- One of my best friends, God bless her,
she was in labor for 72 hours.
The baby's head kept on going in and out
and in and out and in and out.
(audience laughing)
And then she still had to have an emergency C-section.
(audience gasps)
Before that shit went down,
my friend was the kindest, (audience laughs)
most polite, dainty lady who would never
burp in front of anybody.
After that shit went down,
she became the most bitter, nasty,
raw-ass bitch I have ever met in my life.
(audience laughing)
I went to her house to pay her a visit shortly after.
She opens the door, "Look at my pussy Ali,
look at this shit, look at this!"
(audience laughing)
No, "Hello, Ali, welcome, come meet my beautiful new baby."
No, just, "Come on, you look at this shit!"
(audience laughing)
"You look at what happened to me!"
(audience laughing)
Just with the door open in front
of the entire cul-de-sac to see.
"Come on!"
(audience clapping)
And her pussy looked crazy.
It looked coo-coo for coo-coo puffs.
When I saw it, I was like (gasps).
Because her pussy straight-up looked like
two hanging dicks, side by side.
(audience groans)
In the process of giving birth to one baby girl,
my friend became two dudes.
(audience laughing)
You could French braid that shit.
It was like a "Star Wars" monster.
I mean women, we're not accustomed
to seeing each other's pussies in the first place.
It's not like men at the urinal
where you're like, "Hey, what's up dude, what's going on?"
And you're holding your dicks
in your hands in front of each other.
We're never just going to the bathroom,
"what's up girl?", holding our pussies just casual,
"I like your manicure."
(audience laughs)
I told her that she had turned in to two dudes.
(laughs)
And she started laughing,
but then she started to get also extremely upset.
(audience laughs)
And she was like, "bitch, do not make me laugh,
do not, make me laugh"
and then with one hand she had to grab a pillow
and press it against her C-section scar
and then with the other hand she had to
pinch the dicks together.
(audience laughs)
to make sure that the carne asada
wouldn't fall out of the taco
and become nachos on the floor.
(audience laughs)
You see this is why women need maternity leave!
(audience cheers)
Yeah, you better pay our ass too!
My friend couldn't go back to work
with her meat curtains dragging on the floor!
Like the train of a sad-ass wedding dress.
You can't litigate like that.
Ain't no spankx gonna tuck that shit in.
(audience laughs)
I told her all of that too and she starting laughing more.
And you know, she was like pinching
and she was pressing and repressing the laughter
and it got to be too much
and then all of this gas gurgled up in her system
and she let out this fat-ass queef
that dried out my eyeballs.
I was like (screams)!
(audience laughs)
(blows raspberries)
(audience cheers)
(jazzy music)