(Applause)
Woo,
my goodness, goodness
gracious.
God bless you.
I'm just a tad bit uh,
nervous, 'cause I'm wondering when I walked out here,
do you think to yourself?
Ooh that's that's that's that's that's a big dude or,
oh, ooh, that's that's a, that's a fat dude.
(Laughter)
I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm floating.
I mean, naked I'm fat, but, but when, when,
when I got all clothes, I mean, I know how to, you know,
I know how to stand,
so nobody really can tell
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Here is wait.
All right here, here's my I'm not fat stand right here.
(Laughter and applause)
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Make sure uh,
That's it right there.
Make sure my chin's not poked out because I don't want no
double chin. And also here's when you,
legally fat is when you get a stomach and a, you know,
underneath your stomach, you got like a ass
(Laughter and applause)
in the front.
You're not supposed to be to turn your draws backwards
and they a,
they fit better.
(Laughter and applause)
I, oh my goodness.
Oh man. I'm, see this thing.
I'm I'm nervous,
but I'm trying to be cool because that's the rules
in the ghetto.
I wish it was a holiday just once where just, you know,
black people don't have to be cool.
(Laughter)
It a, you know, it takes a lot out of me.
I gotta be cool, uh, you know all the time.
Can't smile ever. You haven't seen a black man giggle? Just
(Giggles)
(Laughter and applause)
You'd get robed! You can't giggle in the ghetto
I got to pretend I'm cool all the time.
I can't, you know what I mean? I'm a Beatles fan.
(Laughter)
I'm a closet Beatles fan.
I don't listen to the Beatles tapes.
I listen to Beatles, tapes in the corner.
Like I, cause I can't be cool.
You know, I can't be a gangster.
You know, driving through Harlem, tryin'.
We all live in a yellow submarine.
Yellow submarine.
We all live,
Hey you! Hey dude you owe me some,
yo, look, let me tell you something.
I gotta have my money in two days, boy.
You got two days!
Oh yeah.
Tell you something.
I hope you aren't
Oh man.
You know what ends stress too, man?
'Cause I don't like stress but you know women,
Keep you, keep your booties nice 'cause uh,
you know guys, you know what I mean?
We become good friends.
When we cause you can't enjoy a nice booty by yourself,
you don't see a nice booty alone. You're looking,
you start looking for stuff.
(Laughter)
You need a witness. You know, if I stand next to her,
You know what I mean?
if I was standing next to a Klan member
and a woman walked by I'd
hey, hey, hey, hey man,
(Laughter and applause)
I mean take off the hood so you can see!
White guys got a signal for nice, uh,
a nice booty and it's subtle.
It doesn't even involve like verbal contact,
you don't really have to talk. You just, you know,
if I'm standing next to the bus stop,
this is universal white guy signal for nice booty
woman walk by.
(Laughter and applause)
Don't confuse that. Don't confuse that with nice chest.
That's different, you know, nice chest is.
(Laughter and applause)
Black man, brother, black men turn a different triller quiz.
We see a nice ass and we're like, damn!
(Laughter and applause)
Look at that ass!
I get this too. A lot of times I get like, like, you know,
like fat people, I don't know, like,
you know, fat strangers,
they'll, they speak to me in the middle of the street.
Like we got some sorta, you know,
bond or something like that, you know?
Hey, you know, hey, I eat too.
I don't know you!.
Get extra happy.
Like, you know, you know like, like I do comedy.
It's like, oh mom, we have a voice.
Oh my goodness. Oh man. Hey big man represent man represent.
I represent what? You know, you know, fat people?
When I become a leader of fat people?
I don't want to lead fat people nowhere.
'Cause, what are we going to do, march?
The, the million pound march
We gonna walk,
(Laughter and applause)
and sleep
You know, like a malcolm xxl or something
like you know that?
(Laughter and applause)
Eh, thank you very much. Thank you I appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you!
That was great.
Thank you so much.
Patrice O'Neal everybody!