WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS DROPPED
OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC RACE.
AND WE'RE GETTING A CLEARER PICTURE OF AMERICA'S FUTURE AND
IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE AMERICA'S PAST.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF ♪
>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
BEAT TRUMP.
CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE!
AAAHHH!
BING, BING, BONG, BONG.
>> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2020!
>> COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SAD NEWS FOR FANS OF
COMPETENCE, BECAUSE FRIEND OF THE SHOW, ELIZABETH WARREN HAS
DROPPED OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THE ONE-TIME FRONTRUNNER, WARREN
MADE THE CLASSIC CAMPAIGN MISTAKE OF BEING ABLE TO FINISH
A COHERENT SENTENCE AND NOT HAVING A PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) WARREN IS GONE.
THAT'S IT.
SHE'S OUT OF THE RACE.
FURTHER PROOF THAT AMERICA CAN NOT HAVE NICE THINGS.
SHE HAD A PLAN FOR EVERYTHING: A HEALTHCARE PLAN, AN IMMIGRATION
PLAN, A STUDENT LOAN PLAN, AND HER MOST POPULAR PLAN, KNEECAP
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG WITH A CROQUET MALLET.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH!
HUH-OH!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: HOLD STILL!
TA-TA!
( LAUGHTER ) NOT SURPRISINGLY, WARREN WAS
GRACIOUS AND ELOQUENT, REPORTEDLY TELLING HER STAFF
"I WILL CARRY YOU IN MY HEART FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
IF I LEAVE YOU WITH ONE PIECE OF ADVICE: CHOOSE TO FIGHT ONLY
RIGHTEOUS FIGHTS."
THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS.
IT'S REALLY LOVELY.
BUT FEAR NOT, WARREN FANS.
JOE BIDEN IS SURE TO CONTINUE THAT FIGHT WITH HIS RIGHTEOUS
MESSAGE OF "YABBA DABBA DEMOCRATS!
LIFELONG-- MAMA SEE MAMA SA MAMA KOO SA!
COME ON!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WHEN SHE ADDRESSED THE PRESS, WARREN LAMENTED HOW THE
NARRATIVE OF THIS PRIMARY SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN
ADVANCE.
>> I WAS TOLD AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS WHOLE UNDERTAKING THAT
THERE ARE TWO LANES, A PROGRESSIVE LANE THAT BERNIE
SANDERS IS THE INCUMBENT FOR AND A MODERATE LANE JOE BIDEN IS THE
INCUMBENT FOR AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR ANYONE ELSE IN THIS.
I THOUGHT THAT WASN'T RIGHT.
BUT EVIDENTLY I WAS WRONG.
>> STEPHEN: DESPITE HER BEST EFFORT, THAT DEMOCRATIC ROAD
STILL HAS JUST TWO LANES.
AND TWO DRIVERS WHO PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THEIR KEYS TAKEN
AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
EYES ARE JUST GOING.
GET A GOLF CART.
AT ONE POINT, WARREN WAS ASKED ABOUT THE YOUNG WOMEN AND GIRLS
WHO LOOK UP TO HER: >> I WONDER WHAT YOUR
MESSAGE WOULD BE TO THE WOMEN AND GIRLS WHO FEEL LIKE WE'RE
LEFT WITH TWO WHITE MEN TO DECIDE BETWEEN.
>> I KNOW!
ONE OF THE HARDEST PARTS OF THIS IS ALL THOSE PINKY PROMISES.
ALL THOSE LITTLE GIRLS WERE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOUR MORE
YEARS.
>> STEPHEN: HAPPY, AMERICA?
YOU MADE ELIZABETH WARREN BREAK HER PINKY PROMISE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW SHE HAS TO HOPE TO DIE AND
STICK A NEEDLE IN HER EYE!
( LAUGHTER ) WARREN WAS ALSO ASKED WHETHER
SEXISM MIGHT HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IN HER CAMPAIGN'S ENDING.
>> GENDER IN THIS RACE, THAT IS THE TRAP QUESTION FOR EVERY
WOMAN.
IF YOU SAY YEAH THERE WAS SEXISM IN THIS RACE, EVERYONE
SAYS "WHINER."
AND IF YOU SAY NO THERE WAS NO SEXISM, ABOUT A BAZILLION WOMEN
THINK, "WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON?"
I'LL PROMISE YOU THIS, I'LL HAVE A LOT MORE TO SAY ON THAT
SUBJECT LATER ON.
>> STEPHEN: AND I'M GUESSING MOST OF IT WILL BE BLEEPED.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN WARREN WAS ASKED WHETHER
SHE WOULD BE ENDORSING EITHER BIDEN OR SANDERS.
HERE'S WHAT SHE SAID: >> LET'S TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND
SPEND A LITTLE TIME, WE DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE THAT THIS MINUTE.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, SHE'S RIGHT, LET'S JUST ALL JUST TAKE A DEEP
BREATH.
AND HOLD IT UNTIL THE CORONAVIRUS IS GONE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE A
FIERCE BATTLE BETWEEN BIDEN AND SANDERS FOR ELIZABETH WARREN.
(AS BERNIE) "LIZ, I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A
LIAR.
PLEASE, MY HEART CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS.
THAT'S DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS YOU COMPLETE ME.
LITERALLY.
I NEED AN ORGAN DONOR.
IN YOUR EYES!
THE LIGHT!
THE HEAT!
YOUR EYES!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT BIDEN'S NOT GOING TO GIVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT.
(AS BIDEN) "DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, LIZZIE.
AFTER ALL, YOU ARE MY COUSIN.
OH WAIT, THEY SWITCHED EM' ON ME.
POINT IS, I WANT YOU TO ENDORSE ME FOR U.S. SENATE.
NO, I MEAN THAT!" ( LAUGHTER )
AS THEY WAITED FOR WARREN'S ANNOUNCEMENT, THE PRESS CAPED
OUT ON HER LAWN, AND ONE REPORTER SNAPPED THIS PICTURE OF
HER DOG.
BAILEY.
AWWW.
LOOK AT THAT FACE.
DANG, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER CAMPAIGN SLOGAN ALL ALONG:
"VOTE FOR ELIZABETH WARREN OR YOU'LL MAKE A DOG SAD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT LIKE A LOT OF US, BAILEY IS A STRESS EATER, BECAUSE AFTER
THE ANNOUNCEMENT, WARREN'S PRESS SECRETARY GABRIELLE FARRELL
POSTED ON TWITTER "BAILEY LEGIT JUST SWIPED
SOMEONE'S BURRITO."
( LAUGHTER ) ALONG WITH FOOTAGE OF STAFFERS
TRYING TO GET THE TEX-MEX FROM HIS MAW.
YES, IT'S YOUR BURRITO, BUT BAILEY HAS A PLAN FOR THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, OH, A PLAN!
A MASTER PLAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME -- >> Jon: COME ON, GIVE ME THAT.
>> Stephen: -- TODAY, WE ARE ALL BAILEY.
SO IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO ELIZABETH WARREN.
OH, HERE COMES HER HORSE.
RIDE LIZZY!
RIDE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO NOW ITS DOWN TO BIDEN AND SANDERS.
SHOWDOWN AT HIGH NOON.
RIGHT BEFORE THEY BOTH EAT DINNER.
( LAUGHTER ) EITHER ONE OF THEM WOULD BE THE
OLDEST PRESIDENT IN U.S.
HISTORY, SO IT'S GOING TO BE IMPORTANT THEY CHOOSE A RUNNING
MATE THAT IS EXPERIENCED, YET SEEMS A LOT YOUNGER.
SO...
JIMMY CARTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE OTHER BIG STORY IS STILL THE CORONAVIRUS.
IT'S ALL ANYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT.
YOU COULD SAY, AMERICA HAS CORONAVIRUS FEVER.
BUT YOU SHOULDN'T.
THAT WOULD BE IN POOR TASTE.
HOW DARE YOU?
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "GOIN' VIRAL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> LICK ME, I'M DELICIOUS!
>> STEPHEN: THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SPREAD.
SO FAR, THERE HAVE BEEN 210 CONFIRMED CASES IN 18 STATES
WITH DOUBLE DIGIT FATALITIES.
SO LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP WENT ON FOX NEWS TO LIE ABOUT
EVERYTHING.
SPECIFICALLY, ABOUT THE MOST RECENT WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
ESTIMATE THAT THE GLOBAL DEATH RATE OF CORONAVIRUS IS 3.4%.
HE DISAGREED: >> I THINK THE 3.4% IS REALLY A
FALSE NUMBER.
NOW, THIS IS JUST MY HUNCH.
>> STEPHEN: SCIENCE IS NOT BASED ON HUNCHES!
THAT'S WHY "BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY" IS MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN HIS
RIVAL: "PHIL MUNCH, MAN OF HUNCH"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOOD SHOW, THOUGH.
A REALLY GOOD SHOW.
TRUMP BACKED UP HIS FAKE HUNCH WITH FAKE MATH.
>> IT SEEMS LIKE 3 OR 4%, WHICH IS A VERY HIGH NUMBER, AS
OPPOSED TO A FRACTION OF 1%.
I THINK THE NUMBER, PERSONALLY, I WOULD SAY THE NUMBER IS WAY
UNDER 1%.
>> STEPHEN: THIS ISN'T "THE ART OF THE DEAL."
YOU CAN'T NEGOTIATE WITH SCIENCE.
(AS TRUMP) "YOU'RE SAYING I HAVE 6-8 WEEKS
TO LIVE?
HOW ABOUT 10-12?
NINE WEEKS.
FINAL OFFER OR I'M WALKING.
OH, YOU'RE SAYING I WON'T BE ABLE TO WALK?"
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP DIDN'T JUST HAVE BAD
NUMBERS.
HE ALSO HAD BAD ADVICE: >> A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL HAVE
THIS AND IT IS VERY MILD.
THEY WILL GET BETTER VERY RAPIDLY, THEY DON'T EVEN SEE A
DOCTOR, THEY DON'T EVEN CALL A DOCTOR.
YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE.
WE HAVE THOUSANDS OR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THAT GET
BETTER, JUST BY, YOU KNOW, SITTING AROUND AND EVEN GOING TO
WORK, SOME OF THEM GO TO WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GO TO WORK?
MAYBE SOME OF THEM DO GO TO WORK BUT THEY SHOULD GOTTEN TO WORK.
BECAUSE THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO SPREAD A PANDEMIC.
TRUMP'S LIKE THE MAYOR IN "JAWS," BUT WORSE.
(AS TRUMP) "DON'T LISTEN TO THE SHERIFF.
THE BEACHES ARE OPEN FOR SUMMER!
A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING TO GET ATTACKED BY A SHARK, BUT A LOT
OF PEOPLE AREN'T.
YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
WHO DON'T GET CHOMPED UP.
SOME OF THEM WILL GET THEIR LEG EATEN OFF.
BUT THEY'LL COME TO SHORE AND THEY'LL GET BETTER JUST BY
SITTING AROUND.
THEIR LEGS WILL GROW BACK, I HAVE A HUNCH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S A MESSAGE OF HOPE, JOHN.
>> Jon: MESSAGE OF HOPE?
REALLY?
>> Stephen: BUT MAYBE THE WORST CORONA LIE
WAS WHAT TRUMP SAID ABOUT THE CURRENT FATALITIES.
>> WHEN YOU DO HAVE A DEATH LIKE YOU HAD IN THE STATE OF
WASHINGTON, LIKE YOU HAD ONE IN CALIFORNIA, I BELIEVE YOU HAD
ONE IN NEW YORK.
>> STEPHEN: NO WE DIDN'T HAVE ONE IN NEW YORK!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE SAID IT, NOW AN INTERN IN
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE IT TRUE.
"I'M SO SORRY.
HE SAID IT ON HANNITY.
STAY STILL!
IT'S FOR COLLEGE CREDIT."
IT'S NOT A REAL GUN.
( PIANO RIFF ) THESE ARE ANXIOUS TIMES
DEMANDING SWIFT, DECISIVE ACTION.
AND FOR ONCE, CONGRESS HAS STEPPED UP, BECAUSE, FIRST THE
HOUSE, AND THEN TODAY THE SENATE, BOTH PASSED AN $8.3
BILLION EMERGENCY SPENDING PACKAGE TO RESPOND TO THE
CORONAVIRUS OUTBREAK.
DANG, WITH THAT KIND OF MONEY, YOU COULD GO ON AMAZON AND BUY
SIX FACE MASKS!
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
THERE YOU GO.
SECOND TIME.
SOME REPUBLICANS THINK THAT $8.3 BILLION IS AN OVER-REACTION,
LIKE FLORIDA CONGRRESSMAN AND MAN THINKING, "YOU CAN'T ARREST
ME FOR DRUNK DRIVING-- I'M FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN MATT
GAETZ!", MATT GAETZ.
GAETZ WAS THERE FOR YESTERDAY'S BUDGET VOTE, AND HE SHOWED UP
FOR IT WEARING A GAS MASK.
WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY TO PREVENT PEOPLE FROM SMELLING THE LIQUOR
ON YOUR BREATH.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN WASN'T GAETZ'S ONLY
PICTURE WEARING THE GAS MASK.
HERE HE IS SURROUNDED BY ALL OF HIS FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT HE'S
THE ONLY GUY WHO COULD WEAR A GAS MASK TO WORK AND STILL HAVE
THE DUMBEST PART OF HIS OUTFIT BE HIS SHOES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE LIKE CLOWN FEET BUT THEY DIDN'T GROW.
ONE PERSON ACTUALLY TAKING THE CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY IS BOND,
JAMES BOND.
♪ ♪
( CHEERING ) YESTERDAY, THE NEW JAMES BOND
MOVIE WAS POSTPONED OVER CORONAVIRUS FEARS.
TURNS OUT THAT WHEN THE PRODUCERS OF THE FILM HEARD
ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, THEY WERE SHAKEN.
AND STIRRED.
( LAUGHTER ) IRONICALLY, THE FILM IS NAMED
"NO TIME TO DIE."
( LAUGHTER ) IT DIDN'T HELP THAT THE BOND
GIRL IS NAMED PAM DEMIC.
( LAUGHTER ) I APPLAUD THE PRODUCERS FOR
PUTTING PUBLIC HEALTH AHEAD OF THEIR MARKETING SCHEDULE, BUT I
THINK THEY CAN DO MORE.
THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING ON THEM TO RELEASE A NEW VERSION OF ONE
OF THEIR CLASSIC SONGS: "WASH FINGERS!"
( LAUGHTER ) ♪
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SERIOUSLY, WASH YOUR FINGERS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
KEITH URBAN IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND!