Hey guys, if this is shaking it’s because I’m freezing.
I’m in Fredericksburg, TX and I’m making this video and it is so cold.
Anyway, I'm going to begin the New Year with a very important topic.
One I see all the time in my clinic and that is what do you do when your partner’s defensive
and shuts down or stonewalls or withdraws.
The first thing that’s so important with couple communication is that you start talking
and you keep talking.
If the two of you can continue to discuss things and listen to each other.
Your relationship is going to improve and deepen as you go through life.
If you don’t, if you let these setbacks start getting in your mind and telling you.
It means there’s something incredibly wrong with the two of you.
It’s going to continue that way, so let’s say that you are with someone who gets very
defensive.
The first thing I want you to do is I want you to look at yourself and say “Hmm, am
I enabling this?”
I’m saying this because sometimes when there’s a defensive partner, the person most talking
to them most close to them is the one who’s keeping that going.
That’s because they’re got a pattern going.
They make their partner feel attacked.
In other words, they start out slow and they just keep digging you know like metaphorically
pounding on their partner to get more and more out of them.
Their partner doesn't know how to handle that so rather than use another skill, they shut
down or they withdraw.
Secondly, I want you to think of a different approach when you’re not in the heat of
the battle.
If you sit down and you tell your partner honestly” listen I really love you but the
way we communicate is not healthy.”
I feel like we could do better, I feel like we can gain a deeper understanding.
If we were just able to sit and listen to each other before the next person talks or
before anyone withdraws.
When you say something like that you bring your partner towards you, they start feeling
safer and don’t forget the reason most people get defensive or they move away is because
they’re feeling attacked or threatened.
Lastly, I want you to tell your partner directly with no other words or wishy-washy.
I want to do better.
I want to communicate.
I think we both have an issue that we can solve when you start like that you’re taking
partial responsibility.
You’re letting your partner “listen, I’m willing to go the extra mile.
I’m willing to work with you on this.
There has to be a way the two of us can solve it.”
One thing I’ve noticed in my own marriage as well as many of my clients.
Is that when I offer a partner, my partner, an opportunity to have a time-out when they’re
starting to feel threatened like with a hand signal or just say “hey listen I need a
break.”
It works better because we reschedule when we’re gonna discuss it.
Then neither one of us gets angry, and neither one of us gets in the mode of shutting each
other out.
When you get in that mode you’re basically excluding the person who loves you and cherishes
you the most.
That’s not a place you want to be.
Let’s go into 2020 working on this and creating better communication.
Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect, we’re all works in progress.
I mean probably after fifty years you get pretty good talking to each other, but not
always.
I see clients who still can’t talk to each other.
So why not put in a good effort in 2020, and then notice and brag about the areas that
the two of you have grown.
Have an awesome day and let's get this new year off to a fantastic start.