This past weekend was the Miss America Pageant.
And here to give us her thoughts is Michelle Wolf, everybody!
(cheers and applause)
Oh. Thank you, Trevor.
You know, I don't know if you know this about me,
but I love pageants.
You know, I actually wanted
to get into pageants, but then I realized
getting into Miss America is super hard.
There's, like, tons of qualifications.
Look at all those rules!
I would never qui... qualify.
I broke, like, three of those rules today.
(laughter)
Besides, I don't really have tiara hair.
It would get lost.
(laughter)
You know, I realize it's actually easier
to become president than it is to become Miss America.
(laughter, applause)
'Cause, you know...
(cheers and applause)
'Cause you know what the qualifications are
for president?
-35 and born here. -(laughter)
That's not qualifications!
That's the search terms
of a sad lady on a Match.com profile.
(laughter)
"My type? Well, at this point,
I'll settle for 35 and born here."
-(laughter) -"Or-- I don't know-- not dead. I'm flexible."
Wow. I... I honestly had no idea
there were so many qualifications
to be Miss America.
Oh, no, no, not to
That's just how you get into the competition.
Once you're in the door, you still have to do all this crap.
ANNOUNCER: Miss New Jersey, Kaitlyn Schoeffel.
(cheering)
♪ ♪
(yodeling)
-All right. -(laughter)
Couple things.
Yodeling ventriloquism?
Wow, us women keep finding more creative ways to die alone.
(laughter)
Also, what did you do to my brother?
Turn him back into a real boy!
You know, I know people think pageants are sexist--
and they are--
at the end of the competition to ask the contestants
really hard questions.
Last month a demonstration of new-Nazis, white supremacists
and the KKK in Charlottesville, Virginia, turned violent,
and a counter-protestor was killed.
The president said there was shared blame with, quote,
"very fine people on both sides."
Were there? Tell me yes or no, and explain.
I think that the white supremacist issue,
it was very obvious that it was a terrorist attack.
And I think that President Donald Trump
should have made a statement earlier addressing the fact,
and in making sure all Americans feel safe in this country.
-That is the number one issue right now. -(cheering)
How crazy is that?
It took the president four days and three tries
to give a (bleep) answer to that question.
And Miss Texas nailed it in 20 seconds.
(laughter)
(whooping, applause)
This is how little faith America has in its women.
They have to be prettier, more talented and smarter
than the president just to get the job of waving for a year.
She's gonna be stuck in a parade, like,
"Glad I solved that Nazi problem.
They won't even let me drive."
Like, I realized if he was in that competition,
President Trump would have finished
195 countries signed the Paris Agreement,
in which each country sets nonbinding goals
to reduce man-made climate change.
The U.S. is withdrawing from the agreement.
Good decision? Bad decision?
Which is it, and why?
Yeah, I mean, something could happen
with respect to the Paris accord.
We'll see what happens.
But, uh, we will talk about that over the coming period of time.
And if it happens, that'll be wonderful,
and if it doesn't, that'll be...
okay, too.
But we'll see what happens.
-But we did discuss... -(buzzer sounds)
I do believe it's a bad decision.
-Once we reject that... Thank you. -(cheering)
Once we reject that, we take ourselves
out of the negotiation table, and that's something
that we really need to keep in mind.
There is evidence that climate change is existing,
so whether you believe it or not,
we need to be at that table, and I think it's just a bad decision
-on behalf of the United States. Thank you. -(bell dings)
-Wow! -(cheering, applause)
Wow!
She seems so much more prepared than Donald Trump.
Well, yeah, of course.
She knows that if she wins this contest,
she'll be representing America to the world.
-That's a big responsibility. -(laughter)
And she's not some unique genius.
All the contestants are like that.
There are multiple investigations
into whether Trump's campaign
colluded with Russia on the election.
Well, did they?
Yeah, tomorrow you'll say, "Donald Trump wants
to get along with Russia-- this is terrible."
It's not terrible. It's good.
We had Hillary Clinton try and do a reset.
We had Hillary Clinton give Russia
20% of the uranium
in our country.
You know what uranium is, right?
It's a thing called nuclear weapons
-and other things, like lots of... -(buzzer sounds)
things are done with uranium, including some bad things.
Right now I'd have to say innocent,
because not enough information has been revealed.
We are... we are still investigating this,
and I think we should investigate it
-to its fullest extent. -(cheering, whistling, applause)
And if we do find the evidence that they have had collusion
with Russia, then they should... the justice system should do
their due diligence and they should be punished accordingly.
-(bell dings) -(cheering)
(whooping, applause)
Don't... don't clap too much-- she didn't win.
-(laughter) -Uh... I just figured something out.
Remember how Donald Trump said
he used to sneak into pageant dressing rooms?
Maybe he wasn't being creepy.
Maybe he just needed answers.
(like Trump): I know you're changing,
but they're quizzing me on uranium,
and all I've got is, "It's not good and other things."
(laughter)
Here's my suggestion.
Let's switch the president with
I'd even take that weird ventriloquist lady as president.
'Cause right now all we have is the dummy.
Michelle Wolf, everybody!