♪♪
-JCPenney doesn't have aisles.
They have, uh...
demilitarized zones.
[ Laughter ]
Maryland legalized marijuana, and we made a joke.
The joke was, finally there was something to do in Maryland.
Well, Marylanders responded in force.
I think they were just happy
to have something to do.
[ Laughter ]
I was told to visit Ocean City.
I was told Maryland has the best aquarium,
the best seafood spice rub,
and the best state flag.
I looked up the state flag.
This is the Maryland state flag.
Pretty cool.
So cool, I asked if it wanted to hang out,
and it said it couldn't,
because it's too busy.
[ Laughter ]
We said the midterms were less of a red wave
and more of a Red Wedding,
if Donald Trump showed up as a dragon
and burned it all to a crisp.
A lot of Throners out there told me that, you know,
there wasn't a dragon at the Red Wedding.
But if Donald Trump was a dragon,
which he was in our analogy,
I think he would show up
whether or not he was supposed to be there.
This is a man who shows up to weddings uninvited all the time.
We've established that about him.
[ Sighing ] Also, I try to really hammer this home --
when I'm speaking as Trump,
I would just invite you not to correct errors there,
because I'm speaking as Trump would.
[ Laughter ]
So, as Trump, I referred to Frankenstein,
and a lot of you said,
"Frankenstein's monster."
That would be so jarring
if that was a detail Donald Trump got right.
[ Laughter ]
This is a man who once referred to Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple,
as Tim Apple.
That's not a guy who says
[as Trump] Frankenstein's monster, of course.
[ Laughter ]
The correct way to say it.
The great Mary Shelley.
[ Laughter ]
Married to Percy Bysshe Shelley,
my favorite of the Romantics.
I get romantic just thinking about him.
[ Laughter ]
"Ozymandias" -- that's a poem.
My favorite two lines --
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings --
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
The only two lines I've ever read of the poem.
Pretty good message there.
Put your name on stuff and they'll never forget you.
[ Laughter ]
[Normal voice] Oh.
We talked about if Donald Trump
was on "American Ninja Warrior."
And I will say, our graphics department
went above and beyond.
There was some confusion.
And we just wanted them to take a cutout photo of Trump
and do this animation, but they actually
made it look like a video game.
It's wonderful.
But some of you had issues with it.
Let's take a look,
and then the rest of you can guess while you're watching
what the issue was from the jackals.
Let's take a look.
[ Video game sound effects ]
The criticism?
"He wouldn't make two!"
[ Laughter ]
It's so hot. Are you hot today in here?
[ Laughter ]
Um, alright.
So, we said we brought a gopher in for a photo shoot,
but the gopher wouldn't drink a beer
because he was a Mormon.
That was an error of mine.
He wasn't a Mormon --
he was a marmot.
[ Laughter ]
And he did say it, but they are hard to understand
'cause there's...
when they talk, the gap in their front teeth
makes like a whistling sound.
[ Laughter ]
Marmot, if you don't know,
are large ground squirrels
who eat berries, lichens, and moss,
but don't
drink alcohol, coffee, or tea.
It's not religious, it's just like,
where are they gonna get it?
Speaking of that,
while discussing the gopher, I was very unprofessional
last week during "Corrections."
I started laughing very hard.
I couldn't complete a sentence.
And that's not what "Corrections" is about.
[ Laughter ]
What happened was,
I sort of played out in my head
what would go down
if our security guys, Jim and John, would have to escort
a drunk gopher out of the building.
And then I -- in my head, I thought it would be funny
if Jim said, "Look out for his teeth."
Now...
[ Laughter ]
...why that became really funny to me --
and I'm trying not to let that happen this minute --
Jim and John are exceptional security guards.
Exceptional.
With that said...
that's not their best skill.
Their best skill is busting each other's balls.
[ Laughter ]
And I know from history that if a gopher bit John,
Jim would never let him [bleep] forget about it.
Every day, I'd be walking downstairs with them
and Jim would say, like, "I'm gonna go out first,
make sure there's no gophers there for John."
[ Laughter ]
"John asked me to" --
[ Laughing ]
"John wants me to go check for gophers first."
[ Laughter ]
And then John would -- John would love telling you.
If a gopher bit John...
"I'll tell you, those teeth, Seth."
[ Laughter ]
"Went right through my pant leg!
Two holes."
[ Laughter ]
"I told you to look out for his teeth."
[ Laughter ]
It's -- It is -- No, it is hot.
You don't think?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this was a nice comment.
"My wife hates you
and hates the 'Corrections' vids
even more than your usual stuff."
All I will say is...
she sounds like a keeper.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, we referred to an Italian fashion designer
as Bruno Cucinelli.
That was incorrect.
His name is Bruno
Cucinelli's monster.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
Brunello.
And this is one where
everybody in the r--
So, Emily, our "Closer Look" producer,
who is really on these sort of things
and is certainly, on the surface,
the most fashionable
of everybody who works in that room --
this was one she should've caught.
And I think she feels terrible about it.
We're not gonna beat her up on it, but, like,
you can't ask, like, Shoemaker...
When you ask Shoemaker about, like, luxury shoe designers,
he's like, "Florsheim."
[ Laughter ]
"I got one sayin' about shoes.
The ceiling is Florsheim."
[ Laughter ]
And then Sal has to pretend like he doesn't know
'cause he's secret rich and he doesn't want, like, you know...
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God, the hoops that Sal goes through
to be secret rich is so...
I mean, we all have to, like, pretend like,
"Oh, here comes Sal in his Mets hat and New Balance shoes."
[ Laughter ] But he's got, like --
Like, he's got this Gristedes bag he carries around with him
and then, like, you look and it's, like, Ferragamo shoes,
Omega watch.
Um, we said Obama --
if Obama was at the top of Mount Everest,
he would be wearing shades and smoking a cigarette.
Here's the photo Graphics made.
Now, you might note,
the weird thing about being at the top of Mount Everest
would be the big ol' mountain behind it
that's taller.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sniffs ]
Um...
We said, um...
Scollins made a joke about, uh...
There was a -- someone broke a world record
by making the world's largest sushi roll --
sushi roll, excuse me --
and then we said, "Now the bad news,"
and showed a picture of Shamu.
Orcas are mammals, so they wouldn't be good --
this is what you guys told me.
They wouldn't be good for sushi.
They'd be good for, like, a tartare.
Also, Shamu died in the '70s.
[ Light laughter ]
Jonestown.
[ Laughter ]
So hot.
[ Laughter ]
Maybe the gopher, like...
Could the gopher have, like, chewed through the cord
to the AC?
[ Laughter ]
I mean, I don't think I'm crazy.
Do you think I'm crazy?
Ahh.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
What else, what else?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, I know why I'm hot.
I did 50 push-ups.
[ Laughter ]