- We know some people are tricky to buy for
for birthday and things.
If you had somebody in your life like this
then listen up, this next thing might be useful for ya.
We've got a birthday rule.
Our birthday rule is that if it's your birthday,
you get to make all of the decisions all day,
for both of ya.
So my fella's last birthday, his first decision,
he said, I wanna lie in.
Excellent, happy with that, we had a lie in.
Second decision, he said, I want a sausage sandwich,
which was not the euphemism I was hoping it was.
(audience laughing)
I was all like, should I be the bread?
(audience laughing)
Oh you're putting the grill on? Okay.
(audience laughing)
Third decision, he wanted to go to Warwick Castle.
Now I'm sure some of you may well have been
to Warwick Castle, I'm sure the castle part of it
is an absolute delight, we didn't get to do that bit.
The only bit he wanted to do was the dungeon.
He likes reading horror stories,
he likes watching horror films,
I don't like any of that sort of thing.
I don't like being scared, I don't even,
I'm not a massive fan of the dark if I'm brutally honest,
I'm a bit of a woose,
and I thought this whole experience is gonna be horrible
for me, but birthday rules, we have to go.
So we go to Warwick Castle and at the door to the dungeon
is a man and the man has fake blood on his face and hands
and he's dressed in some sort of costume,
and being a little claustrophobic as I am,
I thought, this is about to include two of the things
I hate the most, enclosed spaces and fucking actors.
(audience laughing)
It wasn't like a museum, it wasn't just glass cases
with things in to look at and little bits of writing
that you don't bother reading, 'cause it's borin',
it wasn't like that, it was properly interactive,
every room had a different scenario,
there were volunteers required throughout
and there was always a chance that somebody
was gonna jump out and frighten the
living shit of out of ya.
(audience laughing)
Now I knew I was gonna hate it
and it was proved right as soon as we started to walk in.
Now one thing to point out is well I guess these tours
normally have 10 or 12 or 15 people on them
all going round as one.
I dunno why, maybe just because it was a Tuesday,
but it was only two of us.
(audience laughing)
So every time they needed a volunteer,
it was me or him or both of us.
(audience laughing)
And also, it was the final tour of the day,
we'd overhead a couple of the actors talking outside
saying if we hadn't turned up,
they would have all been able to go home an hour early.
(audience laughing)
So they already didn't really like us.
(audience laughing)
Now we go down the stairs at the beginning
and I already hate it 'cause it's dark,
it smells funny and the walls are running with water,
it's horrible, birthday rules, we have to do it though.
Now we go into the first room,
the first room was quite well lit, it's not too bad,
it's a court room and there's a man playing a judge
and just me and my fella.
We are both tried.
I was tried for being a witch, rude.
(audience laughing)
And he was tried for weeing in a well. Apt.
(audience laughing)
We are both sentenced to death,
which I thought was a little harsh.
(audience laughing)
But I thought, if it's all like this, this is gonna be okay.
Now, how wrong you can be.
You go into the next room,
the next room is completely pitch black.
So dark you can't see your hard in front of your face
and it's also completely silent.
Now I'd been linked into my fella,
holding on for dear life.
Somebody came up behind us who we couldn't see
and just unravelled us and separated us,
put him over the other side of the room.
So I couldn't see him, I couldn't touch him,
but every now and again, I could hear him say,
you're gonna be all right, you're gonna be all right.
(audience laughing)
'Cause he knew the state I was getting myself into.
(audience laughing)
Already starting to shake quite a bit.
(audience laughing)
Now they left us in the darkness and the silence
for about a minute and then a bright white light
flashed and an old lady screamed in my face.
(audience laughing)
I don't know which bit of history
that's supposed to represent,
but it felt very much like Christmas with me Nana.
(audience laughing)
We go in another couple of rooms,
they're quite scary but not too bad.
One of the scariest parts of the whole experience
is just a corridor, just a corridor between one room
and the next, but it was dimly lit
and there were horrific things everywhere we looked,
until we realised half way along that they were mirrors.
(audience laughing)
At one point I had whispered to my fella,
that monster's got my top on.
(audience laughing)
We go in the final room, the final room is a hospital room.
There is a bed with a body on it
and the body I've already clocked is a dummy,
so it doesn't mean it can't move,
but least it's not gonna jump out at me,
and a man walks in and addresses us both
and he says, I'm not the doctor.
So I went, (audience laughing)
Okay. (audience laughing)
Then he went, the doctor died of the plague.
(audience laughing)
Aww. (audience laughing)
And he went, I'm the cook,
and I thought, oh, snacks.
(audience laughing)
Apparently not.
He said, I'm the cook and I'm replacing the doctor
because I'm the only other one who knows about anatomy.
So I just went, it's a promotion, well done.
(audience laughing)
And he walked forward and he stood just in front of me
and he was so close to me,
I could feel his breath on my face.
And he looked at me and he said,
you don't look very well.
(audience laughing)
And I crumpled. (audience laughing)
I've just got a bit of a cold.
(audience laughing)
And then he said, I think you need some treatment.
I'm taking Day Nurse. (audience laughing)
And I've got some Tunes in me handbag.
Why don't you do it to him, it's his birthday.
(audience laughing)
And then he said, I think you need an operation.
(audience laughing)
Happy birthday to you, ya shit.
(audience laughing)
He took me by the hand, he sat me on a seat
and he pulled around us both, a very thin,
white muslin curtain.
We are within the curtain, my fella is on the outside
of the curtain, we are now the show,
my fella is the only audience member.
(audience laughing)
This whole fucking thing is just for him.
(audience laughing)
The cook pulls out a knife, this sorta size,
maybe like a dagger and he shows it round the front
of the curtain so my fella can see it really clearly,
he brings it back round again and he presses a button
on the chair behind me which is the sound effect
of a woman screaming.
(audience laughing)
Pulls out another knife, maybe a machete, this sorta size
and again, he shows it round the front of the curtain
so my fella can see, brings it back round again,
presses another button of a woman screaming.
Now by this stage, I am physically shaking
from head to toe, my palms are sweaty
and I feel quite sick.
But all I can think is,
I wonder what we're gonna do for my fucking birthday.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Because my birthday is after his,
my birthday no longer becomes
about what I actually might want to do,
but about what he will fucking hate.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
The cook pulls out the final weapon,
it's a sieve, huge like this and again,
he shows it round the front
so my fella can see, brings it back round again
and presses the most blood curdling scream of all.
And I thought, I know this is fake,
but I wonder what the expression on my fella's face is
right now and I could see him very clearly
through the curtain.
I looked at his face and he was checking his phone
for text massages.
(audience laughing)
As we walked out I said, I can't believe you were playing
on your phone.
He said, to be honest,
I was just surprised I could get a signal down there.
(audience laughing)
We got in the car to go home,
I said, do you know what we're gonna do for my birthday?
He said, no I don't, what we gonna do for your birthday?
I said, you know what we're gonna do for my birthday?
He said, I don't, what we gonna do for your birthday?
I said, we're gonna talk about our feelings
for nine fucking hours.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
As it happens, that's not what we did.
My birthday rolled around a month later
and all I really wanted to do was wander round John Lewis.
(audience laughing)
It's me happy place.
(audience laughing)
Wanted to wander round the homeware section touching things,
that's all I wanted to do.
So we go to John Lewis, we're in the homeware section,
but the whole time, he's three or four paces behind me
playing on his phone and I thought,
oh this isn't fair.
I was disembowelled on his fucking birthday.
(audience laughing)
And I should have learned from earlier experience
that he is not good to take shopping.
On a previous occasion,
we'd been in a different department store,
I decided to look for a new dress.
I picked three to try on and I parked him,
you know how you can park your fella
either at the shoes, 'cause there's seats there
and they like that,
or you can park 'em at the fitting room,
'cause then there's sometimes another fella there
and they can make a little friend.
(audience laughing)
So I parked him at the fitting room,
I took three dresses in to try on,
I came out after each one to show him.
After the first one I said, what do you think of this one?
And he went, it's all right.
(audience laughing)
Keep pumping out compliments like that
and we'll not get this big head back in the fucking car.
(audience laughing)
Went back in, came back out in the second one,
I said, this is the second one,
what do you think of this one?
And he went, it's nice.
(audience laughing)
♪ I feel so pretty ♪
(audience laughing)
Went back in, came out in the third one,
I said, this is the best one, this is my favourite one,
I've saved the best 'til last,
what do you think of this one?
And he went, yeah, yeah, you could wear that one outside.
(audience laughing)
What did you think the other two were, fucking nighties?
(audience laughing)
So I should have learned from that experience,
but I had not learned from that experience,
we went out, in John Lewis, in the homeware section
on my birthday and he is three or four paces
behind me playing on his phone like a petulant teenager,
and I turned round and I said, oh this isn't on.
He said, what's the matter with you?
I said, no, this is my birthday, you need to pay attention.
You need to be interested in things,
you need to be present.
And he said, sorry love, and he put his phone in his pocket.
He said, what are we looking at?
Show us what we're looking at.
And I said, I've been looking at the duvet covers
and I've found one that I liked,
it was nice and bright and flowery
and I said, I like this one, what do you think of that one?
And he looked at it and he went,
that's horrible. (audience laughing)
And I thought, well I did ask for your option, I suppose.
Maybe you should get your fucking phone out again.
(audience laughing)
I said, I like it, what's horrible about it?
And he looked at it again and he went,
it's loud, it's gaudy, it's for children.
And he must have seen my face just drop,
'cause this is not what my birthday was supposed to be,
and he wanted to fix it 'cause he is a lovely man
after all and he was so convinced
that the next thing he said was gonna make everything okay.
(audience laughing)
He just went, it's very you though, love.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk, thanks.