But maybe you should buy Powerball tickets this year
because it seems 2016 is when long shots just might pay off.
Bernie Sanders is within striking distance
of Hillary Clinton in both Iowa and new Hampshire.
WOMAN: Sanders, also, outperforming Clinton
in hypothetical matchups against the Republicans.
WOMAN: In the last quarter, he raised $33 million,
just four million shy of Secretary Clinton.
MAN: Despite Clinton raising $112 million,
she's worried about a surging Sanders.
Ah, yes, a surging Sanders.
Something tells me
you don't want to search that on
You know, a surging Sanders--
it's when you come out of nowhere.
-As a... -(laughter)
As Sanders catches up with,
and even surpasses Hillary Clinton
in Iowa and new Hampshire polls,
you might be wondering, who is this rising new,
yet old force in the Democratic Party?
And so, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
we present
You see, Sanders was born in Brooklyn in 1941
and raised by his parents--
a Che Guevara poster and a scratchy wool sweater.
A turning point in Sander's life came as a teenager
when he was bitten by a radioactive senior citizen,
giving him the power to be as grumpy as ten old men.
Sanders soon moved to Vermont, launching his political career
by running as an independent for mayor of Burlington.
He won that race and later ran for congress, and won that, too.
The he ran for senate, and won that.
If he didn't get into politics,
he probably would have won
And you think this is a joke,
but Bernie Sanders released an actual folk album in 1987
titled
SANDERS (speaking song): ♪ As I went walking ♪
♪ That ribbon of highway ♪
♪ I saw above me that endless skyway ♪
♪ I saw below me that golden valley ♪
♪ This land was made for you and me. ♪
(laughter, applause and cheering)
That is amazing! That is...
And that is real, by the way.
That is Bernie Sanders,
and that is a real song that he made.
Even if he does become president,
I hope he doesn't give up singing.
No, we need more Bernie Sanders covering songs!
You know, can you just imagine...
(as Sanders speaking song): ♪ Hello from the other side ♪
(laughter)
♪ Hello! Can you hear me from the other side? ♪
Where are the buttons on this thing?
So that's where Sanders came from.
Now, the big question is, what does Sanders believe in?
What is his vision for America?
Well, let's start at the beginning.
Bernie Sanders described himself as a Democratic Socialist,
a phrase that, to some, suggests slave labor camps,
but that's not what Bernie Sanders stands for.
That is wrong, because he's a
So he will let us vote for who runs the labor camps.
(laughter)
Actually, Sanders' brand of socialism means
policies like breaking up the largest banks
to protect Americans from massive potential bailouts,
and also allowing the post office
to do some basic banking services.
Now, this is a great plan
because this would help lower-income people
get basic banking services from the government,
instead of expensive check-cashing stores.
And it would also encourage people to save,
because if they wanted to withdraw their money,
they'd have to stand in a 45-minute line
behind people trying to mail their jugs of kerosene
in a building that's only open from 11:00 a.m. to 1:35!
(laughter)
What the hell's wrong with the post office?!
I'm never on time.
Probably the main reason for Sanders' growth is the fact
that he's outspoken about wanting to help the middle class
at the expense of the rich.
I want to expand Social Security,
and we do that by lifting the cap on taxable income
for people earning above $250,000 a year.
Rebuilding our crumbling infrastructure.
...will be paid by doing away with the loophole
that allows corporations to stash their money
in the Cayman Islands tax-free.
I want Wall Street now
to help kids in this country go to college.
It is time that Wall Street, corporate America
and the billionaire class understand
that they are going to start paying
-their fair share of taxes! -(cheers and applause)
It's weird. I can't picture Bernie Sanders whispering.
-(laughter) -I just...
(as Sanders, loudly): I want to tell you a secret!
-(laughter) -So, yeah, that's what he wants--
more taxes for corporate America and the billionaires,
which I support, unless I win Powerball.
Then boo! Boo!
'Cause I worked for that money!
So many on Team Sanders seem to think
that his social programs can be paid entirely
by the one percent,
but it's way more complicated than that.
The
that the cost of Sanders' social programs
will average $1.8 trillion a year.
And in 2013, the top one percent only made $1.7 trillion.
Although that's according to a low-end estimate
that only includes people who filed tax returns.
Since there's 20 to 30 million people
who don't file their returns, that means
the top one percent would include more income.
Also, the 1.7 trillion estimate only accounts
for adjusted gross income.
And I feel like I've...
Have I lost you guys? Uh...
(laughter)
What I'm trying to say is,
Bernie Sanders wants rich people to pay more elephants.
(laughter and applause)
That's-that's what I'm trying to say.
(applause and cheering)
Although, if you ask me personally,
I think Bernie Sanders' popularity
has nothing to do with policy.
I think it's because he's opposite Trump.
You see, the world craves balance.
Bernie is the yen to Trump's racist yang.
(laughter)
Even their origin stories are the same.
Both grew up from New York City,
and both inherited something from their fathers.
My then wife and I-- we had a little bit of money.
My dad had passed away, left a few thousand dollars.
I started off in Brooklyn.
My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.
-(laughter, applause) -Yeah, yeah.
It's exactly the same.
A small loan of a million dollars.
And this is what I love about American fathers.
They leave their sons with some cash money.
African fathers--
they leave you with nothing but a bunch of dreams.
(laughter and groaning)
There's also one other huge similarity.
The issue is the huge amounts of money
that it takes to run a campaign.
-I have a huge company. -Huge issue.
I'm a huge Second Amendment person.
Huge tax break.
Huge problem at the border.
Just think of it-- Trump versus Sanders.
That would be...
-Magnificent. -Enormous.
-Humongous. -Big!
So close.