You know what drives me crazy about the economy
is when they talk about it on the news.
They act like everybody's rich.
You notice that? Where they'll be like,
"Global economic meltdown.
Is your money safe?"
What, do you mean the $43 I have in my checking account?
It should be okay.
Thank you.
Then you turn the channel and they're like,
"Has the value of your property gone down?"
Huh.
I don't know.
Let me ask my goddamn landlord.
You know what the worst part of having a landlord is?
People think it's the money; it's so not the money.
Worst part of having a landlord
is having to call the landlord
"landlord."
It's a bit of an exaggerated title, isn't it,
for a guy who rents out rooms to strangers for money?
Landlord?
Like there's something medieval about the whole thing?
Whenever I see my landlord now, just to mess with him,
I'm always like, "Milord.
"Milord, I come to thee
"from the kingdom of Apartment 4J.
"Milord, if you wouldn't mind
"taking off your cape,
I need you to unclog m' toilet."
Yeah.
I watch the news a lot-- too much.
Uh, yeah, the news is (bleep).
Um, CNN is my network 'cause, 'cause CNN,
even when it's bad news, it's kind of good on CNN.
But you know who's got the saddest news on Earth?
You ever accidentally watch that British news?
Know what I'm talking about-- that BBC News,
those sad-ass British accents on there?
Just the way they pronounce countries on there
bums me out, like...
(in British accent): Afghani-stan.
Ugh.
Like, they could make any news story sound sad
on the BBC, like...
"Today packs of wood nymphs traveled
"the hillsides of New Jersey
handing out chocolate chip cookies and (bleep) jobs."
We got to stay out of New Jersey.
Jesus.
Lot of time on the Internet as well.
I heard about this Web site recently called,
called It Gets Better.
You guys know what this is?
All right, if you don't know what it is, it's a Web site,
uh, where gay teenagers that are getting bullied
by Tracy Morgan-- kidding.
"I'm gonna stab you."
I'm kidding.
No, gay teenagers that are getting bullied at school--
they can go online and adult gay celebrities
have little videos for 'em going, like, "Hey,
"I know you're getting bullied now, but just so you know,
it gets better."
Which sounds nice, but it's actually
just some empty Hollywood stuff
'cause if I was one of the gay kids, I'd be like,
"So, celebrity, you can't help me today?"
Celebrities are like, "Today?
"No, we're afraid of the bullies as well,
but best of luck to you."
You know what Web site would be
way more effective than It Gets Better?
Web site called It Gets Worse
where all the people that were super-popular in high school
had to leave videos about what losers they became
later on in life.
Wouldn't that be great?
Yeah.
Actually, wait, they have that.
It's called Facebook.
Bang! Bang!
So the, uh, there was some music award show recently--
the Songies or something, uh...
I'm so-- are you not sick of these music shows,
these award shows?
It's like there's, like, no good songs,
then they're just giving them awards.
Like, let's give Ne-Yo a prize.
Let's not, um...
So, so, uh, you know what else drives me crazy about that?
Remember when people used to just do their songs
on these shows and get offstage?
That's not enough for these egomaniacs.
They have to show us how hard they worked,
so, like, Usher will finish his song
and everyone's applauding, and instead of getting offstage,
Usher stands there and does this.
(breathing heavily)
It's like, "Usher, you lip-synched a song.
"You didn't witness a murder.
Get offstage."
Yeah.
Fellas, nobody-- no-- fellas, no woman on Earth
wants to look at her phone
and see a picture of your dick.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, ever.
Our bodies are disgusting.
They're not made to be photographed.
That's what women's bodies are for.
Women's bodies are beautiful.
They've got curves and padding
and their own cafeteria.
They have a lot happening.
Our bodies are not made to attract women.
Our bodies are made to see attractive women,
chase them down with our superior speed...
subdue them with our superior strength,
try to make a baby.
There we go.
(grunting)
This is the face I make.
(grunting)
I love you.
So, uh, so I'm single.
(crowd laughs)
(Brennan laughs)
No, I'm single, so girls will send me pictures
of their boobs sometimes, and it's the best.
It's the best.
That never happens to my married guy friends.
I shouldn't say it never happens.
My married guy friends-- their wives will send them
pictures of their boobs, but it's always with a note
that says, like, "I think my rash is back."
So girls will send me pictures of their boobs,
and then I got to send something back,
and this is about all we have to send,
so-- but, fellas, women don't want that.
They-- so put something in the frame,
if you're going to take a picture of it,
that women actually like.
Put, like, a scented candle down there...
or, like, a gift certificate for Sephora.
(women cheering)
Yeah, or like a bigger dick.
Something.
(laughs)
Women are sensual creatures, you understand me?
So, so they... they don't want the organ.
They want a hint
of sexuality, fellas,
so if you got abs, take a picture of your abs.
You know what else women like?
Women like this thing, whatever this is, the ramp.
(women cheering)
Yeah, the on-ramp to Dick City.
For the black girls, the D'Angelo muscle, huh?
(women cheering)
Yeah.
Yeah, this is romantic.
This is like
This is