It's hard to turn any cookie down, especially during the holidays.
Of course, we all have own opinions when it comes to food, but if we were assembling our
dream cookie platter, here's how it would go down, from worst to best.
The good thing about fruitcake is that it's pretty much indestructible.
"Your fruitcake just broke the blender…
My fruitcake just broke the blender."
That means that each December, after nobody eats your fruitcake cookies, you can pack
them up and put them away until the next year, again and again and again.
Those cookies just might outlive you, so be sure to pass them down to the grandkids.
"Put that cookie down.
Now!"
If you're still hellbent on making fruitcake cookies, and you actually want them to get
eaten, go heavy-handed with the booze and skip the technicolor jellied fruit that's
been sitting in the grocery store for five years.
Oatmeal cookies?
Yes, please.
Oatmeal raisin cookies?
Hard pass.
Sure, sure, raisins have some nutritional benefits, but do you know what happens when
you put them into cookies?
"They're crap.
Crap, crap, mega crap."
Raisins in foods are fine, provided they are only one component of a snack in which they
can easily be picked out.
For example, raisins in trail mix are tolerable because you can eat all the M&M's, and almonds,
and chocolate chips around them, successfully avoiding the shriveled grapes.
But raisins in cookies are not so easily avoidable, and that is why they should never be included
in otherwise delicious desserts.
Try as you might, it's just not possible to nibble around every single raisin in a cookie,
and inevitably your perfectly chewy bite of cookie is interrupted by something you just
want to get out of your mouth.
These classic holiday cookies are, in theory, not so bad.
Buttery shortbread bites topped with sweet, fruity jam?
That's a tasty combination, to be sure.
The problem with these thumbprint jam cookies, though, is that there's no peanut butter,
and where there is jam there should always be peanut butter.
Unfortunately, until peanut butter and jelly thumbprints start showing up more frequently
at cookie exchanges, this Christmas treat will remain firmly near the bottom of the
list.
Rum balls are the amateur baker's dream.
In fact, there's no baking required at all, which earns these cookies some serious points.
And there's no doubt that rum balls are tasty little morsels, unless they're rolled in coconut.
Tasty as they may be, though, it's the holidays, and everyone is ready for a little Christmas
cheer.
Rum balls are really just a subpar cookie that tease you with booze.
If you want the best of both worlds, just eat normal cookies and pour yourself a glass
of that holiday cheer instead.
Sugar cookies are the quintessential Christmas treat.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a standard sugar cookie.
In fact, they're practically required on a holiday cookie platter.
Plus, they contain no weird ingredients, and — this is a big one — you can buy the
dough already made, slice it into cookies, and pass them off as homemade.
If you really want to go crazy, bust out the cookie cutters and roll out the store-bought
dough to make snowflakes and Santas.
But be warned: The minute you try to fancy up those oh-so-easy-to-make sugar cookies
with royal icing, all hell will break loose.
Suddenly your perfect treats have turned into a Pinterest fail and your kitchen is splattered
with seven different colors of food dye.
The chances of your decorated masterpieces turning out perfect are slim to none, and
besides, royal icing doesn't even taste good anyway.
Although the recipe for snickerdoodles is similar to sugar cookies, it's cream of tartar
that's responsible for turning a regular ol' sugar cookie into a pillowy soft snickerdoodle
with a slight tang and that texture we all know and love.
"Snickerdoodles.
I’ll take 9!"
Other than their perfect texture and superior flavor, this holiday staple has one more very
important thing going for it: Unlike with sugar cookies, there is absolutely no decorating
skill required when making snickerdoodles, which eliminates the inevitable disappointment
you'll feel.
There's just something about peanut butter cookies they're fairly basic, yes, but in
such a good way.
Maybe they're rolled in sugar, maybe not.
Doesn't matter they're great either way.
Maybe they're made with creamy peanut butter, or maybe it's crunchy.
This doesn't matter either — both taste good.
The standard pattern on top that's made with the tines of a fork is nothing fancy, but
it's all this cookie needs.
In other words, there isn't anything bad to say about this classic.
You know it's Christmastime when the tins of food start showing up in stores.
Trio of flavored popcorn?
It's December, alright.
The iconic blue tin of Royal Dansk Danish butter cookies?
The holiday season is definitely upon us.
For some reason, the food in those tins just tastes better.
And yes, every cookie in that tin does taste generally the same, but we all still have
our favorite.
For some sad reason, peanut butter blossoms don't seem to pop up much from January to
November.
It's a real tragedy, because this sweet, salty, chocolaty treat has a lot to offer.
First, you've got the perfectly soft, perfectly chewy peanut butter cookie, which we've already
established as being one of the best year-round cookies out there.
But then, to take things to the next level, you've got the milk chocolate kiss pressed
into the middle of that soft and chewy cookie.
Since it's fresh from the oven when you do that, the kiss melts ever-so-slightly into
the warm baked dough.
In other words, peanut butter blossoms are utter perfection.
"Perfection."
A soft, chewy gingerbread cookie full of rich molasses and spice just screams holiday season.
The flavors are synonymous with Christmas, and when those cookies are in man form, it's
hard to come up with a more festive treat.
At most holiday get-togethers, they're inescapable.
The only problem with gingerbread men is that things can go south in a hurry when you start
the decorating process, much like sugar cookies.
No, gingerbread cookies should be enjoyed in their purest form, without any embellishments.
If you've really got the cookie decorating itch, just buy a gingerbread house that you
were never going to eat anyway, and go to town.
But definitely make a batch of cookies, too.
Why would you exclude the best cookie of all from your holiday baking?
Christmas or not, an expertly made chocolate chip cookie is king, and surely Santa Claus
himself would agree.
In fact, a cookie plate without chocolate chip cookies would most definitely earn you
a spot on the naughty list.
Slightly crisp around the edges, a little chewy in the middle it's truly perfection
in cookie form.
There's only one way a chocolate chip cookie can be improved upon, and that's when they're
eaten hot from the oven, in all their melty chocolate glory.
Sure, you run the risk of incurring a serious stomach ache from all the cookies you end
up eating, but that's a small price to pay for such a heavenly experience.
"I'm sick, I don't know why?"
"Did you consider the 60 inch cookie diameter cookie you’re eating?”
“how can something that's delicious make me sick?"