- SOMEONE RECENTLY ASKED ME WHO MAKES ME LAUGH,
AND THE PERSON WHO MAKES ME LAUGH
MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD IS ME,
BUT ANOTHER PERSON THAT ALWAYS TICKLES MY FUNNY BONE
IS MELISSA MCCARTHY.
AND HERE ARE A COUPLE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS WITH HER.
I UNDERSTAND WE BOTH ENJOY MOVING A LOT.
- YES, MY POOR, POOR HUSBAND
DOES NOT ENJOY IT THE SAME WAY I DO...
- OH, THAT'S A SHAME.
- BUT, YEAH, I CAN'T-- I COULD NEVER EVEN
THINK ABOUT, LIKE, A HOUSE THAT'S FULLY DONE.
- WOW, SO--
- I WANT TO, LIKE, REDO EVERYTHING.
- DO YOU ENJOY THE CONSTRUCTION PART OF IT
OR THE DESIGNING INSIDE PART?
- YES. - MM-HMM.
- ALL OF IT. YEAH, IT NEVER ENDS.
AND WE'RE PUTTING UP A FENCE IN FRONT, AND--
WHICH I HAVE--I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO KEEP
THE SAME GUYS THAT ARE ALWAYS HELPING ME
AND DO A GREAT JOB 'CAUSE I'VE--
- WHY IS THAT?
- WELL, I DID A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT'S A BIT ODD.
I WAS COMING DOWN--
IT HAS TO START WITH SPANX, SO I APOL--
OKAY, I'LL JUST START AT THE BEGINNING.
I WAS TOLD TO BRING IN THESE SPANX--
WE ALL--A LOT OF US WEAR THEM OCCASIONALLY FOR SOME THINGS.
- WAIT A MINUTE. TOLD TO BRING THEM IN TO WORK?
- WELL, THERE'S A CERTAIN KIND THAT I LIKED,
AND THEY KEPT SAYING, "JUST TELL ME THE--
I NEED THE STYLE NUMBER. WILL YOU BRING THEM IN?"
AND THEN, LIKE, TWO WEEKS GO BY,
AND I KEEP FORGETTING, AND I FEEL LIKE A DINGBAT.
SO I'M IN MY ROOM GETTING READY FOR WORK,
AND I SEE THEM, AND I WAS LIKE, "JUST PUT THEM ON.
"CLEARLY YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM AND PUT THEM IN YOUR PURSE,
"SO YOUR PUNISHMENT IS TO JUST PUT THEM ON
AND WEAR THEM IN TO WORK."
SO I GET READY, AND I ALWAYS LEAVE FOR WORK
KIND OF LIKE A SHERPA.
I HAVE, LIKE, A BAG OF THIS,
A BAG OF THINGS I THINK I'M GONNA GET DONE WHICH DON'T.
I JUST CARRY IT BACK AND FORTH FROM WORK--FROM WORK TO HOME.
SO I HAVE, LIKE, THREE BAGS, THREE BAGS.
I HAVE A MESSENGER BAG ACROSS ME.
AND I'M COMING DOWNSTAIRS,
AND THE GUYS ARE OUT FRONT BUILDING THE FENCE.
AND IT'S KIND OF SPRINKLING OUT, SO I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE THEM.
IT WAS SO NICE.
AND I'M COMING DOWN THE STAIRS,
AND I WAS LIKE, "WHICH BAG IS PULLING SOMEWHERE?"
LIKE, IT'S PULLING A SWEATER, AND I'M--
LIKE, I CAN'T EVEN LOOK TO SEE WHAT'S PULLING ME
BECAUSE I'VE GOT TOO MANY BAGS.
AND SO I COME DOWN THE STAIRS, AND I SEE THE GUYS.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, GOOD MORNING, GUYS."
AND THEY'RE JUST LIKE...
AND I THINK THEY'RE ACTING WEIRD.
AND I WAS LIKE, "GOD, DO THEY THINK
I'VE MADE THEM BE HERE ON A RAINY DAY?"
I'M THINKING IT'S ABOUT THE RAIN.
AND THEN I'M STANDING THERE, AND I HAVE ALL THESE BAGS,
SO I'M KIND OF SHIFTING BACK AND FORTH,
AND I'M CHATTING, AND I'M LIKE,
"THE FENCE IS LOOKING GREAT."
IT'S REALLY"--
AND THEY'RE ONLY LOOKING, LIKE, TOP OF HAIR AND UP.
AND IT'S REALLY ODD 'CAUSE THEY'RE ONLY DOING THIS.
AND NOW I'M LOOKING AT MY ROOF
'CAUSE I THINK, LIKE, "WHAT'S UP THERE?
"LIKE, IS THERE SOME--
IS THERE, LIKE, A CAT ON THE ROOF?"
AND SO I'M LINGERING.
I'M NOW TURNING AROUND FULLY.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, I THINK--
I'M STANDING THERE, AND I GO TO REARRANGE A BAG,
AND I LOOK DOWN.
MY SWEATER IS NOW UP AROUND HERE.
NOTHING BUT FLESH-COLORED SPANX.
- WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS? - I SEE--
OH, I'LL GET THERE.
FLESH-COLORED SPANX.
I SEE BARE KNEECAPS.
AND THEN MY PANTS ARE SOMEWHERE, LIKE, LOW CALF.
AND I'M NOT KIDDING.
IT WAS HORRIFYING.
AND THESE POOR GUYS WERE LIKE...
AND I'M SITTING THERE.
I'D BEEN, LIKE, SHIFTING BACK AND FORTH.
I'M LIKE-- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND I'M TURNING AROUND LIKE--
AS IF THIS WASN'T ENOUGH, I WAS LIKE,
"YOU BETTER CHECK THIS OUT."
- LAST TIME MELISSA WAS HERE, I SAID THAT I WANTED TO BE
IN THE SEQUEL TO "BRIDESMAIDS," SO I WROTE UP A LITTLE SCENE,
AND WE'RE GONNA PERFORM IT FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
BY THE WAY, MELISSA HAS NOT SEEN ANY OF IT,
BUT I THINK SHE'S GONNA BE OKAY.
[cheers and applause]
OKAY.
HURRY, MEGAN, WE HAVE TO GET TO YOUR WEDDING
SO THAT YOU CAN MARRY THE AIR MARSHAL
THAT YOU MET ON THE PLANE IN THAT FIRST MOVIE.
- I KNOW, JANET, MY LONG-LOST SISTER.
- I'M SO HAPPY WE FOUND EACH OTHER.
I KNEW YOU HAD TO BE MY SISTER
THE SECOND I ACCIDENTALLY HIT YOU WITH MY CAR.
- ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.
WE NEED TO GET TO MY WEDDING AND FAST.
- HEY, WATCH OUT FOR THAT LOW--THAT BRANCH.
CAREFUL.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
YOUR WEDDING IS GONNA BE SO BEAUTIFUL,
AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US FROM GETTING THERE.
- NOT EVEN THAT GIANT PILE OF LEAVES?
- NOT EVEN THAT.
- OH, MY GOD!
WHAT ARE THOSE?
- OH, MARTY, IT'S GOOD LUCK TO GET ATTACKED BY BATS
ON YOUR WAY TO THE WEDDING.
IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
[bats squeaking]
- MOTHER OF MR. BOJANGLES.
- RELAX. THEY'RE GONE.
BRANCH.
- OH, MY GOD.
IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE FINISH LINE OF A MARATHON.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S GOOD LUCK.
[horns honking]
- YOU FEEL A STORM COMING ON?
- NO, BUT IT SURE LOOKS FOGGY
OVER THERE ON YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET.
WELL, THIS IS SO WEIRD.
WHY IS THERE A PERFUME TESTER OUT HERE?
THAT'S WEIRD, TO HAVE A PERFUME TESTER OUT HERE.
- OH!
WHAT'S EVEN WEIRDER IS, SHE'S COMING BACK BY YOU.
- NO.
- SHE'S COMING BACK BY YOU.
- NO, SHE'S NOT.
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DRIVING
SO CLOSE TO AN OPEN FIRE HYDRANT.
- OH.
OH, I'VE GOT BAD NEWS.
LOOK AT THOSE CLOUDS.
THEY LOOK LIKE RAIN CLOUDS.
- OVER BOTH OF US, I HOPE.
WELL, JUST AS LONG AS THERE'S NO HAIL
THE SIZE OF PING-PONG BALLS.
- OH, I DON'T THINK THERE COULD BE.
OH, LOOK, WE MADE IT.
LET'S GO GET YOU MARRIED.
BRANCH.
[dramatic music]
[cheers and applause]