Now it's time for Arts and Crafts,
where we learn how to make...
spooky crafts!
Let's go to our pumpkin.
Step one -- carve a hole.
-Step two -- wait behind it.
-Liberace!
-You're watching TV Land.
At 11:00.
On a Friday night.
Think about it.
-And now, Colgate presents
"Vincent Price's Halloween Special."
Now, please welcome your host, spawn of Moloch,
Vincent Price!
-[ Laughing evilly ]
[ Elevator whirring ]
All Hallow's Eve --
When the minions of Samhain come back --
[ Elevator stops ]
Guys, I'm not fully up yet.
You gotta keep pressing the -- the thing.
[ Elevator whirring ] To reek havoc on the living, and --
Guys, wrong way. Wrong way!
Up, up, up, up! Guys!
[ Elevator bangs, whirring stops ]
Guys, what's going on?
Broken? Seriously?!
Fine, hold on a second.
[ Grunts ]
Alright. Well, thank you all for --
[ Elevator whirs ] Guys, I'm out. Stop it!
Thank you,
and welcome to my Halloween special!
Tonight, prepare yourself for a night of spooks and scares,
as we have invited over
some of our most famous friends for some tricks...
and also some treats!
They've all agreed to wear costumes,
so see if you can recognize them.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Let's see who's at the door.
I hope it's not a pirate and a spooky space man.
[ Door creaks ]
From the film "Sunset Boulevard," Miss Gloria Swanson!
And from "Lolita," Mr. James Mason!
-I'm a pirate.
Arrr.
-Pirate?
I don't really see a lot of effort
as far as dressing like a pirate goes.
I thought we agreed you would wear a costume.
I'm a pirate. Can't you tell?
It's about the acting -- I'm an actress.
That's what I do, and when I say I'm a pirate,
I'm a pirate. Arr!
-Yeah.
She's a pirate, Price.
My Jolly Roger was at full-mast the whole drive over.
Mmm.
-Arrr. -Okay. Very nice.
No space-man costume, James?
-No, didn't even open the box. Too old-fashioned.
-The suit was too old-fashioned?
-No, I had two old fashions, and I couldn't open the box.
I've been drunk since 11:00 a.m., Price!
-Please, James, family show.
-Understood.
Say, where are the whores?
-Jeezy-creezy, James!
Gloria, what's going on over there?
-Get off my pirate ship, or the girl dies!
-Say, Vincent,
do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?
I pissed myself on the way over here.
Pretty numb down there,
so I only know it when it hits my ankles.
Gloria, another drink?
-No more drinks! No more drinks!
Please.
[ Organ music playing ]
Now I'd like to introduce our most horrifying songsmith.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the ghost of Liberace!
[ Piano playing ]
-Thank you.
Well, before I start my song, I wanna show y'all something.
This is a trick-or-treat bag
that was given to me by the president of Argentina.
Now, as you can see,
it's covered in sapphires and topaz.
-Where's the ghost costume, Liberace?
-Ghost? I thought we agreed on
restoration France by way of Atlantic City.
-Save your sassy asides for your windowless bars!
Now, prepare your ears for a truly horrifying performance.
I shall recite Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven,"
while Liberace provides haunting accompaniment.
[ Dramatic piano music begins ]
"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I ponder weak and weary.
[ Music becomes upbeat ] Over a many quaint
and curious volume of forgotten lore --"
Haunting, Liberace. Haunting!
[ Upbeat music continues ]
"While I nodded nearly --"
Guys...
Is this music working for you?
Because it is not working for me.
-Uh, I have some issues with the lyrics.
-Mm, yes, same here, Vincent.
That's a real downer.
Gloria and I could use something a bit more upbeat.
Do you know this one?
"There once was a girl named Regina."
-Stop -- family show!
-You don't even know where it's going!
-All the same.
-Vagina.
-Wonderful.
Let's move on to our pumpkin-carving contest.
Ready, Gloria?
And she's eaten the pumpkin.
-Arrr.
-That's great.
Just great.
Didn't wanna throw the brakes on that, James?
-Yeah, well, what can I say, Vincent?
I've never seen anyone put something that big down so fast.
-I have!
-Cool it, Liberace!
[ Doorbell rings ]
Ah! Local children!
Children!
I'm reminding all of you...
Children.
Especially...
all of you.
Alright, let's answer the door.
Ooh, yay, yippee.
[ Door creaks ]
-Trick or treat! -Trick or treat!
-Aww, what are you supposed to be, young lady?
-I'm a princess.
-Oh, how adorable.
-And you, young man.
I imagine you're dressed as some brand of homosexual.
-You're mean! I want my mom!
-That makes two of us. [ Chuckles ]
Tell her to bring a lady friend
for my friend Liberace over here.
-[ Scoffs ] Oh, I'm good.
[ Laughs ]
-Kids, no don't go.
Thanks, James.
Now I'm going to wake up in the morning
with a house covered in toilet tissue.
Let's wrap it up!
[ Organ plays, elevator whirs ]
You have just partaken in a celebration most foul,
where phantasms and wraiths --
You wanna clear frame there?
Just wanna...
...wander the earthly plane
in search of vengeance upon the living and --
[ Elevator stops ] Guys, I thought we had this thing fixed.
Oh, great. Oh, great.
Oh, well. Have a happy Halloween, everybody!
[ Yelps ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-This has been "Vincent Price's Halloween Special."
Thanks for watching!
-You're watching TV Land
in the common room at a nursing home.
Up next, "Vincent Price's 1960 Halloween Special."
-[ Laughs evilly ]
Once again, it's that time of year
when the tombs come open
and the spirits rise from their graves.
It --
Am I in the shot?
Hello, the talking skeleton doesn't work if I'm in the shot.
What's rehearsal even for?!
Go to the open!
-And now, Colgate presents
"Vincent Price's Halloween Special."
Now, please welcome your host, Prince of Hades,
Vincent Price!
-This evening, the Price mansion is transformed
into a house of spooky horrors,
and I've asked some of my famous friends to bring by some treats
for the neighborhood boys and girls.
[ Doorbell rings ]
And our first guest is just arrived!
Hollywood legend, Judy Garland!
-Oh! Let me in! Let me in!
-What -- What's wrong, Judy?
-Oh, there's a tall scary man outside with a big green hat!
-Judy, that's a palm tree.
Okay, so, uh, did you bring us any candy?
-I brought M&M'S!
[ Rattling ]
-Judy, that's very clearly a bottle of pills
you've, uh, drawn "Ms" on.
-I drew "Ms" on them so I knew who they were for!
This one's for me.
And, oh, this one's for me.
This one's for me, too!
Oh, and this one's for me.
-Pace yourself, Judy. It's 7:30.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Another guest! Who could it be?
Well, it's none other than...
Democratic presidential nominee John F. Kennedy!
-It's, uh, good to be here, uh, Vincent.
-And, uh, who's your friend?
-Oh, uh, well, you told me to bring candy,
so I'd like to introduce you to Candy DiCenzo
of the Reno DiCenzos.
-[ Giggles ] You're so funny, Johnny.
-Oh, my God, man. You're running for President.
-Don't worry, Vincent. She's just my campaign manager.
-Oh. -And also a prostitute.
-No.
-Uh, say there, uh, Judy,
do you have any of those, uh, M&M'S for me?
The, uh, back pill kind?
-Oh, I do, but I don't have any water!
-Oh, no, that's okay. I can dry swallow.
-Don't say "swallow"!
[ Lively piano playing ]
Liberace.
You weren't invited this year.
-Oh, I couldn't miss a party, Vincent.
-Well, as long as you're on good behavior.
Did you bring us, uh, any candy?
-Well, aren't these lovely?
These are rum-and-Kahlua meringues.
They have a hard outer shell,
but if you work at it, you get a mouthful of cream.
[ Laughs ]
-Liberace.
Future President is here.
Senator, I apologize for my friend's behavior.
-Hmm, uh, this is a, uh -- a tough one, but, uh...
I'm gonna go with Judy.
-I'm a winner! -Oh, bust!
-Hit tracks, Candy.
-Jeezy-creezy, Senator. Voters are watching.
Well, now it's time for Arts and Crafts,
Where we learn how to make...
Spooky crafts!
Let's go to our pumpkin.
Step one -- carve a hole.
-Step two -- wait behind it.
-Liberace!
[ Laughter ]
Step two -- carve a spooky face with a big, wide mouth.
-The fewer the teeth, the better.
-Liberace!
Please stop.
Then, for a little fun, put a candle in the pumpkin.
-Uh, you know, there, for a lot of fun,
I like to, uh, put my candle between two pumpkins.
-Liber-- Senator!
I'm getting it from both sides.
-Been there, done that. -Been there, done that.
-I know.
Huh, now where were we?
-Uh, Vincent, uh, if I get elected,
Judy just had the best idea for my administration.
Tell -- Tell him, Judy.
-I think we should put a man on the moon!
-Isn't that wonderful.
-Man on the moon?
What -- What would they do?
-Oh, tell him, Judy.
-Isn't it obvious?
They'd -- They'd play golf!
-How great is that?
-I-It's not great. It's impossible.
-We do things not because they are easy,
but because they are hard.
-I do them because they're hard and easy.
-Alright, alright! New rule.
Careful what you say around Liberace.
He can twist anything.
-I can bend anything, too.
-[ Stammering ]
Arghh.
[ Mumbling ]
Moving on. It's time for our spooky science experiment.
Judy, can you be my volunteer?
-Love to!
-Put on the blindfold.
Now, put your hands in the first bowl.
-Oh. Oh!
-[ Trills ]
These are zombie brains!
-Oh, I don't like this! I don't like this at all!
-Oh, we're -- we're having fun --
Spooky fun here -- spooky fun, spooky fun.
All friends, now,
these are zombie eyeballs -- eww!
-Oh, why, this is the worst thing ever!
I'm going crazy, I tell you -- crazy!
Mickey Rooney!
-Mickey Rooney? She's flipping out.
Okay, look, look, look.
The brains were just spaghetti,
and the eyeballs were just grapes.
-Oh. -Uh, uh, that's right.
And this zombie finger here is, uh, just a sausage.
-Sausage?
There isn't a sausage!
Liberace!
-You've got my vote. [ Chortles ]
-That's it.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
That's it!
Why is your hand still in there, Senator?