Hey, this is Mat Boggs, and in this video, we’re going to be talking about how to get
your needs met from men without them feeling like you’re nagging or criticizing them.
It’s a great question that came in from Mylie, and Mylie writes, “How do you give
constructive criticism to your man without him feeling like he is being attacked or being
put down and not feeling like a man?”
Mylie, this is a great question that every relationship deals with this.
Women deal with this in giving feedback to men.
We deal with this in wanting to give feedback to our women.
So it’s important to have the skill set for how to navigate this kind of conversation.
And one of the best people on the planet is my wife.
She gives phenomenal feedback to me, quite often actually, to help me be a better partner,
to help me actually become a better version of myself.
So as I was talking to her about this and we were unpacking her system for how she gives
me feedback, because it’s pretty phenomenal actually, we came up with five steps.
So I’m going to give you five steps for how to give your man feedback so it doesn’t
feel like you’re nagging him or he’s being criticized and therefore shuts down and it
just creates a barrier between the two of you.
So step number one is to actually prime the interaction or the conversation.
What does “prime” mean?
“Prime” means get him ready for the request that you’re going to be making.
If someone’s prepared for something, they’re much more able to handle it than if they’re
not prepared and they’re feeling like they’re getting blindsided.
So, in other words, if someone gets blindsided, they have a tendency to get defensive, to
get reactive versus respond in their best self when they’re prepared.
So I’m going to give you a scenario.
Mylie, you didn’t actually tell me what it was you wanted different, so I’m going
to use a scenario from my life that happened recently.
My wife asked for me to put the toilet seat – not just the toilet seat, but the toilet
top – all the way down on the toilet.
And the reason being is because we have a one and a half year old who loves to explore
and put everything in her mouth, so it’s actually for her health that we’re putting
the toilet seat all the way down.
So priming can be done very easily.
All you have to do is use one of these two phrases to help prime your man: “Hey, babe.
Can I ask for your help with something?”
or, “Hey, babe.
Can I ask you for a favor?”
Just that sends a shot across the bow of the conversation letting us know, “Okay, she’s
about to ask us for something.”
Step number two is to celebrate your man.
Acknowledge him for all the things that he’s doing well because this will help open him
up.
Again, our great desire is to be enough for you, to be seen as a provider for your, to
do a good job for you.
So when you celebrate us, that helps open that feeling up in us.
So for example, my wife the other day said, “Hey, babe.
Can I ask for your help with something?”
And I knew something was coming.
I said, “Sure,” and she goes, “First of all, just let me say I love how much you
do around the house.
You’re always helping me, you’re always picking stuff up, and…”
And then she slid right into the request that she was making.
So she celebrated me for the things that I was doing well and then she used the conjunction
“and.”
Very important: when you celebrate your man and then you’re going to move into your
request, use “and” instead of “but.”
If you use the word “but,” it actually negates the very compliment that you gave
him.
So if my wife would’ve said, “You know, I love the things you’re doing around this
house.
You help me out with a lot but I really need X, Y, and Z,” it actually negated the compliment.
Internally, I don’t feel like it’s as strong.
So use “and.”
Celebrate him and use “and.”
Step number three is to simply state what it is that you want.
And you can use this phrase to start it out: “You know, I would really love it if…”
So in the case of my wife’s example, she started out by saying, “Hey, babe.
Can I ask you a for a favor?
Can I ask your help with something?
You do a lot around here.
I really appreciate everything that you’re doing and I would really love it if you would
remember to put down the toilet seat cover,” and then use the word “because.”
“Because” actually has influential power.
There’ve been all these studies done in social science when you use the word “because,”
and simply using that word has a significant effect on the person that you’re speaking
with.
So when you put “because” and a reason behind it, you’re much more likely to get
the desired result that you want.
So she said, “Would you please put the toilet seat down with the cover because we have a
one year old who loves to explore the world with her mouth.”
Right?
So that step number three is just asking for what you want and using the word “because.”
Even if you would just say, “Because it would mean a lot to me.”
If there’s no other reason than it would mean a lot to you, that’s a powerful reason
in and of itself.
Step number four is getting their agreement, okay?
Now it’s important to remember that just because you want something done a certain
way doesn’t mean that’s the right way to do it.
In relationships, there really is no right and wrong.
It’s like your way is right, his way is wrong, or his way is right and your way is
wrong.
It’s just different ways of being, different ways of doing something.
And so when you come with a state of being, it actually generates more respect in the
interaction, that you have a preference for a way that you would like it and so you’re
asking for that.
And step number four is to ask if he’d be willing to do that for you.
And using the phrase, “Would you be willing to do that for me?”
with eyes up, open-hearted, open space is an invitation for him to step in.
It’s an invitation for him to join you in this.
And men love to do things for their woman that end up making them happy.
It’s really important that you don’t be sarcastic: “So do you think you can do that
for me?
Like would you be willing to do that for us?”
That is not going to get you the desired results.
You cannot be condescending or sarcastic.
It has to be an open, vulnerable, sincere place of being from you.
And then step number five is to simply appreciate him, celebrate him.
So, you know, if you say, “Hey, would you be willing to do that?”
and he says, “Oh yeah.”
Like in my case, my wife said, “Would you be willing to do that?”
it’s like, “Oh, thank you for reminding me.
Yes, I would be willing to do that.”
And she came over and she gave me a big hug and she goes, “Thank you.
I appreciate you so much,” and gave me a big hug.
And the interaction went great.
It wasn’t defensive, it wasn’t critical.
She ended up getting something that I want, too, which is our daughter to live in a healthy
space and reminded me of something I was doing that wasn’t the best, and did it in a way
that created more love and connection between us.
So there you have it: five simple steps to help communicate with your man when you want
him to be different or give him feedback so that your needs and desires can be met and
you two can connect in a deeper way.
Now I would love to hear from you.
If you could wave a magic wand and have any need of yours met or have anything in your
relationship be different so that it’s a more positive experience for you, what would
that need be?
What need would you love to be met if you had a magic wand and you could just wave it
and say, “Hey, that is solved and done?”
Go ahead and post a comment below because I would love to hear that from you.
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And as always, there’s a link to a resources in this video.
Click that link.
It will help you expand the love in your life.
thanks so much for watching.
I’ll see you soon.