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- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
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because I put out videos on Mondays and on Thursdays
and I don't want you to miss out.
But let's jump into this question.
And the question is,
"Hey Kati, how can we better deal
"with a parent who has a mental illness?"
Thought this was a great question,
and growing up with a parent who has a mental illness
can be really hard.
It can be common for our needs to be completely neglected.
And we may even feel that we have to compete
with their symptoms in order to receive the care
that we so desperately need.
Although this is often portrayed in movies and TV shows
as these huge, traumatic events,
it's really much more common.
An ill parent will do small things,
each and every day, that can cause us pain
and leave us feeling completely unloved.
The most common issue
having a mentally-ill parent causes
is fear and shame.
Many reporting that they never knew when their parent
would be having a good day or a bad day.
Also, not wanting others in their life to know
that their parent is ill.
Or, even if they're receiving help,
they can be kind of embarrassed about that stuff.
And it can also cause us to fear starting our own family,
in case we pass on the genes of the mental illness
to our own children.
Another issue that this can cause,
is that we may end up having to raise ourselves.
Many parents who are depressed
or even those with bipolar disorder,
may not be well enough to care for us when we're little.
Therefore, if we are the oldest child,
then we may become parentified.
Meaning we take care of our younger siblings
and we become their parent.
And so we miss out
on having a childhood of our own, all together.
And if we're an only child,
we could have had to take care of our needs earlier
than we were actually ready to.
Some people even report that they felt
that they needed to be the parent for their own parent.
So they would get up early,
make breakfast for their mother or father,
do the laundry, all that stuff.
As a side note though, there are some positive components
to having a mentally ill parent.
A research study out of the University of Newcastle,
found that those who grew up in these types of families
were more empathic, compassionate, and resilient.
So in a way,
even though we didn't get all the love and support
we needed when we were young,
we understood why, potentially,
and we're able to grow from it.
Emotional incest is also very common
because if our parents stayed together,
the healthy parent could count on us
for love and support.
Now, just to make sure that we all understand
what emotional incest means,
otherwise known as covert incest,
is it's not an actual sexual thing.
However it is a type of abuse
in which a parent looks to their child
for the emotional support that would be normally provided
by another parent or another adult.
As I'm sure you can see,
having a parent with a mental illness
can lead to repeated trauma.
Many of my patients who lived in this type of home
never knew when they'd be yelled at, beaten,
or simply frightened by the actions of their parent.
And this can lead us to getting a diagnosis of C-PTSD
or complex post-traumatic stress disorder,
even struggling with insomnia,
having hyper-vigilance, or anxiety.
Since everywhere we turned we felt in danger,
having a mentally ill parent
can lead us to trying our best to be unseen or unheard.
And this can mean that we will isolate
as a way to ensure that we're safe and okay
or even being a great chameleon with others,
so that we don't stand out
'cause we don't want too much attention.
And while I can go on and on about all the ways
having a mentally ill parent can affect us,
let's get into the better news, that it can get better.
And the first thing that I recommend, get out.
Save up money, call that aunt, that friend, that grandparent
or whomever you can to get out of the house ASAP.
I know because of the nature of the issue
we can feel responsible for them,
but just remember they're supposed to take care of you.
That's their role, not the other way around.
Also, by moving out you're taking away the potential stress
that they may feel of having to care for you.
Even if they aren't able to,
they may feel the pressure to just try.
So, save up the money,
ask another family member or friend or someone
and do whatever you can to get out as soon as possible.
And number two, get professional support.
There are school counselors, EAPs,
which stand for Employee Assistance Programs,
where therapy is completely free.
There's also free clinics, there are so many options.
So please speak up and reach out for some support.
Since trauma is so common among those
who grew up with mentally ill parents,
the sooner we start unpacking all that we've been through,
the sooner we will start feeling better.
And also just consider seeing a psychiatrist,
if medication is something that you feel
could be beneficial for you.
And number three, support groups.
Al-Anon is a great resource
if you have a parent whose an addict,
whether they're addicted to alcohol or drugs.
It can be really beneficial to hear from other people
and to tell your story
or even just joining some family groups at local hospitals,
ones who have mental health wards
usually have these types of groups,
sometimes you just have to ask for it.
Or even caretaker groups can help sometimes
because the more we talk about what we went through,
share our story and receive help,
the sooner we will start feeling better.
Issues like these only thrive
when they're kept in secret, kept in the dark.
So make sure you speak up, share your story
and find out just how many others out there
have had situations like yours.
Trust me, you're never alone.
And four, if it's safe,
know that you can re-engage with your parent,
but first work with your therapist
to figure out what you're expecting of them
and then also what you believe they're able to give
because setting our expectations low
and making them achievable for our parent
only makes things easier
and prevents any further upset or trauma.
This is also a great time to set up some healthy boundaries
for yourself and your own recovery.
And last, just know that this video isn't meant
to demonize anybody or any parents with mental illnesses,
but when we don't get the treatment that we need
we know it can harm those around us,
especially those who depend on us for care and support.
Moving out and moving on does not make you a bad child,
it makes you resilient.
Remember they are the one
that's supposed to be caring for you,
not the other way around.
Don't let their illness get in the way
of you being able to live the life you deserve.
This video has been brought to you
by the Kinions on Patreon.
If you would like to support the creation
of these mental health videos,
click the link in the description and check it out.
And as always, leave in the comments
anything that you feel I missed.
Are there other issues that you struggle with
as a result of having a parent with a mental illness?
Are there other ways that you overcame it?
Let us know and we will keep working together
towards a healthy mind and a healthy body.
And I will see you next time, bye!