-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheers and applause ] Wow!
Oh, my gosh.
Well, guys, this is very exciting.
Today, New York ended its pandemic state of emergency.
It's over.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But, unfortunately, that also means
the end of to-go cocktails...
[ Audience boos ]
...marking the first time
anyone's been nostalgic for 2020.
It's too bad.
I'm really gonna miss seeing delivery guys
balance yardstick margaritas on their E-bikes.
Whoa-a-a-a.
Speaking of New York, the state
just suspended Rudy Giuliani from practicing law
'cause of...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...'cause of his repeated false and misleading statements
about the election.
Even Rudy was like, "What the hell took you so long?"
You know you've crossed a line when other lawyers are like,
"This guy lies way too much."
It's a mixed bag for Rudy.
The bad news -- he can't practice law in New York.
The good news -- he can't defend himself at his next trial.
Meanwhile, when the news about Rudy broke,
his son Andrew released a video statement.
Watch this.
-As you may have heard recently, a few minutes ago,
my father's law license was suspended
by the New York state
First Appellate Division of the Supreme Court.
This is unacceptable, and I stand by my father.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-The top 20% of his body stands with his father.
What did he use to film that? A truck's rear-view camera?
Like, " Just put it in reverse and hit 'record.'
Hey, I'll lay on the ground."
-[ Imitating backup signal ]
-Rudy saw his son giving a speech in a random parking lot
and was like, "I've taught him so well."
[ Laughter ]
Some more legal news.
A 49-year-old woman from Indiana
just became the first person to be sentenced
for storming the Capitol,
receiving three years of probation and a $500 fine.
Yeah, the woman said she learned her lesson
and hopes Trump pardons her
when he's reinstated as President in August.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, my goodness. Hey, here's some good news.
Today after meeting with a bipartisan group of senators,
President Biden finally announced
that they had a deal on infrastructure.
Yeah. right now, New Yorkers are thinking,
"Okay, now, team up, and let's save to-go cocktails.
Let's go. That's the real -- Let's get to the -- Come on!"
[ Applause ]
That's right, Republicans and Democrats working together --
amazing.
It's like one of those YouTube videos
of a lion making friends with a squirrel.
You know? It's possible.
The compromise was actually not that difficult.
All it took was hard work, determination,
and a blow dart to Mitch McConnell's neck.
[ Exhales sharply, groans ]
-"I've been hit."
-Well, the President held a press conference
to discuss the big infrastructure deal,
which brings us to a new piece called
"Joe Biden, Whisperer-in-Chief."
♪♪
-And he said, "People are waiting for relief."
[Whispering ] I got them $1.9 trillion of relief so far.
Just remind them, I wrote the bill on the environment.
[ Normal voice ] When employers can't find workers,
I said, "Yeah [whispering] pay them more."
[ Laughter ]
-What?!
-I love it.
-Wow.
-[ Laughing ]
-He closed by saying [whispering] "If you build it,
they will come."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Well, some business news.
After disappointing sales, Dunkin' Donuts
has pulled the Beyond Meat breakfast sandwich
from their national menu.
-Oh, come on!
-Yep. Dunkin' was shocked plant-based foods
didn't appeal to the same customers
who eat strawberry frosting for breakfast.
[ Laughter ]
Some more business news.
I read a headline today that kind of confused me.
It said, "T-Mobile released its own 5G-inspired gin,"
which brings us to a segment we like to call
"Uhh...I Have Some Questions."
-♪ I have some questions ♪
-First up, why is a phone company releasing its own gin?
Actually, hold on.
What does it mean to be "5G-inspired"?
Like, does the gin taste like a 5G network?
Wait, back up.
Where would I even buy T-Mobile gin?
Do I have to track down a T-Mobile store,
and, if so, do they offer unlimited gin plans?
Follow-up -- Is it cheaper if my whole family
is on the same gin plan?
But what if my wife doesn't like gin?
What if my kids love gin?
And again, what is "5G-inspired"?
I just have so many questions.
-♪ I just have so many questions ♪
-[ Laughs ]
-Oh, this is very interesting.
I saw that McDonald's is phasing out its value meals...
-Aww.
-...and shifting towards more expensive menu items.
It's already starting to feel different.
Just look at their latest commercial.
-Delight your senses at McDonald's.
Partake in the Superior Mac for $29.99.
Savor the Filet-Mignon-O-Fish for $37.50.
Or indulge in the golden crispiness
of Sir Ronald McDonald's Nuggets
with dipping sauces three --
Black Truffle Caviar, Sumptuous Fois Gras,
and, of course, Honey Mustard.
McDonald's -- ba da ba ba ba -- I'm enamored with it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm enamored. -I was enamored with it.
Wow.
-And finally, a new survey found that nearly half of American men
experimented with their look last year.
Experimenting with your look is one way of putting it.
I mean, guys were cutting their hair with nail clippers.