( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH!
>> Stephen: JON, LOOK WHAT WE'VE GOT COMING UP HERE.
WHO I'M TALKING TO IN JUST A MINUTE IS I HAVE THE WONDERFUL,
TALENTED, EMMY NOMINATED OSCAR WINNER MELISSA MCCARTHY IS
GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
EVERYBODY LOVES HER IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY.
SHE'S HERE IN A WAY WE'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED A GUEST BEFORE.
STICK AROUND, YOU WILL WANT TO SEE THAT.
JON, YOU'RE GOING TO THE EMMYS, RIGHT?
>> Jon: YES, I'M GOING OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO BE OUT THERE.
DO YOU WANT TO HANG AT ALL?
YOU CAN'T BRING A DATE BECAUSE OF COVID.
NOT EVEN ALL THE NOMINEES CAN GO.
EVIE CAN'T COME EVEN THOUGH SHE'S TECHNICALLY MY CO-HOST.
>> Jon: OH, MAN.
>> Stephen: SAD STORY.
I LIKE TO BRING THE AUDIENCE DOWN IN THE MIDDLE.
THAT'S MY GOAL, JUST TO BUM EVERYBODY OUT.
>> Jon: WE'LL HANG OUT.
>> Stephen: WE'LL HANG OUT?
>> Jon: YEAH, FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS GOOD.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A COUPLE OF HOURS!
>> Jon: RIGHT >> STEPHEN: Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME SOURCING THE DAY'S FINEST HONG-JOE SILK NEWS
STORIES, MOUNTING THEM ON THE MOST TOPICAL, PREMIUM,
POLYHEDRAL BAMBOO JOKE FRAME, DECORATING IT WITH ARTISANAL ASH
INK, INSERTING A HAND-POURED BEESWAX CANDLE, FILLING IT WITH
INTENTION AND SETTING IT ALOFT ON THE UPDRAFT OF AUDIENCE
LAUGHTER IN THE SPECTACULAR CHINESE LANTERN FESTIVAL THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I GO VISIT MY BUDDY, BARRACUDA AT THE
ABANDONED MALL, DROP A COUPLE HUNDOS ON SOME WET ROMAN
CANDLES, BENT SPARKLERS SMUGGLED IN FROM THE PHILIPPINES, AND A
FLARE GUN STOLEN FROM AN CRASHED COAST GUARD BOAT, THEN SET IT
ALL OFF IN THE DERANGED, UNREGULATED FIREWORKS ACCIDENT
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAPPY TO DO THIS.
THIS IS HAPPY, ANTIDEPRESSANT.
>> STEPHEN: MEANWHILE A 37-YEAR-OLD ITALIAN PASTRY
CHEF, IS BUILDING HIS OWN VERSION OF MIDDLE-EARTH, TO
ABANDON MODERN LIFE AND IS LIVING AS A HOBBIT.
COME ON, MAN -- A 37-YEAR-OLD BEING THAT OBSESSED WITH TOLKEN?
AND PLAYING DRESS UP TO FEEL A PART
OF MIDDLE EARTH IS A LITTLE SAD.
THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS ONLY APPROPRIATE FOR A 57-YEAR-OLD
MAN.
THE CHEF IS NICOLAS GENTILE SEEN HERE WEARING THE SAME NEW
BALANCES FRODO FAMOUSLY WORE IN THE BATTLE OF MOUNT FOOTLOCKER.
AND GENTILE IS COMMITTED.
HE BOUGHT A PIECE OF LAND IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, WHERE HE AND HIS
WIFE STARTED BUILDING THEIR PERSONAL SHIRE.
WOW, HE HAS A WIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ HE GOT A WIFE ♪
MEANWHILE, CROCS HAS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE CHANGING THEIR
CLOGS' INGREDIENTS TO BE BIOBASED BY 2022.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) A GREAT MOVE, BECAUSE CURRENTLY,
EACH INDIVIDUAL CROC IS WHITTLED FROM A BLOCK OF POLONIUM 210.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THERE ARE STILL MAJOR
OBSTACLES TO COLONIZING THE RED PLANET, AMONG THEM BEING THAT
MARTIAN SOIL DOESN'T CONTAIN THE RIGHT STUFF TO MAKE BUILDING
MATERIALS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE MAY BE A SOLUTION, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS ARE
SUGGESTING WE BUILD A MARS BASE OUT OF ASTRONAUT BLOOD.
I'M GUESSING THOSE SCIENTISTS ARE NOT ASTRONAUTS.
THIS INNOVATIVE IDEA COMES FROM LEAD RESEARCHER
DR. ACULA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHY BLOOD?
FANS OF DR. ACULA HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) WHY BLOOD, YOU'RE ASKING?
WELL, RESEARCHERS SAY THAT IT'S POSSIBLE TO USE A SPECIAL
PROTEIN FOUND IN HUMAN BLOOD AS AN IN VIVO BINDER TO CREATE A
KIND OF MARTIAN SOIL CONCRETE THAT CAN BE USED TO BUILD, OR 3D
PRINT, ENTIRE BUILDINGS.
I NOTICE THEY'RE NOT BEING SUPER SPECIFIC ABOUT HOW THEY'RE GONNA
HARVEST ENOUGH ASTRONAUT BLOOD TO 3-D PRINT ENTIRE BUILDINGS.
WELCOME TO YOUR FIRST DAY ON MARS.
HERE'S THE KEY TO YOUR ROOM.
BUT FIRST, WHY DONTCHA JUST HOP ON IN TO THE
OL' DISEM-BLOOD-INATOR.
AFTERWARDS YOU'LL GET A JUICE BOX AND A LORNA DOONE.
AND IT'S NOT JUST BLOOD.
SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THAT YOU CAN ALSO WHIP UP MARTIAN CONCRETE
WITH: URINE, SWEAT OR EVEN TEARS.
AND IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING TO COLLECT ENOUGH ASTRONAUT TEARS,
TRY TELLING THEM YOU'RE GONNA MAKE BUILDINGS OUT OF THEIR
BLOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
MEANWHILE...
PHILIP MORRIS INTERNATIONAL HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF AN ASTHMA
INHALER MAKER AFTER SECURING NEARLY 75% OF INHALER-MAKER
VECTURA'S SHARES, MAKING IT THE MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER.
THE WORST CONFLICT OF INTEREST SINCE EPIPEN WAS BOUGHT BY
MR. PEANUT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS LIFE-SAVING MEDICATION NOW AVAILABLE HONEY ROASTED.
MEANWHILE, CNN HAS DONE A DEEP DIVE INTO HOW, AND HOW OFTEN, TO
WASH TOWELS.
ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, BATH TOWELS SHOULD BE WASHED EVERY
THREE TO FIVE USES.
OR, FOR YOU COLLEGE STUDENTS, WHENEVER YOU HEAR THE TOWEL
WHISPERING (WHISPERS)
KILL ME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MELISSA MCCARTHY.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )