- A lot of them were in wheelchairs.
A lot had oxygen.
There were people on gurneys.
A lot had the girl with them.
It's like "Night of the Living Dead".
They're just...
(jazzy music)
Hi, this Jessica Kirson,
and this is a story about the time I bombed for dead people.
One of the worst gigs I ever did was in Florida.
I perform a lot in Florida for very old people.
Most of them are 80, 90.
Some have passed.
And I have to make them laugh and they don't look happy.
There's just hundreds of people with this face.
They just stare at you like that.
Just judging.
It's very hard.
"This isn't funny."
They actually yell out a lot.
"What is this?"
"Who hired her?"
"Who's this clown?"
The place sat 2,000 people.
But about 350 showed up.
I got to explain,
they walk in,
it's like "Night of the Living Dead".
They're just,
a lot of them where in wheelchairs.
A lot had oxygen.
There were people on gurneys.
A lot had the girl with them.
Normally they get there at about three p.m.
for an eight o'clock show.
And they have to talk about where they're sitting.
"I'm not sitting on the end seat.
"Let Herman sit on the end seat.
"He has the erectile problem.
"His penis fell off,
"let him sit on the end."
So I have to do these shows
and they're already really difficult.
I mean, it's like performing at a Shiva.
Some of you might not know what that is.
It's when you just eat a lot
and pretend like you care about someone.
So I did the show.
It was empty, which is very depressing.
You have to imagine this huge room
and there's only 350 people.
And like I said,
about, I don't know,
42 of them had passed.
So I already knew it was gonna be a nightmare.
And there were four male comics on before me.
And then I was on last,
which doesn't work with standup.
It doesn't work for a woman to go up last after four guys.
Especially with those people.
"Who is she?
"Is that someone's girlfriend or wife?
"Why is she standing there?
"Did someone leave a shoe?"
I was already tense about this
because this is who came to my show.
My three friends from college from my Jewish sorority,
who were like "Oh my god. "we're so excited to see you.
"You better be funny!"
And then Sarah Silverman texts me.
I know this sounds crazy, but she texts me and she's like
"My father's coming to your show at the cemetery."
I'm like "Don't have him come
"because you know it's gonna be a nightmare."
And she's like "Oh, he gets it, he gets it."
I'm like "Okay.
"Why is your dad coming to my show?
"This isn't even the one where I take my clothes off
"and the ping pongs and the whole thing.
"Your dad should come to that
"where I can just shoot a ping pong
"and then sign it for him.
"It's merch."
And then my grandmother was coming with her companion.
It's like a dog.
And then she brought four widows.
Just this group of old women and her boyfriend.
I think his name was Cancer.
So I go up,
and from the second I went up there,
it was a nightmare.
The only laugh I got was a cough.
Sometimes,
when you're doing these shows and you get a cough,
it means they're enjoying it.
You just have to know that's a laugh with that crowd.
(coughs) means that a punchline really worked.
Or if someone just goes (groans),
they're trying to say "This is really funny.
"But I'm dying so I can't really laugh
"because I may just drop dead right now during the show."
Or they'll actually sometimes say "Now that was funny."
That's a common thing.
What do you mean that was?
You don't even know where you are right now.
You think you're the next one to bowl.
I
did the show.
Nightmare.
Tried to go into the crowd.
Nothing.
Tried to do Jewish stuff just to make them laugh.
Nothing, just everyone staring.
People start walking out.
Which, again, takes forever.
Takes them five minutes to get out of the seat.
I've been doing this a very long time.
It was one of the worst shows I ever did.
There was nothing I could do.
It was horrible.
Half the crowd walked out or crawled
or just keeled over.
I just wanted someone to acknowledge it.
'Cause I was like "That was horrific."
So I get offstage and I talk to the male comics,
who were like "Whatever, man, it was fine.
"It was totally fine.
"You did a great job."
I'm like "No, I didn't!
"That was horrible!
"Can someone tell me how horrible that was?"
And then Sarah Silverman's father comes and he's like
"You did a good job.
"They were a hard crowd,
"but you did a really good job."
I didn't.
I didn't do a good job.
So, again now, someone's telling me it was okay
and it wasn't okay.
I knew it wasn't okay.
And then my sorority sisters come back they're like
"Oh my god,
"that was the funniest thing I've ever seen.
"That was like I could not stop laughing.
"That was so funny."
I'm like "Are you on acid?
"That was no okay."
And then they just started taking snacks
from the green room.
We take food whenever we can
in case we get taken away again.
And then my grandmother walks in.
Moving slow with this,
just the cast of "Cocoon".
So they all walk in one after the other with those faces.
Just walking in.
And I'm like,
I can't even believe I have to deal with this right now
after what happened.
But I still wanted someone to acknowledge how bad it was.
I don't even know if these people were alive or not.
One woman walked in and her hand fell off
and then her uterus came out.
And then none of them are even smiling.
They just saw a show.
I don't even know them and they're looking at me like this.
And my grandmother literally looks at me
and she goes "That was horrible!
"What the hell happened to you?
"You embarrassed me in front of all my friends!
"I've never seen you so bad!
"What the hell were you thinking?
"I came all the way to the show
"and you were horrific!"
And I was so grateful that she was honest with me,
because it was horrible and I gave her a huge hug.
Finally, someone's telling me how bad this was.
And then all of these old women just took all the snacks.
And they all started fingering each other.
And I was like "This is hot."
(jazzy music)