PBAT: All right, fuck Footrace with Koopa the Quick.
PBAT: It's actually footrace with, fuckin', Dunk and P.
DUNKEY: Except if you hit don't go--
DUNKEY: [ laughs ] Footrace with fuckin' nothing.
PBAT: You know what?! Fuck you!
PBAT: I was skipping through it really fast.
DUNKEY: Annnnnd SEE YA!
PBAT: No, that's not fair! DUNKEY: [ laughing ] See you at the finish line!
DUNKEY: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's not fair!
DUNKEY: That's not fair. Come back.
DUNKEY: Hit him!
DUNKEY: YEAH
DUNKEY: NOOO
[ Dunkey laughing ]
PBAT: Don't fuckin' get hit, J! DUNKEY: Come back!
PBAT: Don't get fuckin' hit! Where's your health?
DUNKEY: Well, if I don't win the race, I'm killing myself.
PBAT: OK.
PBAT: How about this:
PBAT: I'll give you a head start.
DUNKEY: SSSSSSSSSSEE YA!
DUNKEY: [ laughs ] I'm takin' the shortcut, baby!
PBAT: Have fun with that, with the camera like that.
PBAT: Oh god.
DUNKEY: Dammit!
DUNKEY: Are you kidding me?
PBAT: I think--I think-- DUNKEY: You fuckin' blew it.
PBAT: I think I blew this for both of us. DUNKEY: You fuckin' blew it.
PBAT: I think-- [ Dunkey sighs ]
PBAT: Don't you fuckin' breathe!
PBAT: OK. I'll distract the Chain Chomp, you go, fuckin', hit the fuckin' post. DUNKEY: No, no.
DUNKEY: No. I'll hit the post.
DUNKEY: And then I'll go--I'll go kill him. PBAT: Get the thing!
DUNKEY: I'm gonna go kill him.
DUNKEY: Come back here
DUNKEY: you ffffFFFUCKING COWARD COME BACK
PBAT: OK. Now listen to me. We're gonna race.
PBAT: WAIT here until I can move. [ Dunkey laughing ]
DUNKEY: Ah, yeah, I'll wait, man.
PBAT: Do NOT cheat. DUNKEY: I won't cheat, I won't cheat.
PBAT: OK. But promise me you won't cheat. DUNKEY: I promise I won't cheat.
PBAT: OK.
DUNKEY: SSSSSSSSEE YA!
[ Dunkey laughing ] PBAT: I'm not startin' it.
DUNKEY: Oh.
DUNKEY: All right, you can start it. I won't cheat.
PBAT: Oh, OK.
DUNKEY: SSSSEE YA! [ diabolical laughter ]
PBAT: You want me to start it? DUNKEY: Quick, start it, start it!
PBAT: I got it, hold on. DUNKEY: No, wait, actually...
DUNKEY: Actually, here I go. [ Pbat laughing ]
PBAT: Enjoy that, J. DUNKEY: I'm gonna go a little farther.
DUNKEY: I'm just gonna--
DUNKEY: All right, start it. This is fair.
PBAT: Yeah... DUNKEY: Start the race.
PBAT: Now, let ME get the star. DUNKEY: No, let ME get the star.
PBAT: Let me get the star. DUNKEY: Let me get the star.
DUNKEY: Here. I'm gonna get the star.
PBAT: All right, fuck this. I'm done.
[ Dunkey laughing ]
DUNKEY: I'm goin' in. PBAT: Don't go in it!
DUNKEY: I'm goin' in it! PBAT: Don't go in!
DUNKEY: [ laughing ] I'm goin' in.
DUNKEY: Here I go, baby.
PBAT: I want to see what the camera's like.
DUNKEY: All right.
DUNKEY: That's the camera.
[ Dunkey laughing ]
DUNKEY: DION, HELLO!
PBAT: I'M COMING, DICKHEAD!
DUNKEY: I don't have all day!
PBAT: Stop fuckin' the camera, dumbass!
DUNKEY: I don't have all day over here!
DUNKEY: Come on!
DUNKEY: [ laughing ] Come on!
PBAT: Thank you. Thank you. You're making this so much easier. DUNKEY: [ laughing ] Just come on!
DUNKEY: I don't have all day! PBAT: You're making it SO easy for us to complete.
DUNKEY: BBBBBLAST OFF!
DUNKEY: That's the one.
PBAT: That could be it, that could be it. DUNKEY: Get in there!
PBAT: That could be fuckin' it. DUNKEY: GET IN!
PBAT: That's it! DUNKEY: Get in there!
PBAT: NO THAT'S NOT IT
DUNKEY: BUUUUULLSHIT!
DUNKEY: BULL--
DUNKEY: I did it all by myself.
DUNKEY: WHAT?!
PBAT: It was me, J.
PBAT: I did it. [ both laughing ]
PBAT: Which one? DUNKEY: Owl level.
PBAT: I wanna go to the slide. DUNKEY: Owl level.
DUNKEY: We're goin' to the owl. PBAT: No!
PBAT: No! DUNKEY: Yeah, we're goin' to the owl.
PBAT: That's not what happens!
PBAT: WHAT?! [ Dunkey laughing ]
PBAT: No!
DUNKEY: We're goin' in mine, baby! PBAT: We're still goin' to the slide.
DUNKEY: No! Why is the camera on yours?!
DUNKEY: Just... gotta... PBAT: Who's gonna get in their game first?
DUNKEY: Just gotta navigate to the owl painting! PBAT: Who's gonna get in their fuckin' thing first?
DUNKEY: OK, go in there!
DUNKEY: Dammit!
PBAT: Nonono, let ME get on the slide. DUNKEY: Let me get on the slide.
PBAT: Nah, let me do the slide-- DUNKEY: Let me do the slide. I'm good at this.
DUNKEY: Let me do the slide. PBAT: Let me do the slide.
DUNKEY: Nonono-- PBAT: And don't fuck up the camera.
DUNKEY: Nonono, let me do the slide. PBAT: If we're gonna do this, at least stick together.
DUNKEY: All right, man.
PBAT: Hold on!
DUNKEY: See ya! PBAT: You're not even gonna be able to see yourself!
DUNKEY: [ laughing ] I'm gonna take the shortcut.
DUNKEY: Here. The shortcut's right...
DUNKEY: Right here. PBAT: If you're gonna fall off, let me fall off with you.
DUNKEY: JUST missed it.
PBAT: OK. Thank you. DUNKEY: Just barely missed it on that one.
PBAT: OK. Do the shortcut then. I'll follow you.
PBAT: Don't fuck it up, though. DUNKEY: And... shortcut is right...
DUNKEY: Riiiiight...
DUNKEY: Here! PBAT: OK.
DUNKEY: There it is.
PBAT: JASON!
PBAT: IT'S NOT WORKING!
PBAT: Hear me out: you stay here.
PBAT: I got this. DUNKEY: Actually...
PBAT: You're not staying. DUNKEY: Actually...
DUNKEY: I know a shortcut on this level.
DUNKEY: Believe it or not. PBAT: OK.
PBAT: But then you're gonna fall off! DUNKEY: No. Watch.
DUNKEY: 'Cause I know the secret. I know the trick.
PBAT: OK, I can't see you. DUNKEY: There's a trick to it.
PBAT: OK. DUNKEY: All right.
DUNKEY: Now, the shortcut is right around... here. PBAT: OK. [ laughing ]
DUNKEY: I think it's right there.
PBAT: [ laughing ] Why?
DUNKEY: Hey! It keeps goin' without me!
PBAT: I can still do it, because nobody gives a fuck about you!
DUNKEY: Nah, man. The shortcut worked!
DUNKEY: All right, all right, let me show you a shortcut.
DUNKEY: WHAT?!
PBAT: Mhm. DUNKEY: I just fell through the level!
PBAT: Is that it?
DUNKEY: OK, this strat--shortcut. PBAT: I can tell this is gonna work.
DUNKEY: Just go--crawl right under his legs for the shortc--
DUNKEY: Shut up. PBAT: Shut up, you.
DUNKEY: You shut up.
PBAT: You shut up, you old bitch.
DUNKEY: You shut up, you little ragamuffin.
PBAT: You're not gonna be able to do it, because the camera-- DUNKEY: SSSSHUT UP.
PBAT: CANONS IN THIS GAME ARE FUCKED.
DUNKEY: DON'T tell me what I CAN'T do!
DUNKEY: BBBBLAST OFF!
PBAT: Yep. You got it. [ Dunkey whooping ]
DUNKEY: I did it.
PBAT: You got it.
DUNKEY: UH OHHHH
PBAT: Let me teach you a trick, J.
DUNKEY: What--you don't--a shortcut?
DUNKEY: You don't know any--WHAT
DUNKEY: What the hell?! I didn't know you could do that shit!
DUNKEY: All right, Dion, I admit--I admit that's a pretty good shortcut for a beginner. PBAT: You do it. You do it, then.
DUNKEY: But let me show you a MASTER. PBAT: You do it. I dare you to do it.
DUNKEY: Let me show you a real m-- [ gasps ]
DUNKEY: [ gasping ] Shit!
DUNKEY: HOO
DUNKEY: Bada bing.
PBAT: What?!
DUNKEY: It's as simple as that.