Hello, hey, you know, what's your name, please? My name is pretty lost. I love that and how old are you?
I'm 25, I'll turn 26 in two hours
Are you single married? I have a girlfriend you have a girlfriend she's dope. Yeah
And what do you do for a living? I'm a stand-up comedian, which means I'm unemployed and I do stand-up on the side
All right best of luck
Right, I
Got a motorcycle I don't like telling people
I have a motorcycle cuz every time I tell someone they always gotta tell me a story about how the friends crashed on a motorcycle
You know, like why do people have to be so negative? I don't go up to pregnant women telling them my dad left
So annoying so annoying I walked at my apartment one time right? I walked in my apartment and my neighbor walked up to me
She's like, oh my god. You got a motorcycle. Are you Cyrus? Are you sorry you better be careful
I got in a car wreck the other day. My car flipped eight times. I'm looking to be laughs bliss
She black by the way
Everyone around this is like, you know, that was that is crazy. That's your car flip eight times you alive
You are blessed, you know, and now I'm over here thinking who the heck counted right like
Who's that called when their cars flipping in it?
Warren
Let's do it. My name is Bridget. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. That's that
Feature can I have just one more joke?
Aha
Alright, I don't feel safe driving with my grandma because she's really spiritual
She loved the Lord to the pole, but she's not afraid of dying. So I don't like that. All right, I
Don't like beating Karla someone that's not afraid of death. Okay, like hey, she got that attitude
like if I down going to heaven so it don't matter like
It does matter cuz I'm gonna call okay
This now spiritual my crown is if I got shot in the chest with a gun eight times instead of calling the ambulance
She would get on her knees praying like please Lord Jesus I get these demons
I sign my grandbabies fast the laptop borders rise up and find ways from his chest black mold to do the Ramseys
just more
Bluff is Wayne
Lil John 3:16
Region losses good, welcome back
Um, who have you brought with you today? Oh my mom came from China, what's up, there you go
Let me get this correct so you haven't seen him in a few years
It has flown all the way from China to see you today. Yeah, she flew from Jeff
A year, so yeah. I'm just I love you mom
Before you get you get into your ad just tell us a little bit about what today means to you now
I've been doing stand-up for eight years going in bars
Laundromats so that's why being here means so much to me. Well, the stage is all yours. All right, cool
So cool about a year ago, I went on a date and I got catfished and uh
It's when you meet someone online the meeting person for real and you're like hey that'll match okay
You never mustache so line man, right?
So I met this girl online. She was very pretty. She was super pretty I made her a person
She was just as pretty that's not she got me
I the way she got me is when she walks kind of has a lip. We just go
Somewhere like whoo, I love long walks on the beach, but it's hard because my legs act up let me know
I'm in at this bar downtown right and she was really pretty
She's pretty I went over and I bought her a drink. That sounds fine
She is y'all I normally don't buy with my drinks cuz I don't drink, you know
It's weird for me to get a water get it your own alcohol beverage like yeah. Hey lucky, you know, it's just creepy dude
I'm a comedian Bill. Cosby is a comedian anyway
What what and so uh
Bobby this drink, right and the bar we're at starts playing music, so I can't hear what she's saying, right?
So I'm like yo, he's getting out of here. Let's go take a walk around the park, right?
She's like I let's do it right when she hopped out chair
Cuz she was walking like she's scenes in novels on the ground, but she didn't want anyone to know it
She like is that ten dollars cuz it's mine. Yeah
Then she became my girlfriend, so that's pretty cool
Thank You Gavin is Breslau appreciate
Man
I don't know why people brag about being single like it's not fun being lonely. I don't like that at all. I don't know
I I was single for three years. You know what I've noticed after being single for three years
I noticed the longer I'm single the lower. My standards get night real. I was really picky in the beginning
I'm like she got like this. She gotta have this now. I'm like who needs teeth, you know like you
You smile with your heart and that's all that matters
I'm saying cuz I was ugly kid growing up
Like I feel out right now, but when I was a kid
I was like surprisingly ugly
Like if you looked at me too fast, I'd mess you up y'all saying from age 7 to 14
My nickname was that's my name. I
Need to tell people dishes new sometimes
That's why me and my ex broke up because we wanted kids but we couldn't have any kids kind of sad
Unless we adopt it. That's the only way we can have children which I do plan on adopting at least one child
I feel like everyone should adopt if everyone adopted there'll be no need for foster care, right? So I be yeah, so
I do plan on adopting but I do want to biological children of my own me
My ex couldn't have me its kind of sex my ex
She has a she has a huge forehead and I don't wanna pass those genes down
To my children. Okay. Yeah, you're not gonna have my kid looking like Jimmy Neutron. So I was like
I mean, don't get me wrong. I still love Tyra. It's just you know, I
Know
You guys go like when I see our way she waves back. Hi TyTy. You know, what's good? Yeah, that's all good
Just saying that you know, she's got big forehead
I got some big old lips if we had a son his face would be in 4d is what I'm saying, right?
He was getting fights all the time kids yelling. I'm gonna get out my face, you know, he'd be like, I'm across the street man
My daddy got big lips. Laughs it's so funny. People used to make fun of my lips as a kid all time
Yeah, that's a big lip, you know some soup coolers. You're dissing it like shut up
okay, I bet I never drowned I bet that right I
Like my lips women like big lips fellas. If you making out with your girl and she can breathe. She ain't happy. Okay, she's not
showing like that women love big hips here girls do a selfie they always do like they always do a duckface to do definitely
yeah, I
Don't know women good faces. I've never seen a duck and thought that's so sexy looking duck like stop
No one's driving past pause. I
Like no one's doing I think kids are colder
I think it's really cool that they can be annoying sometimes cuz I'm really cute
You know, I got a four-year-old cousin. Her name is Peyton, right?
She looks at me in front of a whole bunch of friends and family says hey preacher. Why are you so ugly?
And then she did the robot, right? So everybody was dying so funny when the four-year-old calls me ugly. It doesn't robot
It's hilarious until I say something back to her. Like that's why your mama don't know who your daddy is
And
This you wanna cry, you know, I she crying she started yelling me. Cry your mama
Don't know who your daddy is either like psych. My mom do know who my daddy is
No, she's gonna know where he's at. You know, like she know him. My name is preacher Lawson. Thank you so much. I appreciate
Right, yes, so uh, I was watching Oprah a few years ago cuz on my dark stuff had just how's your plan
I can't be against because I'm ticklish. No, you can't be do that and
Gangsters go to jail. I can't go to jail. I smile too much. I got a big booty. This is the bad combination. Yeah
No, you're looking all right
I was watching over him and I've seen this guy in over. Here's a Guinness world record for the fastest claps per second
Which is pretty stupid he does
14 claps per second one one thousand that's 14 claps y'all. I got a question
How do you find out that you are the fastest clapper in the world, huh?
Track me. I
Bet you I bet you love me campfires like whoo, I can't start a fire
Like 80 brain cells. Oh, yeah, you know, what else is stupid cell phones. They're getting too big
It's annoying like every time I swipe down my screen. I feel like I'm playing The Price is Right. I guess hug here
I'm like, let's see that on my facebook feed. Let's see. What look at this picture. It's annoying
I got a hopscotch the text me I will call you back light out normal, you know
I exhausted it is the save a number. What's your number?
4:07
Have a asthma attack
Side note ladies you ever notice every time a black or a Spanish didn't speak game to you
It looked like we using hand sanitizer you ever notice that your let Mohammed you force a little mama
What's your name? I'm just saying look I
Got me as my screensaver on my phone cuz I like me and
This girl's seen they call me conceited. She's like you got user screens there on your phone. Are you serious?
Not so conceited. She white by the way, and I was like
How am I conceited cuz I got a picture of me on my phone. It's my phone
I wouldn't that's like walking in someone's house. And like maybe I picture you and your family everywhere. It's my house. Okay, I
Do the whole I don't got any kids
It's like I don't got any kids don't got any pets what else gonna be my screensaver
So ran the picture of a lake, I can't swim, okay
So I got me I got an iPhone 6s plus 128 gig that's a nine hundred and forty dollar phone
I I paid my mom paid nine hundred and
Forty dollars, my name is preaching Lawson. Happy birthday, Janine. I love you
All right
so I was walking home the other day and I've seen this naked dude dancing on a trash can and
He wasn't fully nigga. He had socks on but it was it's really weird. You know me
I don't want to look at him, but I couldn't not look, you know, and then then he caught me looking at him
You know how like you standing somebody there you try to play it off like you're not looking at me like ah floor
Ceiling over here good, Georgia, Georgia, like you just try to play hop
Are you would look at that and he caught me he was like hey now
Snap, he ran from one side of the street to the other. He didn't care about his life at all. He was like
Hey you stop right in front of a stop hammer time
Brother let me tell you something. Let me taste some breathless nut. All right, listen up rabbit. Let me tell you something
All right. Listen, I'm gonna tell you a secret you ready for the secret
I'm gonna tell you listen up come close come close brother. Come on. Come close. Ah, listen up, brother
All right, you'll in Ulan. All right. All right, listen up brother black power. You're gonna say him brother
Yeah, black power. Do you hear me? I was like I hear what you're saying, but you're white, so, I don't know why
Yeah, it's kind of weird yes, there's hell I
Thought what do you want man? Let me tell you what I won't play it hot. Let a brother like me Barbara
Let me borrow my Maggie back. Let me borrow
$75 I was like, excuse me, sir, but you just skipped a lot of levels, okay?
$75 for what? He's like, I'm trying to get a soda. I was like full we're whole foods like why do you need?
That even if it's money so I told him I was like listen man, I'm not giving you $75
I'm not cuz I only got $10 and I'm not giving you
$10 cuz I'm not stupid any amount of money. I give you I'm probably taking and spitting out drugs. I can tell you naked, okay?
And he said he this way said back. He was like what?
Let me taste some player. All right first off I ain't making I got socks off
Second off me and nothing, okay
Never in my life playing listen up
I never do drugs
And then he just uh, he
Flew away so that was that ha ha I like doing this joke. There's always few people in the crowd like dying laughter
They're right. Next door Montano. He won't do this for
Still go on. My name is Richard Lawson. Thank you so much. I appreciate you