- Here, what do you guys wanna hear a rap about?
- [Audience Member] "The Hound of the Baskervilles."
- "The Hound of the Baskervilles," that's great,
yeah, that's a good suggestion.
Cool, "The Hound of the Baskervilles."
Make noise if you've actually read the story.
(audience clapping)
Okay, cool, nice, 12 people will enjoy
that segment of the rap.
(audience laughing)
Let's come to this half of the room nearer the front,
if you're kind of in the middle to the front,
what do you want a rap about?
- [Audience Member] 15th Century serfdom.
- Well, because I said...what was the last word you said?
- [Audience Member] Serfdom. - Serfdom, okay, cool.
Do you guys understand what the feudal system is?
(audience laughing)
'Cause if you don't, that's gonna be more obscure
than "Hound of the Baskervilles."
(audience laughing)
Don't worry, I will explain it in the rap.
So far, "The Hound of the Baskervilles,"
15th Century serfdom.
Back of the room, just because we're in Hermosa,
you're all like, "Yeah, we know what surfing is, Chris."
No, it's different, it's a totally different thing.
(audience laughing)
It's spelled S-E-R-F, all right.
Back of the room, what do you wanna rap about?
- Anglo-Irish relations. - Anglo-Irish relations.
That sounded like you were outside the venue.
(audience laughing)
It just sounds like an Irishman
was just walking past outside and was like,
"That sounds like an English person inside.
"How about Anglo-Irish relations, you prick,"
and then they just walk off down the road.
(audience laughing)
Cool, Anglo-Irish relations.
Let's get two more suggestions,
one from this kinda segment of this side.
(audience talking off mic)
- Hmm, bit of a boring suggestion, I'm afraid.
(audience laughing)
We've set the bar really high with those three, you see,
so I'm not going any lower than that.
- Octogenarian strippers. - Octogenarian strippers.
That is a great suggestion, thank you.
(audience laughing)
So, "Hound of the Baskervilles," 15th Century serfdom,
Anglo-Irish relations, and octogenarian strippers.
Guys over here, you have the final suggestion.
It needs to be good to compete with all those.
What's it gonna be?
- Midget. - No.
What was that?
- Lebanon. - Lebanon, okay.
(audience laughing)
Are you from Lebanon?
Yeah, cool, I was gonna say
no one's thinking of Lebanon really these days, are they?
(audience laughing)
That's a great suggestion.
I really feel that maybe 4/5 of these suggestions
will go over many of your heads.
(audience laughing)
I think really octogenarian strippers
is gonna be the high point.
(audience laughing)
You're all like, "Yeah, we know what that is.
"I mean, we don't really know
"what the word octogenarian means,
"but we know what a stripper is."
(audience laughing)
So to remind you all, "The Hound of the Baskervilles,"
15th Century serfdom, Anglo-Irish relations,
octogenarian strippers, and Lebanon.
This then, lovely people of the Comedy and Magic Club,
a little Christmas treat for you,
a little thing called a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made up on the spot
based entirely on those suggestions.
It's not written, it's not prepared in advance,
and will never be seen again,
and do not worry, it won't be anywhere
near as atrociously bad as you are expecting it to be.
(audience laughing)
Just so apprehensive, all of you, and that's okay.
Should we drop the beat, good sir?
Let's have some fun, I'm excited.
(audience clapping and cheering)
Oh, you guys are up for it, I like it.
What, you thought it was gonna bump?
No, it's chill, we're taking it chill.
♪ Kick it off here, we're taking it chill ♪
♪ I'm looking over all my fields from the top of the hill ♪
♪ I say my fields ♪
♪ Technically I don't own them ♪
♪ We got the king at the top ♪
♪ Let's dethrone him ♪
♪ Underneath is the knights and the barons, bro ♪
♪ Need to work out, get a spade, get a hoe ♪
♪ With an E on the end ♪
♪ I don't mean a prostitute ♪
♪ I try and chop it up ♪
♪ Rotate the crops, it's very cute ♪
♪ I make sure that I plant the seed ♪
♪ I'm a serf, if you didn't know it, and I agreed ♪
♪ That we're the lowest of the low ♪
♪ Bottom of the pyramid ♪
♪ Working feudally since a little kid ♪
♪ We've gotta give that to the guy who owns the land ♪
♪ And in England if you don't understand ♪
♪ Well, this next bit will get more complex ♪
♪ Ireland is a problem, who's next ♪
♪ Above them you've got the North ♪
♪ Protestants and Catholics, yeah, par for the course ♪
♪ Who was the guy who made the anger swell ♪
♪ Probably Oliver Cromwell ♪
♪ Back in the day he didn't even like them ♪
♪ That violence, he'd incite them ♪
♪ And they would rise up ♪
♪ Yes, so many ♪
♪ And say bring it down to Londonderry ♪
♪ Bloody Sunday maybe 40 years ago ♪
♪ All the kids had stones ♪
♪ They were gonna throw ♪
♪ At the English soldiers over there ♪
♪ Everybody in the room this is over your hair ♪
♪ You're like we've never really studied it ♪
♪ Not today ♪
♪ We don't even know who the IRA is ♪
♪ We're in Ireland, who's to blame ♪
♪ We don't even know Gerry Adams or Sinn Fein ♪
♪ But that's okay, I shoot to kill ♪
♪ I'm gonna get that hound at the Baskervilles ♪
♪ You might think it's a ghost, think it's a spectre ♪
♪ No, it's a dog with some paint they select ♪
♪ A little can of glow in the dark and put it on its coat ♪
♪ It goes over the moorland, it goes ♪
♪ And then who's here at that home ♪
♪ It's called Sherlock, Watson, Mr. Holmes ♪
♪ They step in, say I can solve the case ♪
♪ It's just a dog, you can look it straight in the face ♪
♪ And say stop scaring the people in the family ♪
♪ Arthur Conan Doyle, yeah, he could handle these ♪
♪ He moves on ♪
♪ It's so cute ♪
♪ Not a dog, I mean, being in Beirut ♪
♪ A great holiday that I was on ♪
♪ I'm like having such fun in Lebanon ♪
♪ Admittedly there was a war ♪
♪ Two decades ago ♪
♪ A lotta bombs dropping ♪
♪ A lotta bombs blow ♪
♪ But now it's a real tourist destination ♪
♪ You eat seafood, you could eat crustacean there ♪
♪ Yeah, it's up in the charts ♪
♪ When I'm pretty frisky after dark ♪
♪ I go out to the club and here's a fact ♪
♪ I like to go to the stripping room at the back ♪
♪ The older ladies, I'm not scared of them ♪
♪ I'll be specific, I like octogenarian ♪
♪ It means that you're in your 80s ♪
♪ I will go down there with the my mateys ♪
♪ We sit down and we say ♪
♪ Wow kings like a palace ♪
♪ Who's on the pole ♪
♪ A lady called Gladys ♪
♪ Walking up, yeah, we go mad to see ♪
♪ The stripper with the breasts so saggy ♪
♪ I'm not saying that that's a criticism ♪
♪ I'm saying when I see it ♪
♪ I'm spitting all the jism ♪
♪ It's amazing to see her on the pole ♪
♪ Even though those teeth are no longer whole ♪
♪ She's got dentures ♪
♪ I say go on son ♪
♪ I take a little dollar and put it in her gums ♪
♪ Not inside her pants ♪
♪ I'm never even locking ♪
♪ I love that she wears those high-top stockings ♪
♪ Probably Spanx to hold the wrinkles in ♪
♪ Probably long gray hairs on her chin ♪
♪ But that's what I like ♪
♪ I'm not saying it's pathetic ♪
♪ Octogenarian strippers, yeah, that's my real fetish ♪
(audience clapping and cheering)