LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
OF COURSE, LAST NIGHT WAS THE SECOND STRAIGHT NIGHT OF
DEMOCRATIC DEBATES ON CNN.
WHICH MEANS LAST NIGHT, WE ALL WATCHED A BUNCH OF RANDOS TRY TO
SCORE POINTS AND MOVE ON IN THE COMPETITION, OR IF YOU DIDN'T
WATCH LOVE ISLAND, YOU COULD HAVE WATCHED THE DEBATE.
BUT FATHER-IN-LAW, NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE WATCHED THE DEBATE
BECAUSE THERE WAS A BIG DROP OFF IN RATINGS FROM LAST MONTH'S
DEBATES ON NBC.
AND IT SEEMS PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO FEEL ELECTION FATIGUE.
459 DAYS BEFORE VOTING DAY.
COME ON, GUYS, YOU'VE GOT TO PACE YOURSELVES!
BUT THERE WERE SOME VIRAL MOMENTS THAT CAME OUT OF THE
DEBATE LAST NIGHT.
IN HIS OPENING STATEMENT, ANDREW YANG COMPARED HIMSELF TO DONALD
TRUMP WITH THIS DESCRIPTION: >> WE NEED TO DO THE OMS OF MUCH
OF WHAT WE'RE DOING RIGHT ANONYMITY AND THE OPPOSITE OF
DONALD TRUMP IS AN ASIAN MAN WHO LIKES MASS.
>> James: I LIKE IT.
HE'S NOT WRONG.
UNFORTUNATELY, ANOTHER DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANDREW YANG
AND DONALD TRUMP IS THAT PEOPLE KNOW WHO DONALD TRUMP IS.
(LAUGHTER) >> James: DON'T ACT LIKE YOU
KNOW WHO ANDREW YANG IS.
YANG SAID HE'S THE OPPOSITE OF DONALD TRUMP.
I ALWAYS IMAGINED THE OPPOSITE OF DONALD TRUMP WAS JUST A VERY
WELL-READ GREEN SALAD.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS MOMENT.
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND OUTLINED THE FIRST THING SHE WOULD DO AS
PRESIDENT: >> THE FIRST THING THAT I'M
GOING TO DO WHEN I'M PRESIDENT IS I'M GOING TO CLOROX THE OVAL
OFFICE.
>> James: BLEACH?
BLEACH?
LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT, THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO DO WHEN
TRUMP LEAVES IS MAKE THE OVAL OFFICE EVEN WHITER?!?
BUT I GET IT, I WOULD DO THE SAME THING IF I HAD TO MOVE INTO
A HOUSE THAT HAD BEEN OCCUPIED BY NOTHING BUT MEN FOR THE PAST
230 YEARS.
HERE IS A SURVEY YOU MIGHT FIND IS INTERESTING.
NEARLY 1 THIRD OF MILLENNIALS SAY THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY
TO GO OUT TO DATE.
THEY SAY DATING IS JUST TOO EXPENSIVE TO GO OUT VERY OFTEN.
IT'S A GREAT EXCUSE I WISH I WOULD'VE HAD IN MY TEENS.
"I'M GETTING LOTS OF OFFERS BUT I'M JUST TRYING TO FOCUS ON MY
SAVINGS RIGHT NOW."
SO IF YOU'RE A MILLENNIAL WHO'S TOTALLY BROKE, YOU MIGHT JUST
HAVE TO GET CREATIVE AND TAKE YOUR DATE OUT FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S FREE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS GUY'S DOING AT THIS TAPING?
(APPLAUSE) >> James: IS THIS YOUR DATE?
IS THIS YOUR DATE?
THIS IS YOUR DATE HERE.
DID HE TELL YOU THAT THESE TICKETS COST MONEY?
LITTLE BIT.
YOU BOUGHT THEM FOR HIM?
YOU GOT THEM FOR HIM?
>> YES.
>> James: YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING AFTER THIS?
I GOT FOUR WORDS FOR YOU BUDDY, OLIVE GARDEN UNLIMITED BREAD
STICKS.
AND FINALLY, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, MEN WHO ATE TWO
HANDFULS OF NUTS PER DAY REPORTED IMPROVEMENTS IN SEXUAL
FUNCTION.
BY THE WAY, "TWO HANDFULS OF NUTS" IS ALSO HOW FOX NEWS
DESCRIBED THIS WEEK'S DEMOCRATIC DEBATES.
TWO HANDFULS OF NUTS PER DAY IMPROVES MALE SEXUAL
PERFORMANCE.
THERE ARE SO MANY OF THESE NEW STUDIES, IT FEELS LIKE NOW
IT'S JUST SCIENTISTS GOING, "OH YEAH!
SAY THAT!
THAT'LL BE FUNNY."
BUT THIS DOES EXPLAIN THE RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE
FROM A GUY WHO WEARS A TOP HAT A MONOCLE AND LITERALLY NOTHING
ELSE.