[Music]
near the end of a grueling semester in
my wife's undergraduate program the
stress was mounting as many of our
family's typical routines like laundry
schedules and meals together were
increasingly disrupted we're grateful
that the period of sacrifice was nearing
an end and anxious to see the return of
a sense of normalcy one evening my wife
had to go out for a project meeting with
her academic team so I stayed home with
our children
five-year-old Ethan and 19 month old
Kalia to help them get ready for bed
although we were all exhausted we had
plenty of fun together as I helped them
get washed and into their pajamas the
last step before tucking them into bed
was to get Kalia a bottle of milk
unfortunately as I went into the kitchen
to pour the milk Kalia toddled into the
dining room reached up to the table and
found my cup which was still full of
water in her uncoordinated attempt to
take a little drink she spilled the
water all over her face and I ran down
and soaked her pajamas my immediate
reflexive response was abject horror
that was the last clean set of pajamas
in the entire apartment the spilled
water would surely ruin the carpet I
would never get the children to bed and
now everything was ruined but as I
started to yell what are you doing a
thought came to me one of the sweetest
epiphanies of my life I can design this
moment rather than following my
fight-or-flight response down a narrow
tunnel of frustration and anger I could
actually choose from a wide array of
options available to create a peaceful
outcome for me and my daughter I looked
at her with new eyes feeling the entire
world had suddenly shifted in a
miraculous unimaginative it was okay
then I chose to can
continued to comfort me with my words as
I rushed over to help get her out of the
wet pajamas now it turns out that
actually was the last clean set of
pajamas in the apartment but as I
continued to consider how I could choose
to design this moment I realize that I
could give Kalia one of my clean
t-shirts to wear as an oversized
nightgown despite my catastrophizing
thoughts the carpet wasn't ruined in
fact it barely even got wet and rather
than never getting the children in a bed
or even sending them to bed with hurt
feelings I actually saw the mood become
playful again as Ethan walked in and
laughed at seeing his sister wearing
dad's huge shirt he thought that was so
funny that he wanted one too so the two
of them ended up giggling happily at
each other as I knows them out of my
room and got them tucked safely into
their beds I stayed until I fell asleep
then quietly left and closed the door to
their room grateful in the knowledge
that a much heavier door had just opened
in my mind and in my heart we all face
anxieties and fears and in some cases
those feelings pass quickly but in
others as in mine feelings of anxiety
can become so severe or prolonged that
they seriously interfere with daily
living so here's the question after so
many years of struggling to respond in
healthy appropriate ways during
stressful situations to the point where
as hospitalized multiple times for risk
of suicide why was I suddenly able in
the midst of this stress inducing moment
to realize that I have the power to
design this moment one key reason is
that I've not only sought professional
help but I've also been willing to put
in the hard work necessary as prescribed
by my therapist to help improve my
mental well-being equally important is
learning Design Thinking a process used
to innovate and solve problems although
it's most often applied to creating and
refining products and services applied
more broadly learning to think like a
design
helped free me from trying to shoehorn
my mental processes into the
well-meaning but totally unhelpful
advice I'd heard for so many years just
try to find joy in the journey now I
admit that may be an analogy that works
well for some and it even may work for
you but it didn't fit for me you see
well I love traveling to places I'm
anxious to get there and feel burdened
by the very passive process of following
a predefined path for prolonged periods
so telling myself to just enjoy the
journey actually amplified the stress
rather than reducing it in contrast I
have nearly infinite patience for the
very active process of visual design
taking a drawing photograph painting or
graphic design from a rough concept to a
beautiful work of art as in this design
I did for custom guitar you can see how
amateurish the original sketch looks and
it would have been really easy to get
frustrated and give up then but I knew
that I could continue I could continue
to refine that design as long as I
stayed open to the possible design
choices on a physical journey from point
A to point B if I turn left instead of
right I'm now on the wrong path and have
to turn around to get back on the right
one but when a line in a design takes an
unexpected turn there are multiple good
ways to move forward rather than a
strict right and wrong answer
well I could simply erase that
unexpected line or happy accident as Bob
Ross would call it I could also choose
to explore it and see what it could be
and turn it into a tail of B or a
coconut-tree so becoming immersed in
design thinking both through coursework
in the Stanford lead program and through
the amazing book designing your life by
Bill Burnett and Dave Evans I was able
to connect this process of design
thinking to the reality that I could in
fact choose how to design each moment so
here's the coolest part
you can do this too when you feel
stressed overwhelmed or anxious in any
situation just remember these three
simple steps stop breathe and say to
yourself I can design this moment well
you can control situations or people you
can choose your responses and your
actions in any given situation let's
look at a couple examples
so first let's say your significant
other calls you and says honey I'm so
sorry there's been a last-minute change
of plans and I can't make tonight's date
rather than catastrophizing and assuming
they must not really care they've
probably never even loved you and I bet
they're seeing someone else and I'll
never find anyone who really loves me
stop breathe and design so what are your
possible design choices in this moment
well for one you could simply choose to
negotiate a new time for your date
together or you could choose to express
your genuine disappointment in a way
that conveys your love without being
unkind or you could even choose to end
the relationship if this is just the
latest in a long pattern of neglect the
key is no matter how hurtful or
offensive the other person's actions may
seem to be remember that you have the
power to choose to design the moment so
how might this pattern look in a case
where your actions led directly to the
stressful situation let's say you
oversleep arrive at work late and your
boss says you're fired
rather than yelling at your boss which
could further damage your reputation or
rather than catastrophizing and thinking
your whole life is ruined stop breathe
and design our angry words inventing
really your only options in this moment
certainly not you could choose for
example to humbly apologize and ask your
boss to forgive you you could choose to
offer to go out and buy a new louder
alarm clock right after work today to
make sure you don't oversleep again or
you could even offer to work for
week with no pay to prove how important
this job is to you and how dedicated you
are to getting it right even if nothing
works out with your boss you can still
choose to design the moment for example
you could phone a friend or a group of
friends for emotional support you could
choose to take a walk in a peaceful
place to exercise meditate or pray or
you could even choose to reach out to
your local Career Center and a network
of friends and professional contacts to
get advice on learning new skills and
finding a new job and before you get
that new job you really might want to
invest in that loud or alarm clock just
saying
now an important disclaimer while
remembering your ability to design each
moment can help reduce stress and
alleviate anxiety in situations both
large and small there may be times where
you need a little more just like some
physical injuries require the attention
of a trained medical professional there
may be cases where anxiety warns the
attention of a trained mental health
professional mental health treatment has
been extremely valuable for me and
millions of others across the globe if
the prospect of reaching out for
professional help seems overwhelming
find a friend a trusted advisor an
advocate someone who can go with you to
help you get that help
if you crashed your bicycle and broke
both your legs no one would expect you
to get up and walk yourself to the
nearest emergency room in a similar way
if you're in intense emotional pain no
one expects you to have to get that help
on your own most importantly no matter
how dark the world around you may seem
always choose to remember and believe in
the truth that there will always be
brighter days ahead never vote against
the preciousness of life by choosing to
end it the decision to end your pain or
unburden those around you will in
reality transfer a much much heavier
burden of pain onto them as the weight
of losing you tears a hole through the
remainder of their lives in any
situation instead of giving up
stop breathe and design look for friends
and professionals who can help you take
the steps you need to find peace in your
heart again step forward outside of your
fear as far as you can and ask for as
much help as you need during this
process of designing moments and
designing your life will you be perfect
at any point in this process
certainly not you are human so when you
forget to stop breathe and design or
when you make a mistake or fail in any
degree forgive yourself go back and
examine what went well what didn't and
how you could possibly improve in a
similar situation in the future talk it
out with a friend or trusted advisor and
keep moving forward once you see the
light and peace and hope and strength
and power that come into your life
through designing moments you will find
the power to help lead others out of
darkness and into the refreshing light
of peace as Marianne Williamson famously
said our greatest fear is not that we
are inadequate our greatest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure it is our
light not our darkness that most
frightens us we ask ourselves who am I
to be brilliant gorgeous talented and
fabulous actually who are you not to be
your playing small does not serve the
world there's nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people will not
feel insecure about around you we are
all meant to shine as children do and as
we let our own light shine we
unconsciously give others permission to
do likewise as we are liberated from our
own fear our presence automatically
liberates others I stand here today not
as one who's been perfectly liberated
from all my anxieties and fears but as
one who is wholeheartedly invested in
that process of liberation having seen
the great changes
that have come into my own life I
witness that each one of us every one of
us including you truly have the power to
elevate our emotions shape our destinies
and lift the lives of others through
remembering our power to design each
moment so choose today to try the next
time you feel scared overwhelmed or
anxious say it with me stop breathe and
design thank you
[Applause]