We've been talking
about nothing but corona all week,
and there is other stuff happening.
In fact, there's some pretty big news today
from the world of tech.
A blockbuster report by House lawmakers
calling on Congress to break up big tech.
After a 16-month investigation
into Apple, Amazon, Google and Facebook,
the Democratic-led judiciary committee
says the big four all hold or abuse monopoly power
and need to be reined in.
The 450-page report compares the industry giants
to the likes of oil barons and railroad tycoons.
The panel's now proposing the biggest overhaul
of antitrust laws in decades.
That's right. A major House investigation
is recommending that the big tech companies
have become powerful monopolies,
and so they should be broken up.
And that means Amazon could be split off
into one company that sells you
the products that you're trying to buy
and then another company that tricks you into buying
weird knockoffs from countries that no longer exist.
Apple could be separated
into one company that sells you phones
and then another company that sells you
a different charging cable every year for no reason!
And then Google could be broken up
into one company that gives you search results
and another company that just keeps guessing
what you're about to type.
"How do you..."
"Get rid of a rash on your crotch?"
"Ew, no.
Install a ceiling fan."
"When you have a rash on your crotch?"
Now, I'm not gonna front.
On the one hand, this is almost so obvious
that I can't believe it took
a 16-month investigation to figure out.
Of course these big tech companies are monopolies.
And breaking them up could be a good idea.
I mean, if you break up Amazon,
that is great news for bookstores in 1997.
On the other hand,
the only reason these companies have gotten so big
is because people love using them,
so Congress might want to be careful
about how far they take this thing.
"Good news, everybody. We're breaking Amazon up."
"Okay, Congress.
"I guess you're gonna be delivering my shampoo,
"'cause I want Prime from somebody,
and I don't care who it is."
There's no question that the reputations
of big tech companies have taken a hit in recent years.
I mean, for instance, Facebook used to be the place
where you reconnect with old high school friends
and then block them when you discover that they're married.
But then in the last few years,
it's become the Internet's top destination
for people who believe the moon landing was faked
to cover for the JFK assassination.
And now it seems like Facebook has recognized what it's become,
and they're finally taking steps
to put an end to one of the biggest problems.
Facebook says it is now removing all accounts associated
with the right-wing conspiracy movement
known as QAnon.
Those accounts have become hubs
for wild Internet rumors and disinformation campaigns.
Now it says it's removing all QAnon accounts
on both Facebook and Instagram.
It's a serious blow
to the QAnon Internet conspiracy campaign
that most Americans would say sounds completely crazy:
that big-name Democrats,
Hollywood stars and the megarich
are actually child trafficking pedophiles
who kill children in satanic rituals.
Okay. Okay. You know what?
Good for Facebook for doing this.
Although part of me is a little worried
that it's too little too late.
I mean, Facebook is like that bar
that decides to hire a bouncer after its 123rd stabbing.
Because, people, QAnon has become so widespread
that basically every Facebook group right now
is a QAnon group.
Even your grandma's knitting group is like,
"Today, we're learning a new needlepoint pattern.
Do you like it?"
Now, of course, for QAnon followers,
this whole thing is just gonna reinforce their belief
that big tech is censoring them
because they're also in on the conspiracy,
which is ridiculous.
No one at Facebook is eating babies, okay?
Because without babies, boom.
That's 90% of Facebook posts gone.
So, look, I'm glad that Facebook is trying
to shut down these groups, but to be honest,
I'm skeptical that it's gonna work
because when it comes to monitoring
content on their platform,
they don't exactly have the best track record.
Facebook apparently thinks this ad
is too risqué for its users.
Gaze Seed Company in Canada
got this notification about its onions.
According to Facebook, the placement of the vegetable
was overtly sexual.
Okay, what clearly happened here is that the algorithm
that's supposed to detect sexy stuff got confused.
Or who knows? Maybe it did it on purpose.
In which case, who are we to shame it?
Love who you love, algorithm.
You don't let the people judge you.
But this is why you need an actual human
involved in these decisions,
because no human would think an onion is sexy.
Like, have you seen an onion?
You know, it's just, like, it's-it's round,
and it's firm and-and juicy and...
it's got all those layers that come off and...
(exhales) Did it just get hot in here?
Oh, man, I need to get out of the house.
And there are other changes coming to social media, too.
For example, Instagram.
You know, the app that you use for stalking your Tinder date.
Well, if your feed has become a little toxic,
here's something that might calm things down.
Instagram says it will start hiding
negative comments in posts.
It's an effort to reduce bullying and harassment.
After a user writes a potentially offensive comment,
a warning will pop up before it's posted, saying,
"This may go against our guidelines."
Users will have to click the "View hidden comments" button
to see the negative comment.
All right!
That's what I'm talking about.
Thank you, Instagram. This is a great step.
I think everyone can agree. You don't want to go on Instagram
and see hate-filled messages.
I know I don't want that.
I want to go on Instagram and see
sexy onions.
Butts. I mean "butts," not "onions."
Not "onions." I'm a normal man that likes butts.
At the same time, I'm a little worried
that hiding negative comments behind a warning
is just gonna make people want to click on them even more.
"Oh, you don't want to see this comment.
"This was such a great burn, we had to hide it.
"I mean, goddamn!
"This was a sick burn. Don't look.
Don't look. It's too good."
Like, here's one of the problems with this policy.
Can it pick up tone?
Half the time someone comments "brave" under a picture,
I'm pretty sure that it's just a form of bullying.
"Oh, my God, it was so brave of you
to put that picture up of yourself."
"What do you mean, brave, dude? That was just, like, my face."
"Yeah. So brave."
But, you know what, as long as Instagram
is gonna be cracking down, how about they find a way
to punish those people who post 1,000 stories at once?
You got all those little tiny white dots
at the top of your screen, like a--
like a game of freakin' Pac-Man.
I want to see how your day is going,
not watch the Peter Jackson director's cut of your life.
Highlights, people. Highlights.
And, finally, there's also a change coming to emojis,
and this one is all about keeping up with the coronavirus.
Something to leave you with a smile today.
Apple is upgrading its mask emoji.
This new masked emoji covers a smile,
so the facial feature matches the smiley emoji.
The old mask had just two slits for eyes.
Apple has not commented on why it upgraded the design
to the one that now has a little bit more cheerful disposition.
Yes. They now have an emoji
for people who are happy to be wearing a mask.
And what's also cool is that they have an emoji
for people who protest masks because they love freedom.
Now, look, they say that this emoji is smiling,
but it doesn't really look like it's smiling.
We don't know if it's smiling,
which I guess makes it really realistic.
'Cause-- think about it-- for the last few months,
we've been walking around with these masks,
no one can tell what your expression actually is.
Yeah. You're trying to smile with your eyes,
but, to the other person, some freaky shit
is going on under there.