What is the worst movie you've ever seen?
No, I'm not talking about "Transformers 2" or "Grown Ups 2".
I mean a movie so bad,
so fundamentally broken
that it leaves a pit in your stomach
or makes you feel frustrated and angry beyond any reasonable measure.
This is a question I've been asking myself for a while,
and I think it's about time to do something about it.
So I've pulled up the list of the bottom 100 lowest rated movies on IMDb,
and I'm going through them one by one to find the worst movie ever.
Welcome
to "The Search for the Worst".
[IHE Theme Song]
"Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain" is the worst thing in the history of anything ever.
And there was me...
thinking it couldn't get much more terrible than something like "Druids".
It all stems from the title of this movie. What the hell does it even mean?
I still don't really know.
Okay. The "Three Ninjas" part makes a bit of sense because the characters are ninjas,
But what does "High Noon" have to do with anything?
To tell the truth, I was actually kinda looking forward to watching this movie,
'cause I saw that it was listed as an action-adventure comedy.
And picking apart bad comedies is pretty easy.
I had this preconceived idea that this is going to be some weird, adult comedy
that failed so hard that I'd find it funny.
Oh boy, was I wrong.
In fact, I don't think I've ever been more wrong in my entire life.
This movie goes against everything I stand for as a human.
It offends me right down to my very core.
So let's delve in, and just get it over with.
The movie opens with a mysterious speech, as the credits appear over blackness.
[Narrator] "Centuries ago, a village in Japan, lived in peace!"
You're left there,
just waiting,
imagining the exciting action scene that's gonna start the movie off with a bang.
Then
BOOM!
The title of the movie commands itself to the screen in the most extreme and exaggerated way I've ever seen.
I really have no idea why I was so excited at this point. But who cares It's living up to all my expectations!
[ominous music]
Ah shit.
No.
Please God, no!
Please! I can't even begin to describe how much my heart sank
when in the first shot of the film,
we were introduced to the three little gobshite ninjas,
Rocky,
Colt, and Tum-Tum.
So it's gonna be one of those movies, is it?
[Baddie] "Surprise!"
[Rocky] "Aiyah!"
[cheesy action noises]
Only God can help me now.
[Slow-mo Distort] "Surprise!"
So with no explanation at all some Asian bloke
forces a small group of children to complete a set of extremely dangerous challenges.
Because movie.
Then after they horribly failed the challenge, the Asian bloke congratulates them,
probably 'cause he doesn't know how to speak English properly.
[Asian Bloke] "Congratulations."
[Asian Bloke] "You all pass with flying colors."
Then we find out that all these kids are actually brothers or something?
and this old Asian guy is their grandpa.
[Rocky] "What gives, Grandpa? I thought you'd be proud of us we got the sword!"
Then these stupid assholes explained that the reason they're doing these completely dangerous challenges
in a dark warehouse, owned by their grandfather, is because they do ninja training in their summer break.
[Rocky in a Whiney Voice] "Ninja training is cool and all, but this summer was definitely my last."
So it goes without saying, that the dialogue and acting is fucking atrocious throughout the entire movie.
And this opening scene is nearly pointless,
apart from a forced callback to it, right at the very end.
Randomly, We cut to an old, battered boat, in the middle of the ocean,
where these people, who we've never been introduced to before,
are preparing dangerous and violent looking equipment.
Then it just cuts straight back to the goofy main characters who see their parents,
who by the way, blatantly aren't Asian at all.
So what's the deal with this grandpa?
Is it just a nickname? If so,
why are they letting their kids stay with a random old Asian guy,
who's training them to be murdering psychopaths?
[Mother] "Anything the matter, Dad?"
Oh wait, so it really is her dad.
So why isn't everyone in the family Asian?
[Grandpa] "Once a ninja, always a ninja!"
He's a terrible actor, who can barely speak English,
and his character would be no different if he was some random American grandpa, who happened to be a ninja.
You might think I'm looking too much into the stupid kids movie, but you just wait.
So the three Ninjas' dad awkwardly forces in the fact that he worked for the FBI into normal conversation
with his family, who would already know this.
[Dad] "I gotta get back to work. *mm!*"
[Dad] "The FBI waits for no man! *mm!*"
[sarcastic] I wonder why he needs to state that he worked for the FBI‽ I bet that won't come up again!
Tum-Tum is watching TV and this weird TV show starring Hulk Hogan is on.
This is actually important to the plot so pay attention.
Hulk beats up a bunch of random dudes and says,
[Hulk Hogan] "According to the ratings,"
[Hulk Hogan] "most kids don't believe in heroes anymore."
The thing I find weird is that he's hardly a hero.
All we ever see him do is brutally attack people and kick the shit out of them.
We don't know why or who these
poor people being attacked even are.
Anyway, Hogan explains how his show's gonna be cancelled
and he says his last show ever is going to be at "Mega Mountain".
Then it's back to the ship with the people preparing weapons or whatever.
We then learn what this whole thing's about.
Turns out these people on the boat are terrorists, who are planning to stage an attack on the theme park, "Mega Mountain",
the same theme park Tum-Tum and his bastard brothers are going for Tum-Tum's birthday.
Yes, this really is the plot of the movie.
The next day, these randomass people move in next door to the three ninja kids.
The only reason any of this is shown is so they can introduce this horrible nerd stereotype character,
who's basically a deus ex machina, get-out-of-jail-free card for any situation.
She carries around these weird James Bond-esque toys and things that are all actually violent weapons
designed to horribly murder.
The film's reasoning for why she has these toys is because her dad makes movies,
and shows her how to make these things because they're in the movie?
[Nerd Girl] "My dad and I [are] working on these for his new movie."
[Colt] "What are we gonna do?"
[Colt] "Beat'em at Go Fish?"
*whirring*
[Colt] *Gasps*
*unsheaths*
*retracting*
[Tum-Tum] "Hey, what about me?"
[Nerd Girl] "Tum-Tum wait! They're smoke bombs. They explode on impact!"
Then for absolutely no reason at all, the Ninjas' mum invites the next-door neighbor they just met,
to go along with them to Mega Mountain for Tum-Tum's birthday.
Then they go to Mega Mountain and do something I can't remember because it's so fucking boring.
Which is followed by a scene where the terrorists on a bunch of jet skis drive towards Mega Mountain,
and infiltrate it through some underground sewer system or something, with
highly advanced equipment.
Now I'm not sure if you noticed back when they are riding the jet skis,
but not even one of these people are the actors who play the terrorists.
They clearly show
a really fat guy, a lady,
and a Jamaican guy for some reason,
as well as some others.
And none of these people on the jet skis even remotely resemble any of them.
They obviously just got a bunch of random people who know how to drive jet skis to just sort of...
drive around menacingly.
Then they all do this dolphin dive thing with the jet skis
and suddenly they all have scuba gear, and their jet skis have vanished?
Then once they get out the scuba gear, the Jamaican guy is still wearing his hat and the lady character has perfect hair.
Where even are they?
Is it nighttime?
Why are they doing this?
Then they all just walk into the park with disguises anyway,
rendering their entire plan completely useless to begin with.
Oh look, that guy fell over and they still used the take.
Huh.
And for about three minutes, the movie turns into an advert for Mega Mountain.
They just go on rides and I'm supposed to care because they're having fun I guess.
Then the terrorists go around the park attacking people
and threatening them with highly powerful machine guns.
It dawned on me about this time that I think,
I think,
that this movie was trying to do some kind of, "Die Hard for kids" thing?
But it just ends up being really jarring and nonsensical
because it goes from being really light-hearted to horrible extreme violence.
It feels like two different movies have been crudely smashed together to form a horrible abomination
no one should ever have to endure.
At one point the terrorists go to the park's main control center and no one really cares or reacts.
They're probably thinking,
"Wait. Why are terrorists trying to invade a theme park? Are they retarded or something?"
They even reuse the same lady who previously got beaten up, because they're so lazy.
So now, finally, twenty minutes into the movie, we find out why the terrorists are doing this.
Their ingenious plan is to hold the park hostage, so the owner of the park will give them ten million dollars.
ugh... fucking Christ.
And if they don't get the money, they're gonna start murdering people,
not with the highly powerful machine guns of death they carefully snuck into the building,
but by speeding up the rides people are on until they die of boredom or something.
[Lady Baddie] "I'm afraid I'm all thumbs."
[Lady Baddie] "What would happen if I accidentally
increased "Raging Water's" speed another...
twenty miles an hour?"
[Lady Baddie] "Those turns would be awfully hard to maneuver!"
[Owner] "You wouldn't!"
[Lady Baddie] "I would... and I will! If you don't pay me ten million dollars."
Something happens, which leads to Hulk Hogan getting shot with a tranq dart.
And the three Ninjas end up being pursued in a highly uncomfortable chase scene.
There's something quite disturbing about grown men with murder weapons
chasing innocent children around a theme park they're holding hostage for ten million dollars,
under the threat of torture through the use of theme park rides.
[Sarcastic] Well, I guess that's more of a nitpick.
Then finally,
we actually get our first fight scene from the Ninjas.
And it's actually,
kind of entertaining.
For a couple of seconds at least.
Although it was quite weird when one of the kids turned into Spider-Man for that one fight,
but whatever.
But there's one thing that really started to piss me off with the fight scenes.
Literally,
no, I mean,
LITERALLY,
Every single time when a Ninja does a ninja move, they scream,
[Colt] "AIYAH!"
[Tum-Tum] "AIYAH!"
["AIYAH" on repeat]
*Grunt*
*Grunting*
So the sort of terrible cat-and-mouse awfulness goes on until the police arrive.
The terrorists then opened fire at the police in an area with hundreds of innocent children.
The Ninjas' FBI dad appears and is all like,
'Is your neighbor with you, is she alright?'
[Dad] "Is Amanda with you?"
Despite the fact he has never even seen or met her before...
because they moved in next door about six hours ago, and are already being held captive by terrorists.
Then the main villain suddenly explains how she was only looking for a quick score to get out of the country!
[FBI Guy] "And she's rumored to be looking for a quick score to get out of the country."
[exhales]
I know this is supposed to be some kind of innocent kids movie,
but that might be the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, EVER.
'Oh, I know I want a quick load of cash,
so I'm going to plan an elaborate raid on an amusement park,
and hold it up for hours on end,
then threaten to kill hundreds of innocent civilians.'
Seems pretty covert and easy to me.
The kids, for no reason, just sort of come up with this idea that there's a master control for the whole park.
[Rocky] "Which means, somewhere inside the park, there must be some kind of master control."
So Amanda Macguffin here, hacks all the rides to stop them from being dangerous,
while the three stooges chase around the Ninjas in a really awful and unfunny chase sequence.
[Fat Baddie] "You couldn't hit an elf in the butt with a bazooka!"
[BASS BOOSTED INSANE MUSIC]
[The] three Ninjas make good use of their ninja training by horribly torturing and attacking the three stooges.
And right after this very line of dialogue I'm about to show you,
I just put my head in my hands and started weeping.
[Bad Jamaican accent] "'Ey, man! Check this ooot."
[silence]
These scenes just keep going on until the movie finally ends
after the Ninjas somehow fire a bomb into the boat shown earlier,
which kills everyone.
There is only one word I can think of to describe this movie...
From this scene,
[Lady Baddie] "Maybe I'll show you mercy and make you my boy toy."
[Hulk Hogan] "Thanks. I'd rather be mauled by wolves."
To when one of the terrorists tries to butcher a small child with a sword.
This movie just has no idea what it's doing.
I said,
out loud, multiple times, when I was watching this.
I couldn't believe what was happening.
And I thought the tone of the "Transformers" movies was weird and unbalanced.
The thing is,
you just can't have a children's movie where the plot is a bunch of terrorists invade a theme park and threaten to murder everyone.
Are the people who made this movie fucking insane?
What the hell was wrong with them?
Take a step back and really think about the thought process that went behind making this movie.
It kind of has a budget.
There were plenty of people working on it.
Just think, someone sat down and actually wrote this as a script.
This movie goes beyond an abomination.
It's a celebration of lazy filmmaking,
topped with a tone that makes me want to take a shower every time I even think about it.
"Druids" is a masterpiece in comparison to this!
At least I had a good laugh in the complete ineptitude of that movie.
Well, I guess there's movie as inept as well,
but in such a clueless and insulting way
that it makes me writhe and sweat at how uncomfortable it is.
This is the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
Avoid this movie at all costs.
And Christ, this is only the second movie in "The Search for the Worst".
What in God's name have I agreed to?
[Canny American Accent] Okay, folks, so what's up next in "The Search for the Worst"? Place your bets now!
Oh no.
[low boom]
Well, there it is. The second episode in "The Search for the Worst". Make sure you check out the first episode if you haven't yet.
And why not check out some of my other videos while you're there. Might as well, right?
And as always, thanks for watching; all comments and ratings are appreciated;
I'll see ya next time. BYE.
[Slow-mo Distort] "Surprise!"
[EARRAPE CLOWN MUSIC]