Good morning, John - today, I'm gonna tell you a bunch of jokes
that are gonna make you go "har har har" [sarcastically]
but you - really - you're gonna enjoy.
You're gonna pretend that you don't enjoy, but you're gonna like 'em.
I'm planning on beating my previous record; that will require fifty-two jokes
in less than four minutes.
Let's go.
What do you call a five-foot psychic that's escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
Why did the mermaid wear seashells?
'Cause she grew out of her 'B' shells.
What concert costs forty-five cents?
50 Cent ... featuring Nickelback.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool.
What is invisible, but smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway.
How does Jack Frost get to work?
Bi-icycle.
B'icicle. [laughs]
Why did the Face of Boe go to the party by himself?
'Cause he had no body to go with.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh [still pronounced "fish"].
When I found out my toaster was not waterproof,
I was shocked!
How often do I make chemistry jokes?
Periodically.
I actually told one just the other day!
...There was no reaction.
My boss, he told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
...I totally nailed it.
If the mushroom was such a fun guy [fungi],
why didn't they have the party at his house?
'Cause there wasn't mush room! [laughs creepily]
Why did Cleopatra fall off the swing?
Because she's dead.
What's orange, and sounds like parrots?
Carrots.
The spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Ookay, I think it's under control.
(Heh, 'cause control is a key...)
What does Gary Newman want to be when he grows up?
Gary Oldman. [laughs] Everyone wants to be Gary Oldman, though.
What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?
Yeah, it's Barackoli [broccoli]. Barackoli, right?
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. 'Cause all the rest,
they're weekdays [weak days].
What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a banjo player?
A tattoo.
(I don't know why banjo players. I dunno!)
My friends and I, we put on a performance about puns.
...It was basically just a play on words.
Why do the French only use one egg per omelet?
Because, in France, one egg is un oeuf [enough]. [laughs]
What did the shy pebble wish?
Just that she was a little boulder [bolder].
A little boulder! Why is that so cute?
Did you hear that David lost his ID in Prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven has cold, dead eyes.
What do you call a pencil without lead?
Pointless.
Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na [singing, to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony].
How do you make an octopus giggle ten giggles?
You give him ten tickles [tentacles].
(Ten tickles!) [laughing]
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting owl.
Interrupting owl-
WHO!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says:
"Why the long face?" And the horse says:
"I'm finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart."
What do you call a man who shaves twenty times a day?
A barber.
What did one eye say to the other eye?
"Between you and me, man, something smells."
Never trust an atom; they make up everything!
I took the shell off my racing snail, 'cause I thought maybe
I'd make it a little faster,
but if anything, it's more sluggish.
Why did the Dalek cross the road?
To enslave humanity.
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What did the hat say to the hat rack?
"You stay here, I'll go on ahead."
Why were the broom late for work?
'Cus it overswept.
Did you hear? Oxygen and magnesium are totally going out.
It's, like, OMg.
Did you hear that the two antennas got married?
I heard the ceremony was kind of terrible, but the reception was awesome.
What's ET short for?
So he can fit on his space ship.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making head lines.
My granddad had the heart of a lion.
...and a lifetime ban from the Bronx Zoo.
Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America?
Elementary, my dear Watson.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl goin' to the bathroom?
'Cause the "P" [pee] is silent.
A Golden Retriever and an Irish Setter are on vacation.
The Irish Setter says to the Golden Retriever, "Man, I just met two Brazilian dogs."
And the Golden Retriever is like: "Oh, how, how many is a Brazilian?"
How do you cook toilet paper?
It's easy! You just brown it, and then you throw it into the pot.
Two whales walk into a bar.
One of them is like: "Hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh." [whale noises]
And the other one is like,
"Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk!"
I wasn't sure it was possible, but here we are,
fifty-three jokes and four minutes later.
Thank you, everybody on Twitter, for suggesting jokes for me.
If you want more like this, I've done a few of these over the years.
And John, I'll see you on Tuesday.