Hey.
This is Clayton.
And in this video, I'm going to answer a question that I get from a lot of clients that are
going through breakups with their girlfriends or wives.
And the question that they are asking is, “does my ex still love me now?”
It's an interesting question to ask because the assumption that they're making is that
if they do, if their ex does still love them then that means they should be together.
And that unfortunately is a mistake because even though the person that you are with may
still love you, it doesn't actually mean that the two of you are compatible or that there
aren’t stronger feelings – stronger negative feeling that outweighs the love that they
have for you and that's typically the reason why they left.
Now this question was actually asked by a client that I had worked with a couple months
ago, who had been through a breakup with a woman over the holidays.
Now they've been together for several years and right around Christmas what happened was
she expressed her love to him and there was this renewed sense of hope.
They had gone through a bit of a rocky time and she was talking about how much she loved
him and how great of a guy he was, how lucky she was.
And then within two weeks of saying that maybe it was even a week, suddenly she just left
him.
And the explanation was, “I'm just not feeling it anymore.”
And that's where this question came up with him, he was saying, “Well God you know what,
does she still love me?
What the hell is going on?
How can she say one thing and then act another?”
So, let's actually dive into that so you have a better understanding of how this happens
in a relationship and what's going on inside her head.
So typically, if you're in that situation where your girlfriend was saying one thing
and then suddenly her emotions which completely and she's doing something completely different
than what she said, loving you and then breaking up with you, it's because there was some type
it's because there was some type of unspoken unarticulated or unexpressed emotion that
she had that was negative towards you.
There was some problem that she had with you, maybe there was an argument— recurrent argument
that kept coming over.
It was complained that she had where she didn't feel that you are changing or she didn't feel
that there was the space for her to voice concerns into the relationship with you.
And therefore, rather than continue to voice it and confront you about it she began to
balance bottle it up and maybe just talk to her friends about it.
And overtime this issue because it didn't get resolved it was like this bitch that wasn't
getting scratched and it built up over and over and over again.
Until finally this negative emotion is so much that whenever there was something that
you did that triggered this emotion to come out, it had a tsunami of emotion behind it
that would cause her to drop into this negative emotional state and come to some logical conclusions
about maybe that she just can't be with you anymore.
She's not going to put herself through this.
She just can't do this anymore and that eclipses the love.
So that's how a woman can go from loving you one moment in saying she wants to be with
you too next thing you know being triggered by something that because the issues have
not been addressed and resolved to both people satisfaction that one trigger has all of this
negative emotion built up behind it that completely eclipses the love that she has for you and
just “boom”, she just makes the decision that she needs to leave, that she needs to
move on because she's not going to put herself through that again.
So if you've gone through this and you are either wanting to break out of that cycle
and be able to have a stronger relationship with a new woman moving forward or if you
are wanting to go backwards and be able to have the opportunity to reconcile and save
the relationship then the way to handle this is you've got to be able to step up and be
comfortable, allowing her to express her emotions, her needs in a way where you don't get defensive,
where you don't step in and get triggered and immediately try to invalidate her reality,
justify why you're right and why she's wrong or step away and shut down from the conversation
and not give her the space to be able to express these negative emotions and get them out.
Because the longer she holds onto these negative emotions that she has with you, it's like
acid that corrodes the foundation of your relationship.
And although it feels better temporarily to not have to deal with that, it's much healthier
for the relationship if you are strong enough to allow her to express this acidity and this
anger that she's got towards you and actually listen to her and get her reality and understand
why she's feeling the way she's feeling what unmet needs that she have that she feels are
present in the relationship.
And for you to be able to withstand that without trying to fix her, without invalidating her,
without giving her an ultimatum, without getting defensive and something beautiful happens
when you are able to be strong enough to hold space for her --to be able to do that with
you, she begins to respect you more.
She begins to sort through her own processes and she begins to believe that because you
are listening to her because you're truly getting what's happening that now you are
well informed enough to be able to make a change in the relationship and make a change
with herself.
Because she's essentially holding up a mirror for you to look into and some of it might
be her own business that she's working through and some of it is absolutely yours that is
worth you taking a look at insane and that's where a relationship peak can become this
tool for your own self development and it's not easy it takes courage it takes you being
willing to step outside of your logic, step outside of all the reasons and rationale that
you have about being right and allow her to be your mirror.
So, you can look at yourself more clearly and say, “Okay what is it that I need to
let go of in order to move into a deeper relationship with myself and a deeper relationship with
her?
You know now that we're in this together and I'm seeing that there's a vision for both
of us, what habits do I have?
What ways of being do I have that are hurting the relationship and are not only honoring
me but not honoring her?”
I actually created a video the other week called the 4 Reasons That Women Leave Men
and you can click on this link right here.
You can watch that and there are four common reasons why women will pull out of relationships
with men and these are the more subtle reasons they're not the ones that are quite so obvious
and they're often ones that the women can't even articulate so check that out if you get
a chance now.
If you would like some help with the situation, you can feel free to click on the link below
and you can get my guide which is called the 8 Secrets to Create A Rock-Solid Relationship.
And if you're interested in doing any one-on-one work you can also work with me, there's a
link on my website and we can schedule time to talk through your specific situation and
really get a read on what happened get to the root of the relationship dysfunction.
And help you break out of that pattern and really show up in your own life in the face
of love in the face of the relationship that you want to create with more power with more
clarity and with more focus to be able to build and create what you want