Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all about parenting, good communication and
family relationships all over the world through the lens of self-government
and in this video I'm going to be talking about how to parent with depression.
In this video I'm going to share with you a true story from my life, a story that might surprise
some people and I'm gonna share with you five tips for parenting with depression. So I have four
children and after the birth of my fourth child, something went different, went wrong I would say
in my head. I noticed a major change in me. I felt like this wave came over me and that suddenly I
felt something detached in my brain. They told me that I had something called post traumatic stress
and because the birth went very traumatically and there was a lot of things that happened afterward
that were a little bit traumatizing as well to me psychologically I think and so then I ended
up with this post-traumatic stress. Well I had a hard time. I was experiencing claustrophobia
outside and all kinds of things, just normal everyday things that I couldn't handle. I was
having panic attacks and stuff like that. So I also felt kind of down during this time so I had some
depression during this time and just didn't feel like I was quite myself. There were things that
were bothering me at the time, noises would bother me, questioning would bother me, people would bother
me and if anyone knows me, that would shock them because I am not the type of person that shies
away from people ever. In fact it did shock me that I was experiencing these types of feelings
and I knew that it was something going on inside my brain. I was having some sort of mental illness
that I had never experienced before. In fact prior to that time, I had never experienced
mental illness before and even though that was a difficult time in my life to get through, I am
actually very happy that I got the opportunity to experience that so that when people say I
feel like this that I actually can understand a teeny bit a teeny bit understand, nowhere
near to the same degree but when somebody says I'm experiencing depression, I
can recognize what that might be a little bit. When somebody says I've experienced some anxiety,
I know what that means, I know what it feels like to feel like somehow you have the anxiety
even though you're not choosing to have it and you don't know why it's going on, that's
what happened to me during that time and it was very disconcerting for me. So what did I do? Well I
ended up on some medication which was very good, it was a godsend at the time and so for a few months
I had to have some medication to keep things equaled out for me, which worked out but also there
were some other things that I needed to do during that time such as raise a baby and three other
little children. So I had four children at my house, one of them a newborn babe. What was I going to do
when i wasn't feeling like myself yet? In fact it took quite some time for me to feel like myself
again and to not have some of these panic attacks and some of this depression and anxiety that I was
experiencing. So I had to hold on to certain things, things that I knew would not lead me astray. So
I made a plan. It was my happiness plan that I was going to have during that time of parenting. I knew
I needed to be a consistent parent for my children, I couldn't use my own condition
as an excuse for not doing the right type of parenting for them. They needed instruction,
correction, they needed someone to be there for them to give them attention but I wasn't feeling
fully up to it because I was worn out because when you're processing a lot in your head and you're
experiencing depression and stuff, it actually wears you out. I mean it makes you tired a lot
so I had to decide okay I'm going to have a go to bed time, I'm going to have a wake-up time,
I'm going to even have a nap every day even though I've got all these little children around me
and I'm homeschooling to boot. Okay because I was a homeschooler at the time but I thought I'm going
to get through this, it's going to be okay so this is probably one of the first things that I could
tell you is that your mental frame of mind is important. Sometimes depression could go on for
a really long period of time, sometimes it could be chronic, it could be something that maybe never
will completely go away but you can always tell yourself you can get through this. You can get
through it. My mother dealt with depression for a long time so she had a similar experience like I
did after a child birth going totally wrong and she ended up almost dying and so she kind of had
a post-traumatic thing too and they didn't know what was going on with her, she didn't seek help,
she didn't know to ask for help, she thought maybe it was postpartum or something and that it would
kind of go away but it never did go away and so she ended up having clinical psychosis
and having depression, that was just now her normal. And she spent years and years and years with that.
I can honestly say- I shouldn't say spent with, she still has to deal with it from time to time.
She has to tell herself no, don't think that, don't say those words to yourself. Be optimistic, be
positive. She has to choose to do that on purpose on a regular basis. It's heroic to me that she
picks that. When I was young, I was critical of it because I didn't understand it because I saw
something changed in my mom and I didn't like it but now after having that tiny experience that I
had and seeing what she has had to battle for all of these years ,it's heroic to me what she has done.
She has maintained optimism the majority of the time, she has woken up every morning, stayed awake
every day and now she's older and her hormone levels and chemical levels have changed
a bit so that it's not as bad as it used to be and I love seeing her get some of that reprieve,
that feeling of relief from all of that stuff that she has dealt with. Honestly it is a heroic thing
to decide to carry on anyway to get through it and I think that probably all of us know people in our
lives who have set that amazing example for us. So what can you do to get through it? Number one, you
have to tell yourself you can. You have to look at the bright side of things even though it's
not the first thing you see. You have to say wait a minute I'm seeing that but what else can I see?
You've got to ask yourself questions and try to find the optimistic. Also trying to incorporate the
spiritual in your life is going to be vital. If you can hold on to a power that is greater than your
own, the power of God in your life, that is going to make a difference for you. I know some people
maybe think that doesn't make a difference for me, I've tried. God does nothing for me,
just know that every person's journey is on its own timetable and that he is aware
and he might be there in ways you don't know. If you are a god-fearing person like I am, don't
forget to bring him into it too. I have five tips to share with you, things that you can do to better
improve your chances of parenting in a positive way while dealing with your own depression but
before I do, hit that subscribe button now. There are so many great videos here on this channel
that teach vital things that you will need, things you can hold on to even though you're dealing
with some of your own processing issues. Click the subscribe button now, get the support that you need.
Years ago, I did treatment foster care. I did treatment foster care before the birth of my
last child so by the time I had my last child, we had finished doing foster care and so I had
developed a system that involved certain skills that I taught the children that came to my home
and certain skills that I would be utilizing for myself. Each one of these skills had a script
So there were certain words that I would say in a certain order. I had learned these words. These
words, these scripts were words that I could hold onto so that I could trust that my parenting was
going in the right direction, no matter how I felt in the moment. This was huge. If you want to know my
scripts then you can look for this book, Parenting A House United. All of the scripts are in this book.
My teaching self-government parenting course, the TSG parenting course, will actually teach you how
to implement these scripts into your home. You have a script already in your mind that you say
especially when it's a bad day. There's a script that jumps into the forefront of your mind and
you're tempted to say it. You know you shouldn't say it, it leads things in the wrong direction
but what do you say instead? You've got to have other words to say and that's where I really want
to help. So I taught myself things like the four basic skills: how to follow instructions, accept "no"
answers and criticism, accept consequences, disagree appropriately. I taught those to my children too so
they knew all the scripts as well. I taught myself and the children the script for how to correct a
negative behavior, how to handle it when someone was going completely out of instructional control,
how to pre-teach for good behaviors, how to do parent counseling sessions. I taught myself how to
do all of these skills so even if it wasn't a good day for me, I could still be on my game as a parent.
Think of what that could mean to you. In fact I'm going to share a lot more tips here but
that one tip right there, just giving you the words to say so you don't say the emotional words,
life changing. My second tip is connection. Connection is a vital for energy and happiness.
If you want more energy, you need to be more bonded to people. Connecting your relationships,
spend time reading with the children, playing with the children even if you're not in the mood, just
do it. You will benefit from those connections. Have good meaningful conversations and make sure
that you cuddle and touch someone every single day. Tip number three, have regular meetings.
Have regular meetings with your spouse and have regular meetings with your children.
So, I have family meetings, couples meetings and individual mentor meetings. These meetings help
us remember the direction we're headed. When I had my time where I wasn't my full self, I
relied heavily upon these meetings. We would make a plan and then everybody in the family would follow
through with the plan for that week. So even if I had a moment that wasn't one of my best moments,
everyone knew what the plan was. Maybe mom's a little extra tired, I'm gonna carry on
because I've already told myself I'm going to carry on but they are going to follow through
with the plan, they are going to self-govern. They know how to follow instructions, accept "no" answers
and criticism, accept consequences, disagree appropriately, set goals and follow through
and because I taught them how to do that, that made everything easier for me. So have meetings
where you follow through. If you don't know how to have a really good, effective family meeting,
couples meeting or individual mentor meeting with your child, don't worry. The TSG parenting
course teaches all of that too. Now you've heard me mention these four basic skills. Well
one of the four basic skills is accepting a "no" answer. So the fact that you are experiencing
depression right now or the times when you do experience depression, those are "no" answers.
You can't necessarily change it especially if it's just mental illness that you're
dealing with. So what you have to do is you have to look at the situation,
keep a calm face, voice and body about it, say okay and then drop the subject. Dropping the subject can
seem really hard. But first that calmness bit can seem even harder. So tip number four is learn how
to be calm. There is a whole class that I teach called the power of calm. It's on my course, the
teaching self-government parenting course. So find that class, power of calm and it shares
the six-step process that I went through for how to be calm when someone else wasn't, how to help
them get to calmness without losing my calmness at the same time. Calmness is vital even if things are
not processing perfectly inside, if you can teach yourself the step-by-step process to go through
for how to be calm in any circumstance, it'll be amazing how much more energy you have in the
tough situations. Tip number five is to drop the subject, that's that last
step to accepting a "no" answer is letting it go, drop the subject, stop that repetitive processing.
If there is one thing that happens to a person who's dealing with depression, it's your thoughts
end up on a cycle and they just spin spin spin and you get that repetitive processing.
You've got to tell yourself to let that go, to drop the subject so that you can put a
new thought in your head. In fact you may need to prepare a new thought to put in your head each
day when that repetitive processing occurs. Just prep yourself, prep your brain as soon as I start
thinking I can't or as soon as i start thinking I'm too worn out, they don't care, whatever it is
that instead I'm gonna think to myself I can do this, I did it yesterday, I can do it today too.
Since you stayed to the end of this video, I would like to give you a free class. So there is an
entire full-length class on this channel and it is called the expectation trap versus the cycle for
success. This class will really help you develop your connection and not fall into mental traps
that you might be experiencing as you're trying to parent with depression. It will also help you
learn some of the vital skills that you need to be successful as a parent as well. So click on
the link to the expectation trap versus the cycle for success now. I'll see you there.