Hey, what up? It's ya boy. Too depressed to work, so I filled this bag with Taco Bell. Let's go spoil Endgame.
Alright. So, the first step for spoiling Endgame is you want to have at least a reasonable understanding of what happens in the movie.
And the most efficient way of accomplishing that...
is to just go see it.
So, I guess that's the next step.
So, this is possibly the weirdest thing to gripe about, but they changed the ticket printer,
and they're just--they're so long now. Like, look how long these tickets are! It's as long as my hand.
Alright, next step: try to make sure you get a somewhat reasonable seat.
[Wholesome stock music plays] 3 HOURS LATER
Alright, now that you've seen Infinity War, you're ready to spoil it, but you're already at the mall.
So, you might as well go, like, get a hoodie or something.
Okay, so, first off, I just want to warn you that Endgame is full of a ton of spoilers for...
Avengers: Endgame, so, if you don't want to be spoiled on Endgame, don't go see Avengers: Endgame. It's, like, just...
...wall to wall spoilers.
Y'know, I'm just gonna say it doesn't matter how depressed you are, if your brain tells you to get 10 burritos...
Don't do it. So, if you just want to be able to talk about Endgame,
but you don't want to have to deal with the burden of details,
then your main talking points are going to be about how...
introspective the first hour is, how fan-servicey the last hour is, and...
the great use of wide shots. There's some very well-composed wide shots, and...
beats in the movie, and so, like, if you just kind of take those three...
vague talking points and just...
ramble about how, like, "Oh man, you know, I really did like how...
introspective the first hour is, like, it was really -
- really had the characters, like, look inside themselves and...
grapple with sort of the meaning of things."
Y'know, if you just riff like that for a good five minutes,
you can convince anyone that you actually saw the movie.
I want to keep going, but it's way too hot in my car, and I'm right next to a highway.
So, if I open my window, there's gonna be way too much noise, so...
let's - let's go home and do this.
[Soft cutesy pet voice] Hey Amy, come here...come here Amy. Yeah, come here. There we go, there's Amy.
That's Amy's side.
[Whispers] Aww, there's an Amy.
Now, if you don't want to be burdened with details, but you want to sound like you can talk about the movie,
but you don't want to sound, like, super positive,
then your core talking points are going to be that, like, the middle of the movie is just...
like, kind of...
...there. It's just a lot of make-work and a lot of it doesn't really have, you know,
stakes or complications that come back in any meaningful way;
that Captain Marvel is integrated into the film in a really...
inelegant way; and...
that for a huge chunk of the movie, they basically push every female character off-screen,
but then, they all get a giant, like, action group shot together, and I guess that's supposed to make it all okay.
That it's, like, well, "Hey, look, they get a big moment of badass". It's like a yearbook photo of...
of kick-ass female characters.
Sorry only one and a half of them got actual emotional development during the film itself.
So, if you're looking for the kind of raw spoilers that you're going to, like, shout out the window of a car -
- the main ones would be that Thanos gets punked in, like, the first 10 minutes of the movie;
Black Widow dies; Iron Man dies; and...
Captain America gets old and retires.
So, those are gonna be your four main, like,
things that people are gonna be, like, the most sensitive about because they're, you know,
twists, or major plot developments,
or whatnot. Hey, Amy, what are you getting into over there?
Hey, Amy, what are you getting into? Amy...
Amy...
Sitting through the movie and going through it, it was very well constructed,
and it was an enjoyable ride, and I had a good time, and it was emotionally satisfying, but...
kind of insubstantial. Like, it's been...
an hour, and...
a bit since I got out of the movie and, already, I feel like I've moved on.
Like, I'm - I'm -- I'm done.
In a certain way, there's actually kind of this catharsis. Because, it's like the core -
- the MCU that has been just...
...bloating and...
...building for the last decade, twenty-some-odd...
movies, it's like, "Okay, it's over."
"We are free!"
So, how the plot ends up playing out is that,
basically, the Avengers can't just fix the problem and...
completely undo the first movie. So, what they do is a time heist.
They build a time machine, go back in time,
steal the Infinity Stones from various points in the previous movies,
with the promise that they're gonna come back and, like, return them.
Kind of like:
"We'll be back in a minute! Like, one minute after we take the stones,
we'll just show up and put them back, and it'll all be good!". And....uh
Y'know, and through this,
Past Thanos ends up getting alerted to their plan. And so, the big showdown at the end of the movie...
after...
everyone has been "unsnapped", is a showdown between...
all the heroes and a past version of Thanos. So, you have everybody getting revenge on...
the same dude, a...dude
who has not yet done the thing...
that you're getting revenge on him for. Even though he, like,
personality-wise, has 100 percent confirmed that...
He would do the same thing again, and is in fact
actively trying to accomplish exactly the thing - like he still needs to be stopped.
He is still trying to get the gauntlet and, like, snap everyone and also as far as he's concerned --
-- well, I guess because it's now in a -- he's trying to like...
...redo it.
But anyway, like I feel like a bunch of the meat is taken out of it by the fact that like this Thanos...
...doesn't know any of these people,
and hasn't see them before.
And there's even a moment that calls attention to this.
Where like -- so Scarlet Witch, after she gets unsnapped,
she gets a little one-on-one duel
with Thanos, and she's like "You took everything from me!"
Because Vision doesn't come back, 'cause Vision got killed not snapped.
So, Vision is still dead.
So, she's like "You took everything from me!" and he's just like..."I don't know who you are."
And she's like "You will!" - and I thought that was gonna be a setup for her like,
for like a moment where she uses her powers to like...
Show him the consequences of what he did...
But no, they just -- they just punch each other...
I'm just gonna sit here and eat the remainder of all of these.