hi it's dr fox licensed psychologist in state of texas an expert in the area of
personality disorders and in this video we're going to talk about being attracted
to that same personality type right perhaps you've had this experience
that you know you're the one type of person you see all of these personality traits and things
like that and then you're like i don't like those personality traits and then so and you don't it
doesn't work out so then you end up breaking up then you go out with someone else and when you
go out with that someone else then you're like hey wait this person has these same personality traits
right over and over and over again so you you keep dating in essence that same type of person
you keep having relationships with that same type of person well why is that well that's what we're
going to explore in this video okay so please like share and subscribe and let's get started okay so
you know we've all kind of had that right why are we gravitating to these same personality types
what is it about these individuals that kind of draws us in right that we are initially attracted
to and it's not even something conscious right it's something that you sort of feel you feel
connected to this person so you go into a a bar let's say right if people still go to bars let's
say covert things over right and you're able to go into a bar and then right so there's three
different people first person you know sort of something second person you're like oh they're
kind of cool but nothing then the third person you kind of like hey really attracted him or her what
is it about that there's actually an attraction to the personality types and the expression of those
different personality types and what happens is that we all have these different personality types
that we're attracted to that we're comfortable with now understand that comfortable doesn't mean
cozy it's not like comfortable good it just means what we're used to that comfortability is what
we're used to so we gravitate to what we're what we're used to what we understand to be common
okay to understand what we feel like we match with and i think the best way to look at this
is to imagine right that it is christmas morning right whether you celebrate it or not right just
roll with me with this example right so it's christmas morning right you go downstairs you get
all these different packages and all the different packages have different wrappings right they have
different wrapping paper different bows different tags whatever it is right they all different sizes
things like that but you open up the first package right maybe it's a shiny wrapper and
it's the same gift inside right then you go to the next one because it's shaped a little differently
right maybe it's a little bigger it's a little smaller you know whatever it is so you unwrap it
same gift inside then right you go to the next and that next one right maybe that one is a little
awkwardly shaped you know there's something about it you're not quite sure you unwrap it same gift
inside and that's what we're talking about we're talking about that attraction that connection
and it has to do somewhat with attachment which i've done other videos on secure and
insecure relationships and other attachment issues but this is specifically what is it
about those personality components that kind of draws us what is it that we feel connected to
as they relate to those different personality patterns and if they're not positive can you
do anything about it well you actually can right so let's let's go a little bit more
in into this so what happens is we actually end up connecting with those that reflect
our sense of value and what that means is so if you don't really feel good about yourself
i think that there's a tendency to gravitate towards those who aren't very nice who aren't
very kind to you now initially that everybody you know presumably is nice you know that's one of
those initial attractors but once we sort of take away the layers we take the mask off you start to
see that those are those personality components those are the components that attracted you
and you were able to kind of sniff it out right you can't actually smell it right you know what i
mean but you're attracted to it there's something there and it's that it reflects your sense
of value and what happens with a lot of folks along the bpd spectrum or even other personality
disorders or personality types you don't even have to have a disorder all of us do this we're
all attracted to particular personality types and what happens is is that we get indicators of that
small indicators of those personality types and sometimes they're off-handed comments sometimes
they're backhanded comments sometimes they're deriding comments whatever they are and you
end up sort of connecting to that first okay this person and that's where that connection is because
they're tapping into your sense of worth and value that connects to your personality to your
view of self and when that happens that's that attraction that's that initial attraction and
if if you don't do any work on it which we're going to talk about that in just a second about
how to do it differently is that you end up over and over and over dating the same type of person
that has these personality traits you end up right christmas morning or getting a gift it's
always the same gift inside the wrapping looks a little different but it's the same gift inside and
that is the thing that i think a lot of folks struggle with like why am i always dating the
same type of person why are they always this why are they always that why are they always
narcissistic why are they always neglectful why are they always you know angry whatever it may be
and it's because of those initial indicators but you can do it differently so i work with
a lot of my clients once we get to a point where we talk about like relationships meeting people
and how that reflects our sense of self we work on this and how do we do it well i'm gonna tell you
now okay so the first thing we do is you have to recognize and be honest with yourself the
type that you're attracted to what is it so think back right about your longest term relationships
okay and what were those similarity components right what were those personality components
that were consistent across all the folks that you dated and take out a piece of paper and a pen or
put it in your phone or wherever you want but write it out okay so similar personality traits
and that could be they were outgoing that could be that they were anxious that could be that they
were nervous that could be that they had anger issues that could be that they were very kind that
whatever it is write them out it doesn't always write out the negative because we
want to find the positive 2. we want to build your awareness particularly into those negatives
but then okay so you're going to make your list you make your list of of those personality traits
that you see most common in those that you've dated for a long period of time then what i want
you to do is think about what personality traits do you want in a partner right a lot of people say
well i want someone who's patient i want someone who's kind i want someone who's cool like dr fox
that once but ah just i was just kidding but but you could write that down but so what whatever you
you write out so you write out those personality traits okay then what i want you to do is write
how would it be exhibited like how would you notice if somebody let's say is patient okay
now patience right you could say that when someone makes a mistake they don't get upset when
when you or someone else is running late right they don't seem to get frustrated they seem to be
able to wait in different circumstances right and that is that indicator because we want to learn
what what are the components that we we are going to be attracted to now understand there's going
to be a little bit of dissonance there because you also have to work on yourself too you also
have to confront a lot of that inconsistency and that concern with those underlying issues
that maybe you don't feel like you deserve someone who's patient maybe you don't feel like
that you deserve someone who's kind that you that you deserve to be treated well that you deserve to
have someone who apologizes for wronging you or somebody who actually avoids wronging you
disrespecting you and sarcasm counts for this too sarcasm is is an odd way
of abusing someone else right it sounds funny and you and it can be written off as a joke
but it's actually very hurtful so sarcasm that may be something that you would want to avoid
people that are really sarcastic that doesn't mean you can't take a joke right but that means that
there's certain areas that are not funny right if you have areas of concern or things that you're
maybe not comfortable with but things with the way you look or the way you carry yourself
or the job you have whatever it is and that person makes sarcastic comments about that
that hurts you right and you don't deserve that so it's about recognizing that you don't deserve that
and being true to yourself saying if someone says that to you that you then have to establish
that boundary where that's inappropriate i'm not going to be with someone who treats me like that
who uses sarcasm to get a to get away with abusing me and if they do say oh it's just a joke then you
have to explain to them but it's not a joke to me and it's hurtful to me and if they keep doing it
that isn't impinging on your boundary and that's when you push back and say well you know i wish
you all the best beat it right and so there's some other things that that you can do as well
and the last component to work on is that you want to work on your worth you want to work on yourself
you want to work on what are the things inside of you right that you feel are
your challenging personality traits maybe it's low patients maybe if if we look at the five
the five factor model right so that's openness to experience how open are you to new experiences
to trying new things if you are going to date different people you're going to need to move up
on that openness to experience to try dating new people initially you may be like oh they're bored
they're boring you know that that you got to be careful of that we could do a whole video just on
that because what that means is that you could be equating passion with violence passion with
anxiety and upheaval in the relationship that's not what what passion really is that's not what
healthy passion is and then so going back to our five factor model and then we say
conscientiousness so conscientiousness is a nice thing right so i like it in a lot of people that i
work with that means that they're consistent that means that they worry about getting things done
following through on tasks we want that and what about e the next one is extroversion right how
outgoing are you know what's one perhaps you're not comfortable with somebody who's super outgoing
the life of the party you prefer somebody who's a little more introverted somebody who doesn't need
to get energized with a with a large group of folks by the way being introverted is not a
negative that's not a personality disorder that's just what you're comfortable with i think it's
important to to remember that as well and then there is agreeableness so how agreeable are they
right so if plans change are those individuals able to sort of pivot when necessary right when
those plans change they get upset do they get frustrated do they use sarcasm right are they
mean to you are they frustrating do they get angry and throw a tantrum right adults throw tantrums
we know that okay so how agreeable are they and then that last one so what about neuroticism so
how anxious and neurotic are they right all of us have a degree of anxiety and to a certain degree
anxiety is a good thing it helps us move forward and helps us challenge things that that we might
be afraid of but when we talk about neuroticism we're talking about a really sort of negative
really adversely impacting sense of anxiety that really can cause problems and if you mix
sort of uh low frustration tolerance and anxiety and neuroticism together you can end up not always
but you can end up with somebody that has really poor behavioral control which means that they
could act violently towards you and that's one of the things right are you worth more than that
and you have to challenge that to yourself and using those different components so look at
the components in your partner look at those personality components what do you want what
are the personality components you're seeing most common in those that you've dated okay and which
ones do you like which ones don't you then what about yourself right it's always important that we
look back at ourselves what are those personality components in us okay that we want to look at that
we want to change that we want to focus on and you have to keep trying to try them every day
throughout the day and they will become a habit but you have to unlearn those old negative habits
to start learning new better adaptive habits but you totally can do it it is completely possible to
change the relationships that you're in to build your sense of attraction to people that are more
healthy or healthier how's that healthier for you you can totally do it it is completely possible
absolutely possible i've done it working with with my clients for a really really long time
and some people are able to grasp onto it quicker than others and that's okay your pace is your pace
your face doesn't have to be my client space or anybody else's so i hope you found this helpful
please like share and subscribe and thank you very much i wish you all the best take care bye