(upbeat music)
- But they have a rule in my neighborhood,
if you walk your dog
and your dog does his business in somebody else's yard,
you need to get a little plastic bag,
pick it up and dispose of it.
(audience laughing)
And I know the dogs are confused.
The dogs are like,
"wait a minute, you're taking it back home?"
(audience laughing)
Why did we have to walk three blocks?
I could have pooped in the living room,
saved us both some embarrassing.
(audience cheering)
What a stupid rule.
Why would they have us pick it up?
It's fertilizer.
It makes the grass grow.
Lord, it's not like some child is gonna step in
and a kid hadn't played in the yard since 1982.
(audience applauding)
You know what sad?
We have an entire generation
that has no idea how to get dog poop
off the bottom of their shoe.
(audience laughing)
But when I was growing up,
we played in the yard every day
and every day somebody stepped in dog poo.
And when it was your turn, you knew what to do about it.
You would hobble over to the curb
and scrape the biggest part of on the edge of the curb.
Then you would find a puddle
and you would swirl the bottom of your shoe
around in the puddle.
Then limp over to the grass
and do the brushstroke back and forth.
(audience applauding)
Then you would find a little bitty piece of stick
(audience laughing)
and you would sit down on the curb
and you would pick it out
of the zigzag pattern on the bottom.
(audience applauding)
Then you wear those shoes to church the next day,
and nobody in that church knew you'd stepped in dog poo.
(audience laughing)
See when it comes to technology,
my wife and I laugh about this
because we're in our mid-fifties.
And my wife says we are the bologna in the technology,
bologna sandwich.
We're right in the middle
because our parents can't text
and our children can't write.
(audience laughing)
My kids don't even think you need to study.
They're like, dad, if you wanna know something,
you just Google it.
And to a point they're right.
I mean, when I was growing up,
if you were watching TV and somebody said,
"What was that guy in?"
You'd go.
"Well, he looks familiar."
That was it.
(audience laughing)
Now you're watching TV somebody goes.
"What was that guy in?"
And somebody goes.
"He was the janitor on Joey."
(audience laughing)
Of course he was.
But I try to tell my kids.
I said, yeah, there's a lot of stuff
you can learn from Google.
I said, but there's just as much stuff
you can't learn from Google.
You only learn it from life experience.
You would usually learn most of it the hard way.
It's stuff that's not Googleable.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if that's a word,
(audience laughing)
but I call them the facts of life.
It's stuff you can't Google, like this fact of life.
If you were trying to get to the bathroom
in an emergency situation,
it is not a wise idea to unbutton your pants in transit,
trying to save a couple of seconds
because the muscles that guard the flood gates
will interpret the unbuttoning
as the signal to abandon their posts.
(audience laughing)
And the two seconds you saved on the button
are nullified by the hour and a half,
you spend mopping and doing laundry.
(audience laughing)
You only learn that the hard way.
(audience laughing)
Fact of life, if you are going to see a scary movie
at the movie theater,
it will be much more entertaining.
If you can find a seat
directly behind a group of black women,
(audience laughing)
because not only will you get the scary movie,
you will also get their running commentary
of the scary movie.
(audience laughing)
"Oh, look at this, she run around in her panties like that?
Girl, put some droves on
and put that hair up
before he snatched that weave out your head."
"Now, can you see this girlfriend?
She going back in the house."
"No, she's gone down to the basement
girl, get your shit and get out there now."
(audience laughing)
Fact of life, women always have more questions
than men have answers to, great example of this,
six, seven months ago, I get a text one day.
The text says please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.
I walked into the kitchen where my wife is,
I said, "Hey, I just got a text said, please pray for Tom.
He was in a bad wreck."
She said, "Was he driving?"
I said, "I don't know.
I just got texted please pray for Tom.
He was in a bad wreck."
"Where Carolyn the kids in the car with him?"
"I don't know.
I just got texted please pray for Tom.
He was in a bad wreck."
"Where the people in the other car hurt?"
"I don't know.
I just got texted please pray for Tom.
He was in a bad wreck."
"What hospital did they take him to?"
"I don't know.
I just got texted please pray for Tom.
He was in a bad wreck."
She said, "Well, you don't know anything.
What do you know?"
"I know you need to pray for Tom.
I just got a text that said he was in a bad wreck."
(audience applauding)
It's all I got.
I ain't holding anything back.
That's it.
People pointing at each other here.
(audience laughing)