An
[ Airplane engine buzzes ]
[ Screaming ]
♪♪
[ Chainsaw buzzing ]
♪♪
Go-o-o-o-o-o-al!
Hey!
♪♪
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Applause ]
Be-bah!
Ahh! [ Laughs ]
Okay.
[ Laughs ]
Oh! Hey!
I guess this show found out about my favorite movie --
"Sideways."
Mazel tov!
[ Glass breaks ]
Mazel tov cocktail.
[ Groaning ]
♪♪
Buy the Torah, y'all. Now for kids.
[ Death metal plays ]
[ Singing gutturally ]
[Bleep]
♪♪
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Oh, you're working with wheat paste?
Dude, I love that stuff.
I'm glad I'm on my lunch break.
I didn't know I was going to run into a member
of the wheat paste brotherhood.
Oh, my God, dude.
This stuff is so good for you.
Mind if I take a dip?
Mmm.
You're eating this shit plain?
I'm not eating that shit at all.
Don't pour that in there!
How you gonna pour something in there
that don't belongs to you?
Well, it's just a little cinnamon.
It doesn't matter. You still poured it in there.
You pick that shit up again,
you're gonna get beat the [bleep] up.
Look. That's me, man. That's me in that commercial.
See? That's me.
Oh, yeah, it is you. Why you acting so [bleep] crazy?
Back in the day, we used to eat buckets of this
and [bleep] buckets of this.
I used to be like, "Oh, yeah."
I would be [bleep] and shit, like...
No brakes! I got no brakes!
Shit. That guy's really hurt.
I'm gonna use my urine to cauterize his wounds.
Good enough for jellyfish stings,
good enough for bicycle accidents.
What the hell is wrong with you?
This is healing him.
This guy picks my stuff up
and puts cinnamon stuff in it when I'm trying to work.
He pulled his penis out and peed on this guy.
Okay. What do you want to do? You want to complain?
[Bleep] pulled his dick out and peed on this guy.
He's [bleep] crazy.
Dude, I'm messing with you, man.
See the camera right there?
I don't give a [bleep] about no camera right now.
I'm trying to [bleep]...
♪♪
One, two, three, four!
[ Speaks native language ]
[ Gunfire ]
Uh, this next actor is from, um,
"My Best Friend's Wedding" -- Dermot Mulroney.
♪ We're the catalog girls ♪
♪ Ain't we pretty? ♪
♪ See us on the walls in the big bright city ♪
♪ Don't you want to be like us? ♪
♪ It's a beautiful world ♪
♪ For a catalog girl ♪
You are handsome.
You're like a young Anderson Cooper.
You know, I have a lot of respect for Anderson Cooper.
Gay.
He is.
I totally respect that.
[ Laughing ] You got a weird voice, man.
Now, what is that?
My brother has one too.
Just one of my brothers, so...
Shhhh.
[ Light applause ]
Blannibal.
You were, um... What'd you say?
Wale: ♪ You need a date ♪
♪ You eating pancakes ♪
It's time for "Vape Crepe Slap Rap" with Wale!
Who is it?
[ Slap! ]
[ Dings ]
I missed that whole part of our culture.
I wanted to sit in the chair.
I've been there.
They're -- They're, they're rebooting "Bird Up!"
with, like, a all-female cast.
That's what's really happening.
They decided just to go full female.
"Ghostbusters" and everything is coming up
I don't know.
There's no way any man on Earth
could play these roles after we see that.
[ Audience gasps ]
Not everything.
You're watching "Bird Up!" Lizzo-style.
Suck my dick!
♪♪
[ Squawks ]
♪♪
That's too much.
No? It's too much?
Yeah, 'cause I'm his woman.
Go! Run!
Bird up! Lizzo up!
Bird, bird! Lizzo, Lizzo! Bird up! Bird up!
It's just me and my bird pussy.
Bird pussy is the best pussy.
Aah!
♪♪
You got a girlfriend? What's wrong with you?
♪♪
Huh?
Michael Jackson is your son?!
I'm Michael Jackson!
Let's go!
These are my streets, Eric!
It's my show now.
♪♪
Lizzo up!
Aaah!
Dermot Mulroney, I'm watching you.
Okay.
It's hard. It's hard to do.
Ah.
And we are back with Dermot Mulroney.
What do you call this, you know, your emcee table?
Uh, a desk.
Hey, it's time to scream.
[ Screaming ]
♪♪
[ Theme music plays ]
♪♪
Channel 4 reporting live on the scene today.
Tragedy strikes midtown Newark,
where it appears a businessman has attempted
to take his own life by committing suicide.
Shit. Hey, he's getting up.
Can you cut for a second? Time-out?
You got to keep him injured, or there's no story.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. Bring the camera in.
What are you doing?!
This is my big break, okay?
Don't you die on me, you son of a bitch.
What are you doing?!
...the only way I know how!
Do you listen to conscious hip-hop?
What?
Yeah, he might to stay down. Look at the back of his head.
Shit, he's getting up.
Stay down.
Look, if I don't get this story, I don't get my pension.
You know what I mean?
What's this nonsense?
Woman: Oh, he got to stay...
This is a big -- This is a breaking...
Hit him again! Hit him again!
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
Hit him again!
Yes, I'm with enraged citizen, uh, here.
What's your name, sir?
What? What's my name?
Yeah, no, no, okay, okay, okay.
Citizens are outraged.
Wait, wait. What's going on?
Channel 4 reporting.
Okay, okay.
You know her from "Orange is the New Black," Diane Guerrero.
♪ Diane Guerrero, Diane Guerrero ♪
My queen!
♪ Diane Guerrero ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
Hi.
Do my ears look big?
Nice.
You usually have hair, though.
Can I ask you a question? Do you go to the gym?
That's cool.
You ever do cocaine?
You have?
No, no. Yeah. Is that okay to say?
I don't know.
[ Light applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
Um...
What are you, like -- What are you doing later?
Have you got any plans or...
I -- I'm going -- I'm trying to go to lunch after this.
Yeah, yeah, me too. Me too.
Yeah.
What are you -- Are you vegetarian?
No, no, I eat everything.
Yeah, me -- same. Totally same.
I was just telling my friend, like, "Pff! I eat everything."
You know what I mean?
Are you hungry? Because I'm hungry.
I can get food if you want.
Oh, shit.
Derr...
Oh, it's a dumb waiter.
Can I take your order?
Derr derr-derr-derr.
Derr derr.
Ohhhhhh!
Hannibal! Where you at, brother?!
I got jacked arms, nigga!
Hannibal.
Who the [bleep] is this nigga?
You ain't Hannibal.
You're not [bleep] Hannibal.
Goddamn it. Where's my brother at?!
[Bleep]
Get over here.
You want to boof this cheesecake?
No, boof it.
I don't know what "boof" is.
You got to parachute it into your ass.
Ohh. Oh, my God.
Take it. Take it there.
Goddamn it.
Aah!
[ Farts ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
And now have I got a [bleep] sugar rush.
[ Laughs ]
I think you should run for president.
God, it hurts to sit.
Yeah, let's just take it...
Let's -- Yeah.
I just feel like...
Aah!
♪♪
[ Squawking ]
[ Jackhammer chattering ]
Somebody help me! Help! Aah!
♪♪
Help me! I'm buried in cement!
No, I don't want the cops involved.
Pass me the rope. Help me, help me, help me.
Pull, pull, pull.
[ Groaning ] Come on!
Aah! It's in my eyes!
Come on!
Are you pulling? Pull!
It's burning my skin!
[ Groaning ] Shit. I can't. I can't.
That's it. I'm dead. Please stop filming me.
Don't put me on Instagram. Just help me.
Please, I need an ice cream.
Here, here, here. Pass me that ice cream.
[ Grunts ] Thank you.
Yeah, I could use some sprinkles.
Sprinkles. Can you put sprinkles on that?
Just be careful. Don't drop it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Fata$$!
[ Rapping ] ♪ Yo ♪
♪ Hop up on the beat, and then I go nuts ♪
♪ While I'm eating the pink-frosted doughnuts ♪
Can we get some doughnuts for Joey?
♪♪
My work here is done.
[ Singing gutturally ]