Today we look at the history of Squidward Tentacles.
We begin at the dawn of time,
when the Squidasaurus Rex roamed the earth.
This magnificent creature is most likely linked to Squidward
by ancient evolutionary coincidence.
I mean, just look at that nose and head shape.
There is clearly a relation.
Many generations and lifeforms later,
we meet the first official ancestor of Squidward, Squog.
Huh?
Squog lived during the pre-historic era of Bikini Bottom,
before modern language was developed.
Squog's appearance is very similar to Squidward,
except he has a 5 o'clock shadow, a uni-brow, some black hairs on his head
and one tooth.
Like Squidward, Squog doesn't get along too well with his neighbors.
Pattar!
Squog!
And now we move on to the next member of the Tentacles family,
Squiddly Tentacles.
Does thou talkest to me?
Squiddly hath lives in the Bikini Bottom Shire of the Medieval Era.
He was the royal fool to King Krabs, but was later imprisoned.
Send these slanderers to the guillotine.
Squiddly looks almost exactly like Squidward,
except for his jester clothes.
Squiddly also plays the clarinet, or at least tries to.
And is most likely the reason why
Squidward is such an awful clarinet player.
If I never learn to play with ease,
may my own great-great-great-great grandson be cursed tenfold!
Hopping on down the family tree,
we arrive at the next member of the Tentacles family,
Hopalong Tentacles.
Hopalong lived during the 19th century,
when Bikini Bottom was known as Deadeye Gulch.
He worked as a server at the Krusty Kantina.
What can I get you, stranger?
Give me a shot... of milk.
- Milk? - Two percent.
- Think you can handle it? - I drink this stuff every day.
Hopalong is very alike to Squidward in appearance.
But wears a vest, as well as a brown shirt and a bolo tie.
Oh, and how could we forget about that glorious handlebar mustache?
Who-wee! Look at that thing.
Like the rest of the Tentacles family,
Hopalong is musically inclined.
Fast forward to modern day,
we get to the oldest member of the Tentacles family,
Grandma Tentacles.
She has grey hair and wears a long dark pink dress,
and light green slippers.
Grandma shows up when she find out Squidward stole her recipe
for fricassee and is undercooking it, making everyone sick.
Grandma!
Someone's been cooking my recipe.
And they're doing it wrong!
Grandma marries an unknown Grandpa Tentacles,
and voila, Squidward's dad Jeffrey Tentacles.
Squidward's father next hugged him.
The elusive Mr. Tentacles is rarely seen,
but is almost identical to his son.
Except for his glasses and red tie.
They both wear matching polo shirts. Like father, like son.
How cute.
Mr. Tentacles marries Mrs. Tentacles, Squidward's mom.
Hello.
Mrs. Tentacles closely resembles her son's appearance,
and lives in a very similar house, except for the curly hair.
Mrs. Tentacles haunts Squidward's dreams for not keeping in touch.
Why haven't you called your mother?
And loves making him her cookies.
Let's go bake some cookies, boy!
Together, Mr. and Mrs. Tentacles have their one and only son,
because as Mrs. Tentacles put it...
One of him was enough.
Squidward Tentacles.
Squidward is a turquoise octopus, not a squid,
that sports a brown shirt, droopy nose and six tentacles.
Squidward is a lover of the fine arts.
I have conquered all artistic medium.
From mastering the clarinet to whatever this is.
We're not done there. Squidward has a cousin named Squeeze.
Squeeze only says one word.
Whatever.
He has bushy blonde hair, just like his cousin once had,
wears a brown shirt like his cousin,
and should pay closer attention to his skincare.
Speaking of his nose, his nose points straight,
and not down like the entire rest of the Tentacles family.
I think we covered it all.
Oh, are you serious?
OK, I'll let them know.
Sorry, I spoke too soon.
It turns out in a crazy turn of events that through adoption,
Squidward has two brothers, and those two brothers are
SpongeBob and Patrick.
Brothers.
[blabbering]
OK, so now there you have it, folks.
All known members of the Tentacles family.
Whatever.
Join us next time as we discover the interesting ancestry
in yet another chapter of Nickelodeon's history
on Nick Family Tree.
There will come a day when I will make something of my life,
and I will never have to set foot in this grease trap again!
Yeah, we'll see you after your lunch break, Squidward.