Hey guys, I’m Kya and it’s my favorite kind of year.
I love it when Friday the 13th falls on October,
It’s like snow on Christmas!
But you might want to reconsider that last-minute camping trip in Jersey.
‘Cause Mrs. Voorhees’ baby boy is out there, and if you want to survive,
You’re definitely gonna need my help.
That’s why today, I’m gonna teach you
How To Kill Jason Voorhees.
But I’m warning you right now-- It’s not gonna be easy.
This psycho is notoriously tough to keep down,
So let’s start with the tried and true tactic of drowning him.
Pamela Voorhees worked as a cook at Camp Crystal Lake when her deformed son Jason drowned in 1957.
His name was Jason.
i was working the day when it happened.
Preparing meals... Here. I was the cook.
She snapped, and killed the two counselors who were having sex instead of watching him.
Which might be an overreaction, sure, but also it's camp so like, teenagers high on hormones having sex is kind of a given.
But also, do your job guys.
Years later, she went on a killing spree to stop the camp from being reopened.
But Jason was a better swimmer than anyone realized.
Turns out, he never drowned in the first place,
Which means poor Kevin Bacon could have avoided getting an arrow through the throat.
Jason crawled out of the lake and disappeared into the woods,
Where he grew up big, strong and utterly insane.
After witnessing him mom get decapitated with a machete,
he took her severed head into the woods to plot his revenge.
The machete became Jason’s trademark weapon.
It works great on unsuspecting campers,
But it’s also pretty effective against Jason himself,
If you can get the drop on him.
Maybe you can make like Ginny in ‘Part 2’ and surprise him with some Pam Voorhees cosplay.
Come to mama. Come on.
'Cause who doesn't like cosplaying as a dead mother?
Jason had some questionable fashion choices in his slasher debut,
But his talent for creative kills was there from the get-go.
Like when he buries a machete in poor Mark’s face,
He's got like a machete to the face and then down, da da da down the stairs.
it shouldn't be funny but it is! Poor mark had to go down all those stairs, no one called anyone to help.
How'd he get up those stairs?
I don't-- That's a good question! The real mystery.
The final girl, Ginny, finds his shack in the woods,
Complete with a shrine to his dead mother.
Ginny puts on her sweater and sweet talks Jason into a trance.
Jason! It's all done, Jason! That's my boy. Come, kneel down.
Then, when he’s distracted, she cleaves his shoulder in two.
Unfortunately, the machete wasn’t enough to finish the job,
But you might have better luck if you axe him in the face.
Jason finally gets his hockey mask in ‘Part 3,’
Courtesy of an obnoxious prankster named Shelley,
who gets his throat cut as a reward.
But that pristine new mask gets seriously messed up by the end of the movie,
after our heroine plants an axe right in his dome.
Pretty deep, too, but it still wasn’t enough.
Jason wakes up in a morgue in ‘The Final Chapter.’
Up until this movie, Jason is just a mortal man.
He takes some lumps, but he’s technically still alive.
If you want to kill him for real, you’ve got to be Corey Feldman.
It’s pretty clear why the fourth ‘Friday’ is such a fan favorite.
I mean, the only thing better than Crispin Glover’s dancing,
I know what you're wating for..
is Crispin Glover getting a meat cleaver to the face.
Ted! Where the hell is the corkscrew?
It’s also the series debut of Tommy Jarvis, played by Corey Feldman.
He’s a nerdy little kid obsessed with movie makeup,
who shaves his head and pretends to be Jason’s younger self.
Jason, don't you remember? Remember, Jason. Jason, remember! Remember.
Jason falls for it even harder than when Ginny impersonated his mom.
He’s not all that bright is he? Jesus.
Tommy swings for the fences with a machete,
and damn near splits Jason’s skull in two.
And, in an unusually smart move for a slasher movie,
Tommy keeps hacking away at him.
Jason is so dead after this that he sat out ‘A New Beginning,’
where a lame copycat named Roy did the killing instead.
When ‘Jason Lives’ begins, Tommy’s stuck in a mental institution,
haunted by his past with Jason.
He escapes and digs up Jason’s body, hoping to cremate it
But Tommy loses his shit and starts stabbing it with a metal pole,
Which gets struck by lightning and revives Jason as a truly undead killing machine, because science!
The new zombie Jason is way stronger,
and by this point he’s almost impossible to kill.
So you can make like Tommy and do the next best thing:
Chain him to an underwater boulder.
This won’t actually kill him,
Even if you chop up his face with a boat propeller first,
But it’ll keep him out of your hair for a while.
After Tommy leaves the series, our next hero is Tina,
a girl with the power of telekinesis.
Think like, Jean Grey or Carrie.
True life is going completely out the window here. Zombies, psychics, whatever.
She’s actually a pretty even match for Jason.
She sets him on fire and blows him up,
But to finish him off, she still needs help from her zombie dad.
After Tina resurrects him, her old man drags Jason back down to the depths of Crystal Lake.
Daddy...
But, if your pops is still kicking or you don’t have psychic powers,
Hopefully you remembered your ‘Mortal Kombat’ codes.
Because just like Freddy, Jason is vulnerable to a babality.
Babality!
Most of ‘Jason Takes Manhattan’ takes place on a yacht,
Since they couldn’t afford to shoot much in New York.
As a result, the movie isn’t nearly as cool as the title makes it sound,
But at least we got that awesome scene where Jason just punches a dude’s head off.
Jason chases our heroes into the sewer,
where they melt his face off with a barrel of toxic waste.
Then he gets swept away by a tidal wave of ooze.
My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
The acid bath reverts Jason into a 12-year-old boy.
Somehow. Not really sure how that works.
I guess it could just be a hallucination? Science. Who knows.
Either way, Jason is back without explanation at the beginning of ‘Jason Goes to Hell,’
Where he gets blown to smithereens by the obvious idea of calling the FBI.
No one thought "Oh, let's call the cops on the serial killer who's been murdering people?"
Well how about this: Jason going on the yacht made it an interstate crime
So that means if I'm an undead serial killer and just kill people in Jersey and don't go anywhere else...
The FBI has no authority! Okay, cool.
Anyways, the FBI sets up a sting with an undercover camper,
And they ambush Jason with a hail of bullets and grenades.
They scoop up his remains and bring them to a lab,
Where a technician chows down on his still-beating heart.
Why would you eat his heart?!
It's like beating and the guy's like "oh, man..."
I suddenly have a craving for heart!
Somehow it took 9 movies for us to learn that Jason can possess people.
His soul is this like, wriggly worm thing that looks like a chestburster.
And the only way to kill it is with a magic dagger.
Well, a magic dagger in the hands of a Voorhees, because why the hell not?
Look., at this point, I'm believing anything Jason tells me.
We've gone through undead Jason, zombie dad, there's a psychic, somehow water turns you into a 9-year-old boy...
Now we're here with a wriggly worm sould that can only be destroyed with a magic dagger. I don't even know what series we're on anymore.
Turns out, Jason has a half sister named Jessica,
And when she stabs him in the heart, a bunch of monster hands pop out of the ground and drag him to Hell,
With an assist from Freddy Krueger.
Freddy helps him escape Hell, too,
but Jason ends up surviving their duel,
which sets him up for a major upgrade in ‘Jason X,’
The only way to kill the new and improved Uber Jason is via atmospheric entry.
So the government captures Jason, but they can’t figure out how to kill him.
Too bad they couldn’t just watch this video.
They shock him, gas him, hang him, but nothing works.
So they stick him in cryogenic storage and let future people deal with him.
I'll deal with it later. That's where I keep my severed heads! That's such a good joke...
400 years later, he wakes up on a spaceship and goes on a rampage,
Until wannabe Milla Jovovich shreds him with future guns.
A bunch of nanomachines reconstruct him into the cyborg Uber Jason,
Who can now survive in the vacuum of space.
Great.
Lucky for us, Jason’s new body parts didn’t come with heat shielding.
So if you can push him towards the nearest planet,
He’ll burn up in the atmosphere.
Last and most certainly least, we’ve got the remake Jason.
He’s a lot smarter than his canon counterpart,
But if you can avoid his traps, your best bet is to chuck him in a woodchipper.
Though you might want to jab a machete through his heart, just to be on the safe side.
Say hi to mommy... In Hell!
But there’s no such thing as a safe side when it comes to Jason Voorhees.
As long as there are attractive young campers boozing, smoking pot and having premarital sex,
We love premarital sex!
Jason will be lurking in the woods, waiting to strike.