Now I will advise you to get in quick if you like the place,
as the market is quite competitive at the moment.
Although you shouldn't be applying at all,
because I will be telling the landlord that you did not wipe your feet before entering.
Bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen, living room, front door,
out of which I'll be exiting in...
three minutes.
Sorry, what was that?
Oh the laundry!
Um, I don't know.
Let's see if we can find it, shall we?
This house could very well be your next chapter.
Picture yourself with the love of your life,
a few kids running around,
perhaps running a book club in the lounge room,
crying yourself to sleep at night in the bedroom.
Look mate,
I'm happy for you to sit on it for an hour or two,
but I am expecting a call from someone who's going to make me an offer today,
so- oh. Here he is right now.
Jerry, mate.
Talk to me.
You want to make me an offer, do you?
...And in the year 1782,
they started Australia's first Ice Creamery just across the street there.
The house is fully air conditioned,
everything's freshly renovated and painted,
brand new locks for every-
sorry, what was that?
Yep, if you just let me finish what I was saying,
I'll get to the garage in due course.
So the lighting fixtures are from the 17th edition of our homeware catalogue-
... And if you like termites,
there's a cute little family that lives just behind this door!
Hi Beatrice!
And then my husband and I actually decided to go with the burgundy
for the drapes in the kitchen.
And then instead of this lovely horseshoe shape,
we decided to go with the island,
so that people can sort of chat while they're cooking.
But the Horseshoe is just divine.
Yeah we can go outside. Let's...
go outside, shall we?
[Music]
*crickets chirp in background*
Oh!
I think I found it.
Ayyy, there we go!
If you put a sofa here,
that light hits really beautifully at about 5:32 in the afternoon.
Cup of tea,
book,
keep the Ajax handy,
give the wall a bit of a wipe.
That golden light really highlights any dirt residue that might be left over there.
And around the back here, there's a shed.
Perfect for hostages.
Look, I understand this price is a bit steep,
but a piece of advice from someone who's been in the game for over 10 years:
with what the market is today,
you'd be better off pushing this one over the line today,
cause you're just not going to find something of this caliber in your budget.
I just locked in an investment property last week.
It's my seventh.
I'm building my Empire.
I sometimes like to just come outside and bask in the sun.
You feel that?
You don't get that in houses with roofs.
This house does have a roof,
but we're in the garden right now.
Oh, you want to see inside?
Yeah sure. Uhhh...
I just got to make sure I have a key.
What do you mean the roof's leaking?
Oh no that puddle's just a puddle of my tears
from when I was crying earlier.
And if you don't like it,
there's another open house just across the road.
Please don't waste my time.
How is your husband going?
Is he still a bit of a flirt?
We will be following standard protocol,
which is to apply via our website.
And I will not be accepting bribery,
as the gentleman outside just had to learn the hard way.
Now, I will be accepting bribery.
Ever since I started showing this house,
it started appearing in my dreams
as the embodiment of what my soul would look like if it were a house.
Some scary things happen in the basement,
let me tell you.
Who am I talking to?
I'm legally required to give you my card with my phone number on it,
but if you could, could you send me an email instead?
Phone calls give me anxiety.
I actually have no idea why I became a real estate agent.
Oh yeah look, I'll just be with you in a sec.
I'm just finishing wrapping up my sleeping bag.
I've been staying here the last couple of nights.
I like to really get to know the personality of the house that I'm selling, you know?
Its story,
where it comes from,
its likes,
its dislikes.
*chuckles*
If we could get this moving along please, ladies and gentlemen,
my friends are going to be here in 20 minutes, so uh...
I mean... the gardener.
The Gardener is going to be here in 20 minutes
to mow the lawn.
What?
Yes. Yes, I am aware that the the lawn has already been mowed.
I mean, the other lawn.
Yes, there's a...
there's a secret lawn.
No.
No you can't go there
because it's um...
it's not ready yet.
Oh is this place not good enough for you?
Oh, you want a pool.
Okay.
Well, good luck getting anywhere in life with that princess attitude.
What are you, a child?
Oh you have children.
Fair enough.
How does it feel to be more whiny than your children?
Which house is this?
...and give this a wind all the way down.
Sack of wine here,
sack of wine on your other three corners,
give it a spin.
You've got your next party sorted.
Look, between you and me,
there are actually better houses on the market right now.
I do have one going up on the website later this week.
I'd be happy to chuck you in for a cheeky viewing tonight if you're interested.
Um...
we could grab a coffee beforehand and we can discuss where you got your outfit.
This isn't about the house anymore.
This is about your inability to make quick and cost-effective decisions.
We've got some oranges on property.
You can have a pick of those if you'd like.
Now, there is an elderly gentleman who comes by once a week.
He thinks his name's Reynold.
Long story. Won't go into it.
Just say, "Hi Reynold!"
Invite him in for a cup of tea.
The whole neighborhood's in on it.
Now, it is important that you do invite him in.
Nine times out of ten, he won't come in,
but he has resorted to uh...
to violence the past and uh...
look,
there's been brief hospitalization for some of the residents of this street.
Just overnight stays though. Nothing serious.
Oh well, except Jenny, who um...
God rest her soul.
Now I'll just ask that before you leave today that you do find time to sign our guest book.
You can leave some messages about your thoughts about the house.
We've got some ones from the previous crowd that were in here earlier today.
"Beautiful house. Felt a real aura of peace walking through it."
"Homely."
"Welcoming."
"Real estate lady was fake-"
I just wrote that one in a little bit earlier.
It's a bit of a joke.
...Have a bit of variety, you know?
[Sad piano chord]
Now does anybody have any questions?
As I do have another showing in-
Ah, excuse me!
Please respect the paint job and wash your hands before you touch the wall thank you!
And if you do have any questions,
I don't care.
Air conditioning!
Um...
I'm not actually sure if this house has any... uh...
let's see if we can find some some...
some ducts.
Is that what they're called?
Ducks?
...in the uh, rooms.
See if there's some air conditioning.
Why did they hire me as a real estate agent?
Oh and one more thing, just before you head off, ladies and gentlemen.
This house has been known to be haunted in the past.
Now look,
I have had a chat to the ghosts
and they have agreed that if you simply sprinkle four tablespoons
of salt in the pantry every night before you go to sleep,
as well as dabbing essential oils on yourself,
just sort of...
you know, like this,
then there shouldn't be an issue.
I am legally obligated to inform you though that
if something should happen cause you forget to do that one night,
we don't accept any responsibility for anything that might happen as a result.
In fact, I do need you to sign a Haunting Liability Waiver while I've got you here.